★★
“Poster 1, Movie 0.”
I have some friends – people whose opinions I typically respect – who swear by Jesus (Jess) Franco. For example, Tony, who used to run Psychotronic Video in London, and whose all-time favourite movie is Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! This is clearly a man of taste. But he also like Franco movies. Me? God knows, I’ve tried. On multiple occasions. Sober and drunk. But the vast majority of the ones I’ve seen seem like mediocre hack jobs, showing no directorial talent at all. The one I might give a pass to is Faceless, which is lurid enough to be fun. But otherwise? Plodding and dull, despite the typical presence of some undeniably attractive lead actresses. This does not break that mould.
It was just in a number of films featuring the two lead characters, a pair of female detectives called the Red Lips. There’s the blonde Regina (Vanni) and the redheaded Diana (Renaud). Here, they are hired by businessmen Mr. Radek for $50,000, to investigate the disappearance of Lita Regnier, a model who is the latest in a series of mysteriously abducted beautiful women. The trail eventually leads the due to enigmatic, reclusive painter and sculptor Karl Tiller (Hoven), for whom Lita had previously modelled. Turns out he’s a bit mad. Along with his werewolf-like assistant Morpho (Lemoine), who does the actual abductions, Tiller photographs the women as they’re being terrorized and murdered by Morpho, and turns the corpses into statues.
If this sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because Franco is ripping off ideas from previous, much better, movies, such as Peeping Tom and House of Wax. Of course, there are a lot of other influences too, from the Bond films through to Danger: Diabolik and the other Euro-crime movies popular in the decade. Franco’s inability to stage scenes in ways that generate the slightest excitement, more than counterbalance the fact that he has lovely eye-candy in the shapely shapes of his two leads. The problem is, far too many scenes which are only of tangential relation to the main story, such as the go-go dancing, or romantic dalliances for one of the Red Lips, more or less unnecessary to the plot.
Initially, it seemed as if this might be a parody along the lines of Our Man Flint. Virtually the first time we see Regina, she is naked under the sheets in bed and breaks the fourth wall to proclaim to the viewer that she can’t possibly get up unless we look elsewhere – the camera duly obliges by staying on her face in medium close-up. But consistency would be too much to expect from Franco, and there’s nothing like it the rest of the way. Nor, despite that genuinely impressive poster, is there much in the way of action. Even when a bomb in a bouquet is delivered, our heroines don’t open a window and toss it out. No, they run through the house with it, down the stairs and over next to the swimming pool before tossing it away. I do not find such idiocy endearing or amusing.
Dir: Jesus Franco
Star: Janine Reynaud, Rosanna Yanni, Adrian Hoven, Michel Lemoine
a.k.a. Sadisterotica


There’s no denying that this is considerably weakened by coming in the wake of Ready or Not 2. There’s just too much similarity for it to be otherwise. A woman having to fight her way through a bunch of Satanists, in order to save her kid sister? Yeah, there’s a strong sense of deja vu, in its most literal meaning. Yet it would be unfair to write this off as some kind of mockbuster. While the “elevator pitch” may be similar, the details and the approach taken are different. This skews considerably more towards the horror elements. Many reviews cite Sam Raimi and Quentin Tarantino as influences, and that’s not wrong. To the point I might have used fewer homages, to be honest.
To a certain extent, this feels like two separate novels joined at the hip, albeit sharing the same protagonist. The first half takes place on the planet of Hoganth, which is a gritty urban dystopia, with teenage heroine Rishi Tremayne trying desperately to survive, as she is ruthlessly hunted by a powerful family with ambitious aspirations. The second, however, largely takes place in outer space, as she becomes the weapons operator on a ship piloted by Earthman Derek Hamilton, as they try to shutdown the plot. There are a
If there’s absolutely nothing new here, it still manages to do what it does, fairly well. In the main, it’s light and fluffy, to be sure – though it has the capability to switch gears in an instant. For example, while this is by and large a Die Hard knock-off (from the “team edition” subcategory), I’ve not seen many films in that genre where a villain bludgeons a hostage to death with a hammer, because she reminded him of his mother. Just do not ask me to identify any of the players. This is another one of those films with the credits entirely in Chinese, very limited information available online, and subtitles which left a lot to be desired. Coherence, especially.
It’s clear what Snell is going for here. This is a throwback to the spaghetti Westerns of the seventies, along with Italian exploitation films from around the same time. I certainly admire the effort which went into this: for example, rather than shooting digitally and applying effects to imitate film, Snell actually shot on Kodak 16mm stock. I did not know that was still a thing, to be honest. Some of the other elements, like the music, also do a good job of reproducing the era – the movie poster is another one. I’ve seen enough of this kind of movie (mostly through
I’m tempted to be very snarky, say something like “The torment here is entirely on the viewer’s end” and make that the totality of the review. However, that’s a dangerous precedent, one I don’t want to set. Before long, I’d be phoning it in, and churning out nothing but single sentence reviews. I would instead spend my time sitting on the couch, eating Doritos and scrolling idly on my phone, before dying prematurely of a heart attack, and turning Chris into a grieving cat lady. Do you want that to happen, Torment? Do you, really? However, it probably does say something that such morbid speculation is still considerably more fun than either watching or writing about this.
It’s a samurai film. Except, it’s a Western. Only, it’s one which takes place in Scotland. I trust that’s cleared up any confusion here. However, you will still need to manage your expectations, because based on both the poster and the trailer, it would be easy to go in expecting something action-packed. It is not. At all. That element is heavily back-loaded, to the final fifteen minutes. It does include one of the more imaginative and splattery kills I’ve seen this year. Probably a bonus half-star for that alone. However, it’s more a movie about mood, atmosphere and scenery than arterial spray. But I lived in Scotland. I already know it’s pretty.
With that title, you’ll understand why it’s one I opted not to make part of family movie night. I mean, you can’t argue with the forthrightness, though I’ve little doubt it’s as “true” as most films which make that claim i.e. barely at all. However, the bigger problem is that it’s fairly borderline “pinky violence”, being considerably more interested in the pink than the violence: it’s arguably more of a roman porno. It’s as if someone presented a checklist of cliches from the woman in prison genre, and asked the director to cross them off as rapidly as possible. The resulting speed-run lasts barely more than seventy minutes, especially impressive considering the amount of time devoted to soft-core sex couplings, in various combinations.
This is not our first time here attending the Godfrey Ho rodeo. Indeed we wrote quite warmly about
★★★½