Author: Jim McLennan

The Seasoning House

  By

★★★
“Sour and bitter in flavour.”

This is a nasty and grim piece of work, after which you will probably feel like taking a shower. However, I actually mean this in a (grudgingly) complimentary fashion, because it’s clear that director and co-writer Hyett was aiming for exactly that. Well done, I guess. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though, and this is not a film I have any interest in revisiting. It takes place in an unnamed part of the Balkans (though my money is on somewhere in Serbia), during the ethno-religious wars which tore apart the region in the late nineties. All manner of highly unpleasant things went on: here, it’s a brothel in which kidnapped women are forced to service militiamen.

Working for the man who runs it, Viktor (Howarth), is a deaf-mute girl, whom he has named Angel (Day). She was also abducted, and could only watch as Goran (Pertwee) and his men killed the rest of her family. In some small amount of good fortune, Viktor has taken a shine to Angel, and so her duties are of the housekeeping kind, rather than being raped on a daily basis. But the things she sees, as she scurries around the air-ducts of the decrepit building, are the stuff of nightmares. Things come to a head after a platoon show up, assaulting the closest thing to a friend she has, Violeta (Walton), who already had her pelvis broken during a previous session. For the soldiers’ commanding officer is Goran…

This is where, mercifully, the worm turns, with Angel using her secret passages to avoid capture, as she takes out Goran’s men. The first, in particular, is a spectacularly brutal death by pointy object, which feels extremely cathartic. Thereafter, it does a decent job of not having her go toe-to-toe with larger and stronger opponents. The cramped spaces of the air ducts act as a great leveller in this regard, right up until the end. Well, almost the end. Because the final act has her trying to get help from the locals, and is a fraught endeavour in itself. I was reminded in this aspect of a certain other horror movie, though I don’t want to be any more specific there. 

The first hour in particular is a little too close to torture porn for my taste. It’s not necessarily especially graphic, though not pulling its punches. However, it still makes for uncomfortable viewing, and the abuse seemed, to me, to go on beyond what was necessary to make its point. A lot of credit to the production designer, who created sets which feel like you can taste the dirt and the sweat. Effective stuff, without question. Again: not to my particular taste, and I would have preferred it if more time had been spent on Angel making Viktor, Goran and the other bastards get their extremely well-deserved just deserts. Instead, I’ll be over in the corner, turning on this fire-hose.

Dir: Paul Hyett
Star: Rosie Day, Sean Pertwee, Kevin Howarth, Anna Walton

Hurry Monday

  By

★★
“Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

The phrase “blandly competent” comes to mind here. There’s not a great deal to criticize about this, from a technical standpoint. For example, the dialogue is audible, although does vary somewhat in tone, depending on the location. It’s reasonably well-shot, and knows better than to try and go beyond the restrictions of its resources. However, this lack of ambition may be its biggest problem as well, because it’s very intent on colouring strictly within the lines. Smaller-scale films need to push the envelope a bit to stand out, and this instead seems content to go the obvious route at almost every turn. Even the story’s main surprise was not much of one, and provoked little more than a shrug.

The heroine is Nedraphine Ramos (Salgado) – known as Ned by most, for obvious reasons. She and her partner David (Hu), have just pulled off a major jewel robbery in Los Angeles. This netted them ten flawless gems, worth over a million dollars. But the aftermath sees David shot dead, forcing Ned to high-tail it out of California. She heads back to her home town of New York for the first time in years, seeking to fence the loot to a mysterious, little-known individual called the Nubian, before dropping off the grid. She bumps into former high-school sweetheart, former soldier Dale Matthews (Renard). But it quickly becomes clear that someone wants to get their hands on Ned as well as the gems, and will stop at nothing to do so.

I only finished watching the movie a few hours ago, and I’m already struggling to remember many details about this. It does feel in need of both more and better action. There are significant periods which feel more like Ned is driving and/or walking around New York, while listening to a mix tape of slow jams. For example, an extended scene of her driving to a date with Dale, accompanied by one tune, is followed by one of them wandering about together, while another, slightly different song is played. I may have been making “hurry up” gestures at the screen. I could also think of a number of more interesting potential twists: for example, David had faked his own death.

Not sure we ever did discover who was behind the attempted abductions, or what they were trying to achieve with them. There’s only one antagonist, and Ned is looking to arrange a meeting with them anyway, so what was the point? There are fragments where something intriguing does peek through. The notion of a whole, almost John Wick-esque world of thieves and fences, has potential. The best scene might be a simple conversation between Ned and the Nubian – the latter has a calmness about them, which I found highly effective. However, the movie doesn’t appear interested in exploring this in any depth. Not when there’s another song which needs to be levered into proceedings.

Dir: Vaughn Christion
Star: Sofia Salgado, Wesley Renard, Crawford Hazelwood, Owen Hu

Virgin Pockets

  By

★½
“Don’t take this cue.”

In sports films is, actors don’t necessarily have to be able to play the game in question. But they should be able to fake it – if not necessarily at a level capable of fooling professionals, at least to get it past the casual viewer. When it comes to ball and cue games, I am certainly a casual. Unfortunately, the two players are the core of proceedings here do not look like pro players. They look considerably closer to me, down the pub, after a few pints. The major difference is, they at least do not look pleasantly surprised when they knock in a ball. But when one half of the “sports drama” equation is unconvincing, it puts a lot of weight on the other.

It fares at least somewhat better there. This is the story of veteran pool hustler, Lizzie Monroe (Madison), who avoids the bright lights of the pro tour circuit. Instead, she hustles players in various bars and other establishments, with the help of manager ‘Grace’ Scott (Krukowski), because “That’s where the real money is.” Admittedly, there’s no particular indication of this being true here, with the money changing hands not exactly life-changing. Anyway, Lizzie meets Jordan ‘J.J.’ Jamison (Grace), a younger and rawer player who uses her sex appeal to help her win, albeit with penny ante rewards. An unimpressed Monroe hustles the hustler, but is eventually convinced to become a mentor to J.J, and show her the proper way to play.

If you’ve seen any films from this genre, you can probably figure out how this is going to go. Eventually, there will be dissension in the ranks, J.J. will go her own way, and the mistress will end up facing off against her student. Give yourself two points, since that’s exactly what happens. To get there, however, you have to sit through an awful lot of pool montages, accompanied by music from mediocre punk(ish) bands – presumably friends of the director, likely sourced from the local scene in Erie, Pennsylvania where this was made. It’s filmed almost glamour style: with many shots of our leads’ cleavages and butts leaning over the pool table. Can’t say I minded, and yet…

Because, cheesecake aside, the pool is probably the least entertaining thing about this. You never get to see much apart from random shots, so there’s absolutely no sense of ebb and flow or contest progression. Rather than the humdrum mechanics of playing the game, what I did find interesting was the psychology of hustling, and the strategy of how you can lure someone in, to take all their money. The best sports films transcend the game they’re about, to tell a story which can resonate, even if you aren’t a fan. Only occasionally does this spend long enough away from the table to be capable of simply engaging the viewer. And inevitably, a few minutes later, you’re back to enduring another montage of unconvincing players making simple shots. 

Dir: Paul Gorman
Star: Marie Madison, Chexy Grace, Jeremy Krukowski, Shannon Solo

SWAT Angels in Mission

  By

★★
“Mission: Fairly possible.”

Despite an impressive poster, this is a fairly humdrum action film. If it had been a Western production in the nineties, I would have described it as “straight to video.” I imagine the appropriate comparison here would be “straight to iQIYI”, the streaming service through which I saw this. It’s technically competent, make no mistake. However, there’s not very much to stick in the mind, and it feels like both the script and performances have been carried out with the bare minimum of effort. It’s the kind of thing you could have on in the background, while carrying out light household chores, and it would not impact the level of entertainment value obtained very much.

Mei Jing (Wei) is a cop, who is part of the Thunderbolt Strike Team in Donghai, under Wang Jianing (He). Her all-woman group are often passed over for the most exciting jobs, but they are key in foiling an attempt to free a captive, San Lin Jie, during a prison transfer. The attempt was made by his brother, who goes by the name of Hummingbird (Zhou). However, this helps puts Mei and her father, who was instrumental in the capture of San, on the radar for revenge by Hummingbird and his female sidekick, Nightingale. However, Hummingbird’s dedication to his cause does not sit too well with the other members of his own gang, who would rather just get on with their nefarious activities. 

The first effort he makes is to interrupt a stakeout Mei and her colleagues are carrying out downtown. This involves a sniper and some thugs at street level, though quite how this is going to force the authorities to release San is a bit unclear. I also wondered how he know the team were going to be there: I kept expecting there to be a mole in the department or something. Never did turn up. This fails, mostly because the women do fight back, in what’s probably the best bit of action heroine stuff the film has to offer. The opening attack on the transfer convoy isn’t too bad, generating a fair bit of tension while moving the story on. It’s not particularly GWG-ish though. 

He then ups the ante, by storming a nursing home and taking the residents hostage. Which at least seems like a semblance of a plan, and might also let him take his vengeance against Mei and her father. However, instead of building to a climax, it feels like the film kinda peters out in a generally disappointing way. While I could see the male lead going up against Hummingbird, surely we would get a nice, long fight between Mei and Nightingale? Sadly, no – this film, thy name is disappointment. Although to be disappointed, I would first need to have had some level of emotional involvement, and I can’t honestly say I did. On the other hand, I did get the washing-up done, so there’s that. 

Dir: Xue Wenhua
Star: Wei Xiaoxuan, He Meixuan, Zhou Zhiwen, Shen Tai

Top Female Force

  By

★★★
“Teamwork makes the dream work.”

If there’s absolutely nothing new here, it still manages to do what it does, fairly well. In the main, it’s light and fluffy, to be sure – though it has the capability to switch gears in an instant. For example, while this is by and large a Die Hard knock-off (from the “team edition” subcategory), I’ve not seen many films in that genre where a villain bludgeons a hostage to death with a hammer, because she reminded him of his mother. Just do not ask me to identify any of the players. This is another one of those films with the credits entirely in Chinese, very limited information available online, and subtitles which left a lot to be desired. Coherence, especially.

The basic premise sees two duelling groups of special ops: the all-male Flying Tigers, and the all-female Farewell Flowers. Look, that’s what the subtitles call them. I’m not arguing. There’s a fierce rivalry between the groups. But both are sent to protect renowned Hong Kong businessman Li Xuchang, after a tip-off is received that terrorist group XSA intend to kidnap him at a birthday party he’s giving for his son at his private club. The attack in question does indeed come to pass, though it turns out to be not quite the simple abduction attempt expected. To absolutely nobody’s surprise, the Tigers and the Flowers will have to overcome their differences and work together, to defeat the evil threat posed by XSA.

It is fairly clear that most of the actresses concerned were chosen for their roles on the basis of looks, rather than fighting ability, or even credible musculature. There’s almost as much cheesecake (and some beefcake, too) as fighting. But the action choreographer, cinematographer and editor do a decent job of shooting round the limitations of the cast. You’ll still need to be in a forgiving mood, and I could have done without the obvious attempts at unresolved sexual tension, some of which require stupidity in the extreme. A terrorist letting his hostages tie themselves up? What could possibly go wrong. There are other points where moderate competence on the part of the criminals, would have lead to a very different outcome.

Yet, I was still adequately entertained, and occasionally impressed. The villains have a tendency to pit the hostages against each other in contests, brutally killing the loser (a tactic used in real life by Mexican cartels), so it’s certainly not all fluffy and light. Or there’s the chief evil henchwoman, who strips down in front of the hostages in order to go from evening dress to her battle corset. It’s a striking power move. However, there’s rarely any threat to the main characters: an unpleasant fate for one or two of them would have helped up the tension. But then, we wouldn’t have got a final scene where everyone has apparently forgotten the carnage, laughing and squirting each other with water-pistols, would we?

Dir: Lin Jianwei
Star: Alycia Yuen-Hang Chan, Kabby Hui, Cheung-Ching Mak, Shirley Yeung

We Already Have a Woman We Like: My Life in the CIA, by Lucy Kirk

  By

Literary rating: ★★
Kick-butt quotient: ½

I suspect the issue here is partly my own expectations. When I read a memoir of somebody who spent more than three decades working for the Central Intelligence Agency, I was half-expecting a life somewhere between Salt and Atomic Blonde (ok, the latter was technically MI-5, but the concept remains valid). This is… not that. It is, of course, perfectly understandable that real life would not be as exciting as a Hollywood film. But given how long the author worked there, I would have expected more entertaining, amusing or even interesting anecdotes. The peak is probably right at the end, with her struggles to pass a lie-detector test when she tried to go back into the Company after 9/11.

It is an an eye-opener, in a couple of ways. Firstly, I kinda thought the CIA simply were not allowed to operate on American soil – that was the territory of the FBI. But based on this book, it appears that’s not the case, with Kirk being based domestically for a number of positions. These mostly involve gathering intelligence from friendly American assets who had foreign connections, and seem to involve being up-front about this being on behalf of the CIA. However, it’s hard to be sure, because a lot of specifics are omitted. This isn’t the author’s fault: an introductory note says, “As a retired CIA employee, I am obligated to present any writing I do to the Prepublication Classification Review Board… Places I served and lengths of time are notably absent per PCRB guidelines.”

This means you’re left with no real sense of place and time, whether she’s serving at home or abroad, and the specific details of what she was working on, are also very limited. In lieu of that you get a lot of complaints about chauvinism and flat-out sexism in the profession. What can I say? It was the sixties. I’m not sure what she thought life would be like, but a degree from Wellesley College might perhaps create certain, unrealistic expectations of life in the outside world. Some of her criticisms do appear justified: there’s no real reason why women couldn’t operate as case officers, just as well as men. But there’s a certain point beyond which I found myself rolling my eyes and quietly mouthing, “We get it”. I mean, she stayed there for thirty years. How bad could it be?

The other thing I took away is how banal and humdrum most intelligence work is – in sharp contrast to every depiction of it in fictional books, movies and television shows. It feels as if Kirk spent more time fighting with bureaucracy than Communism. In this way, it’s no different from any other big business, with the bosses at the top severely disconnected from those on the front lines. I certainly will admit to having learned things here. Those things, however, are just not particularly interesting. I’ll be sticking with the fiction, thank you very much.

Author: Lucy Kirk
Publisher: BookBaby, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
Stand-alone memoir

Pretty Lethal

  By

★★★
“Nutcrackers Sweet”

To be fair, this was actually announced back in February 2023. Though that was still after Ballerina had wrapped its original shoot. At the time, the title was Ballerina Overdrive, with the cast including Lena Headey, in the role subsequently played by Thurman. Now, it comes out feeling more than a bit as if it is trailing in the wake of Ballerina. Coming out on Amazon Prime rather than theatrically doesn’t help its prestige. While nobody is going to call this great, and it’ll be forgotten as quickly as most other streaming originals, it does at least deliver on the premise. These are actual ass-kicking ballerinas, and their artistic talents are an intrinsic component of their fighting styles.

A Los Angeles ballet troupe of five young dancers, including the working-class Zoe (Apatow) and her appropriately named nemesis, Princess (Condor), are on their way to Budapest for a performance. The bus from the airport breaks down, and they end up in the Teremok Inn, an establishment run by Devora Kasimer (Thurman). When the troupe’s instructor finds out Devora is not exactly just a boutique hotelier, and then spurns the advances of local mobster Pasha Marcovic (Sipos), it does not go well for her. The ballerinas are suddenly witnesses, and therefore very much surplus to requirements. That’s the plot, more or less. Oh, there are slight wrinkles. Devora turns out to be a former ballerina herself. But it’s mostly run, hide and fight.

This is all adequately entertaining nonsense. Disbelief obviously needs to be suspended as you watch 90-pound girls beat up men twice their size. At least there is some effort put in to making them, in the main, use their agility and flexibility, rather brute force. There’s some cool stuff with razor blades, embedded into ballet slippers or taped to fingertips, which works well. Though the sequence I enjoyed most was the one where they went full corps de ballet on Pasha’s men. It’s impossible to take seriously, yet is done with so much inventive energy I was left with a big, goofy grin on my face. Shame there wasn’t more. It’s certainly lighter in tone – and likely more entertaining – than director Jewson’s previous GWG entry, Close, with Noomi Rapace.

I actually grew to like the characters more over the course of proceedings. Admittedly, this is because my initial reaction was… not good. Obvious trope followed obvious trope. But by the end, I had even warmed to the obnoxious Princess. She gets a great moment, confronting one of the henchmen, and going on a rant which begins by complaining about the wifi, drifts through reality TV, and ends up in a sad psychic story. Finally, an amusing anecdote. While we were watching this, Chris pipes up, “You know who’d be good as Devora if they remade this? Uma Thurman.” While I certainly couldn’t argue with her there, I did have to break the news, gently, that it already was Uma Thurman.

Dir: Vicky Jewson
Star: Iris Apatow, Lana Condor, Uma Thurman, Tamás Szabó Sipos

Line of Fire

  By

★★★½
“Australia, American style.”

Although this is very much an Australian movie, in both setting and characters, it feels quite a bit out of place there. We begin with a school shooting in which twenty students are killed. It would be utterly unprecedented there. According to this article, Australia’s most recent school shooting occurred back in May 7, 2012. It adds, “No one was injured.” Well, that’s kinda weak, isn’t it? I was reliably informed, everything in Australia is trying to kill you. Anyway, ex-soldier and police officer Samantha Romans (Garner) is first on the scene here, but fails to engage the active shooter. Her teenage son, Tim, is one of the victims. Inevitably, questions are asked of her in the aftermath. Not least by ambitious journalist Jamie Connard (Tolj), who negotiates a lucrative contract to write about events.

One condition: she needs to get Romans to tell her side of events. Initially, the cop won’t speak to the writer, so Connard ups the ante, posting an online video vilifying Romans and blaming her for Tim’s death. The journo’s husband, Greg (Cousins) is appalled, and asks her to stop. But ambition and greed overpower her common sense, especially because the tactic seems to have worked, Samantha agreeing to meet Jamie. Except… the policewoman doesn’t show up, and when the scribe returns home, she finds Greg and their daughter missing. She soon gets a phone-call from Samantha, and has to begin a hunt which is intended to push to and beyond her mental limits.

And, perhaps, teach her something about what her prospective subject went through on that traumatic day at the school. For in certain ways, it feels a little bit like a sister to The Hitcher, with someone having their life utterly upended by an unstoppable force. Trauma as twisted, Nietzschean life-coaching, if you will: what does not kill you, makes you stronger. The main difference is, there, the victim was picked for no particular reason. Here, it’s very specific, and to be honest, Connard does seem like a bit of a bitch, particularly in the early going. But by the end, she and her family have been put completely through the wringer, and it’s hard not to empathize with them.

However, you also gradually learn about Romans’ past as well, although we know early on she has lost her husband and another child, before Tim. The specifics, beyond that, are likely grimmer than you would have expected, or even imagined in a nightmare, to the point I wondered how she could have continued to function. While the two lead performances are very good, it does have some pacing issues. Where The Hitcher was absolutely relentless, this does on occasion grind to a halt and become static and chatty. In the main though, it remains a strong, if extremely dark, thriller, pitting two women against each other, both of whom are not the kind of characters you see often on-screen. 

Dir: Scott Major
Star: Nadine Garner, Samantha Tolj, Brett Cousins, Damian Walshe-Howling
a.k.a. Darklands

The Old Woman with the Knife

  By

★★★
“Growing old (dis)gracefully.”

This is certainly something different. It begins in 1975, when a young woman fights off and kills a wannabe rapist. This causes her to be recruited by an underground assassination group, who specialize in what they call “pest control”. This means eliminating, with extreme prejudice, those who are considered detrimental to society. Decades later, she is Hornclaw (Lee), the matriarch of the organization. But times are changing, and not necessarily for the better. Hornclaw is, inevitably, older and age is taking its toll, with her health beginning to fail. The group is wanting to change direction, and be more profit oriented, rather than socially aware. And a new, young recruit, Bullfight (S-c Kim), has little patience for the old mistress.

I really liked the heroine here. While there have been plenty of female assassin movies, their protagonist are inevitably young and pretty. I blame Luc Besson. :) While older, more grizzled and weatherworn action heroes exist – think Liam Neeson – action heroines aren’t typically given the same grace. Contrast, say, Kate Beckinsale (now in her fifties) in Wildcat. Still very nice. Not to say that Lee is ugly. There’s a “silver fox” thing going on that is attractive; see also, Helen Mirren. But the actress has wrinkles, with a face that has been lived-in. You just don’t see that in our genre; the ability to grow old visibly is something largely reserved for men. I simply wish the film had done a bit more with it.

Or maybe it does too much. It certainly feels like there’s an excess of sub-plots, to the point that it feels tricky to keep track of them. Sometimes, subtlety is not exactly the movie’s strong suit either. One of those threads involves Hornclaw rescuing a stray dog. The canine – eventually named Braveheart, which amused me far more than it should – is too blatant and obviously a metaphor for Hornclaw. When she takes him to the vet, he specifically tells her, “It’s so cruel to be abandoned because you’re old and sick.” I rolled my eyes. Similarly, we get conversations about produce and knives, recycling the idea you shouldn’t reject something based on its appearance. The fruit in question ends up ruthlessly crushed by Bullfight, if the metaphor wasn’t clear enough.

There are also the whole “This is my last job” and “Awkward witness” plot points, now such clichés it’s almost refreshing to see them used again. Almost. However, Lee is a strong enough actress – she has a long, well-regarded history of non-action performances – the film is able to survive. The action is well-staged too, with Hornclaw appearing to take some wince-inducing punishment, which borders on elder abuse. [While there’s clearly some stunt doubling going on, it’s done well enough to be largely unobvious] I might actually have preferred to have seen a film which coloured in the space between Hornclaw becoming an assassin, and the experienced to the point of jaded veteran we see, for the most part, here. Yet the original spin at its core is enough to counterbalance the formulaic approach in other elements. 

Dir: Kyu-dong Min
Star: Hye-young Lee, Sung-cheol Kim, Woo-jin Yeon, Mu-yeol Kim

Exquisite Bodyguard

  By

★★★
“Three’s Company”

I’m going with the title by which this is generally known. Not to be confused with the title given on the print – Female Bodyguards – or the one in the subtitles, Perfect Bodyguard. The Chinese title, per Google Translate is, The Stunning Bodyguard. Definitely something about bodyguards then: the rest is up to you. This is another one of these direct-to-streaming movies coming out of China, which I must confess to enjoying of late. They are, in many ways, the spiritual descendants of the Hong Kong GWG entries. This poster looks particularly like Heroic Trio. Though I have yet to see anyone in these films at the level of Moon Lee or Cynthia Khan – indeed, I doubt I recognise anyone. Still, thanks to Denis for pointing me in the direction of this specific one.

As is sadly often the case, the presentation was less than whelming. In particular, a good chunk of the audio track had been replaced with generic stock footage, which may have strayed in from a video game, with just that and the dialogue present. This was particularly unimpressive during the opening sequence, which is a large-scale gun battle, definitely diluting its impact. This issue persisted throughout, though at least it didn’t impact understanding of the plot. Jiang Nanying (Gab), Hu Lififei and Ma Yanni (Liu) are three bodyguards. On a mission to protect pharmaceutical scientist Huang Jiadong (Lun), Ma is killed, but Jiang ends up marrying Huang. Except, he gets kidnapped at their wedding. 

Three years (!) later, Jiang is in for a couple of shocks. Not only is Ma not dead, she is now working for the people on whose behalf Huang has been working since his matrimonial abduction. He’s beginning to suffer second thoughts, because his boss is pushing for experimentation on human subjects. I should mention this all takes place around pre-war Shanghai, with Huang a specialist in finding an artificial alternative to opium. Needless to say, his employers are less than respectable. Jiang ends up breaking into the compound, and tries to persuade her husband to leave. Naturally, it isn’t going to be quite as easy as that, despite Ma also having qualms about her current choice of employment. 

There’s fifteen minutes of fights and things getting blown up real good at the start, and round about the same at the end. This is great stuff, a mix of hand-to-hand combat and gun-fu, which is as good as anything you’ll see out of far bigger, Western, action heroine movies. I dunno if the actresses concerned are doing their own stunts. I can’t say it matters much. Running a crisp 71 minutes, the middle section is a little dull in parts. The script is not apparently interested in doing much except hitting the obligatory points, and you can mostly see these coming. Audio issues aside, it looks slick, and not particularly low-budget. I’ve a feeling I’ll be reviewing more Chinese imports in the future. 

Dir: Yuan Guangan
Star: Tingting Gan, Wang Hui, Lun Bo Ke, Liu Sasa