Tag: b

The Blind Swordswoman

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★½
“Gouge my eyes out, please.”

The rating above might actually be a little charitable, and would be for the film as originally released. The only version in which this is now apparently available, is both badly dubbed and pan-and-scanned to a 4:3 ratio. It certainly doesn’t help the film, when there are points at which all you can see of the participants in a conversation is an elbow, sticking in from one side of the screen. It’s close to unwatchable in this format, although I suspect it would barely pass muster, even in its original language and format. It feels like the Taiwanese makers saw Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman, released the previous year and thought, “That looks easy.” 

In reality? Not so much. It’s the story of the titular, visually challenged practitioner of the fencing arts (Lee), who is called “Elaine” in the dub. The basic plot sees her out for revenge against the evil Mr. Lee, who appears to be responsible for everything bad in the world, from the murder of her father, to her ocular situation. She isn’t the only one, as there’s another woman, similarly deficient in the eye-chart comprehension department, whose family has also suffered at the hands of Lee. She’s called “Sue-Ann” in the dub, and ends up getting sold off to a whorehouse. I suspect Mr. Lee was probably responsible for this too, if you dig deep enough. There’s another swordsman (Kong), who wanders in and out. In a shocking twist, he can see. 

To be blunt, this is the sort of movie which explains why Taiwanese kung-fu films have such a bad reputation. The original Ocean Shores video was titled Zatoichi, the Blind Swordsman: a shameless conceit this version abandoned. As well as being a blatant knock-off (not that Crimson Bat was exactly original, itself being a Zatoichi knock-off of course), it doesn’t feel as if anyone involved in this can do anything more than wave their weapons in the vague direction of each other. This is not helped by the director’s inability to shoot an action sequence: I’m half-convinced he was blind too. The plot is incomprehensibly murky, and there are too many characters, whose purpose often remains frustratingly vague.

Meanwhile, any sense of nuance in the performances is bludgeoned to death by the English language soundtrack. It feels like the voice actors just got fired for incompetence from dubbing porn movies. Or perhaps were homeless people, pulled off the street into the studio at the last minute. Make no mistake though: this does not manage to make it into the “so bad it’s good” category of chop-socky flicks. It’s simply “so bad”. It might be worth trying to track down should you be after a test of cinematic endurance. If you can go longer than any ten minute period in this, without idly scrolling on your phone, you will be doing better than I managed.

Dir: Lung Chien
Star: Lee Shu, Shen Yi, Kong Ban, Yee Yuen
a.k.a. Golden Sword and the Blind Swordswoman

Burner

  By

★★½
“Crime does pay…”

Kiki (Owens) was in a detrimental relationship with drug dealer Axar (Wheatley), until an arrest and subsequent jail time acted as a wake-up call. She cleaned up her act while inside, got out on probation, and has just succeeded in winning back custody of her teenage daughter, Lola Ray (Wylie). However, Axar – who slid out from charges on a technicality involving mishandled evidence – comes crawling out of the woodwork, wanting to resume their relationship, and offering one last score which will set the family up for life. This goes badly and violently wrong (of course!), but Kiki ends up in control of a cryptocurrency wallet containing close to a million dollars. Naturally, that’s not where the story ends. 

Indeed, the early going goes bouncing about in time like a rubber ball, beginning with Kiki being hauled out of a van by a masked man, in the middle of the desert. We then kick back to see the various events which led up to that point, as outlined above. I’m not sure this approach necessarily adds much, beyond offering an immediate hook at the start. It always feels like the use of this gimmick indicates film-makers are unsure about the overall strength of their narrative, having to cherry-pick an incident to lure people in. That is somewhat the case here, with a story that doesn’t have much to offer which wasn’t familiar.

For example, the mother prepared to go to dodgy lengths for her child is rather clichéd, and the supposed twist provided by the reveal at the end, of what actually happened, is nowhere near as much a surprise as the makers think. However, there are enough positives in other elements to make this a tolerable watch. Owens’s performance gives Kiki a commitment which helps paper over the cracks, and there are a couple of excellent supporting actors. Veteran Lew Temple only has one scene, as the detective investigating the shootout, but almost steals the film with his probing interrogation of Kiki. He knows for sure something is up; he just can’t prove it, given Kiki’s stonewalling. Similarly, Jolene Andersen is great in her single scene as very bad cop Stanikov.

However, these moments only highlight the rest of the film, which is nothing special at all. I didn’t feel Kiki was particularly sympathetic, not least because she jumps back in with Axar far too easily for my tastes. Certain subsequent events – part of the reveal – also suggest she’s hardly a good person or a fit mother. Indeed, you could credibly argue she’s worse than Axar, and certainly little worse than Stanikov. Again, this feels like a misstep by the makers, who seem to like their lead character more than they give the viewer reason to do so. Having a kid feels very much a lazy and insufficient excuse for her actions. While it’s understandable, this does leave the film touting a questionable moral, albeit unintentionally.

Dir: Robert Orr
Star: Kacy Owens, James Oliver Wheatley, Akina Wylie, Robert Laenen

Behind Blue Eyes, by Anna Mocikat

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Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

The set-up here is an interesting one. The world is now entirely ruled by three corporations. The Olympias Conglomerate governs the Americas; TogbuaXiang controls Asia; and Rosprom holds sway over Europe. Certainly under Olympias, life is not terrible, with the company providing for all your needs. However, the cost is a total lack of freedom, with any attempt to live outside the control of Olympias brutally suppressed. In charge of doing that are its feared Guardian Angels, who are trained from birth to be ruthless killers, augmented by cybernetic implants to be faster and stronger than any human, and absolutely obedient to their commanding officer, Metatron.

Or not. Because where would the fun and dramatic conflict be in that? Specifically, Nephilim, who is being groomed by Metatron to become one of his inner cabal, the Archangels. Except, after a mission to exterminate a dissident encampment, her programming seems to be breaking down, and she is having increasing doubts about which side she is on. She’s even “dreaming”, something unheard of for Angels. A friendly tech (who basically has a crush on Nephilim) implants her with a device which allows some autonomy from the perpetual surveillance under which Guardian Angels operate. While on her nightly excursions, she meets Jake, who opens her eyes to the realities of what she is doing. Nephilim decides to rebel again Metatron and everything she has done her whole life. 

It feels as if Mocikat was a big fan of Equilbrium, the similarly dystopian film in which a highly-skilled and savage enforcer (played by Christian Bale) rebelled against his conditioning, after having his eyes opened to the totalitarian regime for which he works. This is fine, because I’m a big fan of it as well. But it does bring a certain predictability to proceedings, almost from the start. I’d have been more impressed if Nephilim had not rediscovered her individuality – or had done so, and instead remained enthusiastically carrying out the orders of Metatron and Olympias. The only real wrinkle here is that Jake has secrets of his own, and even these are not particularly significant in the final analysis. 

However, while it’s not hard to work out the final destination, the journey to get there still made for a decent read. The world here is developed nicely, and you are left wondering how much liberty people would be willing to give up, in exchange for security and comfort [the answer, I suspect, is a great deal] Nephilim certainly proves capable of taking on just about anything thrown at her, with her 60% artificial body, and the action scenes are crisp and well-described. At almost five hundred pages, it does cram a lot in, but never felt particularly padded. The ending feels like it may push the author into less predictable territory, and I would say that’s likely for the best. Moderately curious as to where it might go.  

Author: Anna Mocikat
Publisher: Self published, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
Book 1 of 7 in the Behind Blue Eyes series.

Born Again Baddie

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★★½
“God told me to do it.”

With a running time of 155 minutes, this may be the Gone With the Wind of low-budget urban cinema. To be fair, it didn’t feel that long. To be honest, this might have been partly because it was watched in five separate chunks, over the course of about a week. However, in comparison to some entries I’ve seen, this is technically competent. Director Freddie (whose last name appears to have been abandoned) knows where to point the camera, and he has assembled a decent enough cast of actors, presumably found in the Charlotte, North Carolina area where the story unfolds. Though in this genre, “decent enough” is code for “does not generate physical pain with their performances.” 

It opens with a quote from the Bible – Jeremiah 29:11, to be precise. This will become relevant, although not for another two hours or more. Instead, we are into what is probably trope #1 for the genre: the rise-and-fall story. In this case, the heroine is Nia (Evans), whom we first meet in prison. New inmate Sheba (Abell) realizes that Nia used to be her idol, when Nia was on the outside and called ‘Baddie Bedina’. Her reputation had her dead or on the run. In reality, she’s been inside for a decade, with ten more to serve, and tells her life story to Sheba. This begins with her as a young girl, struggling to take care of her disabled father, a situation which eventually forces her into prostitution. 

She’s good enough at that to become one of the top escorts in the city, the #1 girl at the agency for whom she works, the subtly-named “Harlots”. One of her most regular and richest customers is businessman JP (Tillman), who falls for Baddie. She discovers his business is crime, and saves his life (top) when his enemies attack them at his house. After he goes to prison, for assaulting a slumlord, she takes over and expands the territory under their control – with surprising ease, it has to be said). This comes at a price, and the eventual reprisals force Baddie on the run. She hides out in a remote cabin which her father built with his friend Arthur (Massey).

Trouble follows: unsurprisingly, because she blabs her location to the head of Harlots, after about 30 seconds of chit-chat. Considering they didn’t exactly part on good company, this is incredibly dumb of her. However, she has an ally because Harold is… No, I can’t even. Let’s just say, I did not see his identity coming, and that Bible verse becomes increasingly relevant. It’s certainly unique among GWG films: whether it’s good or not is likely a sharp matter of both personal opinion, and religious conviction. Nia speaks about taking the consequences for her actions, yet there’s a (literal) get out of jail free card here. Credit to Freddie for taking a different route – I just can’t say it’s one that worked for me.

Dir: Freddie
Star: August Evans, Torri J. Tillman, Carlos Massey, Destiny Abell

The Bluff

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★★★
“Back from Davy Jones’s locker.”

Are women pirates in vogue again? It’s safe to say that the startling failure of Cutthroat Island holed that subgenre of action heroine movies below the water. That was over thirty years ago now, and this may well be the first time Hollywood has returned to it since. [I found an indie film about Irish pirate Grainne Uaile which wrapped shooting in February 2014, and still hasn’t received a release] Though even here, there isn’t much high seas action here. Outside of the opening scene, where Captain Connor (Urban) boards a ship run by Captain Bodden (Córdova) and finds gold stamped with Connor’s hallmark, this takes place almost entirely on land, specifically the island of Cayman Brac.

Connor heads there, that being where Bodden’s ship came from, in search of the rest of the gold. This was taken from him years previously by then piratical associate Bloody Mary (Chopra Jonas) , who stabbed Connor in the chest and left him for dead. She is now Mrs. Ercell Bodden, having abandoned the nautical life, and started a family. The arrival of her ex-lover upends her domestic bliss, and forces her back into the violent way of life. It’s all kinda like The Long Kiss Goodnight, without the amnesia thing. She has to protect her crippled son Isaac and rather flighty sister-in-law Lizzie (Oakley-Green), while figuring out how to rescue her husband from Connor’s clutches.

The two leads are probably the best things about thus. Chopra Jonas has been ramping up her action chops since her co-starring role in Citadel – also an Amazon product – and does a good job throughout. Urban makes for a great villain, despite being solidly into his mid-fifties. He still commands a fine screen presence, almost thirty years after playing Julius Caesar on Xena. However, the other elements aren’t quite as impressive – or, at least, not consistently so. Flowers doesn’t have a lot of directorial experience, especially in the action genre, and sometimes that shows. There are some good sequences, such as where Ercell fends off buccaneers in her own home. But others, such as a battle in a cave complex, come over as dark and muddled.

The same lack of consistency hampers the rest of the film. For every cool moment – such as the discovery that there are caimans on Cayman Brac – there are elements that don’t work, like Ercell’s relationship with Lizzie. Another issue is that since the days of Cutthroat Island, the genre has been redefined by the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Any pirate movie will inevitably be compared to it, and any hero(ine) to Jack Sparrow. It’s an awkward situation, and it feels as if The Bluff is torn between pandering to this, and being its own thing. Whatever Cutthroat‘s issues – and they were numerous – that wasn’t one. But if this can prove the viability of female pirates again, it’ll have been worth the effort. 

Dir: Frank E. Flowers
Star: Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Karl Urban, Safia Oakley-Green, Ismael Cruz Córdova

Billie the Kid

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★½
“Sadly, they’re not kid-ding.”

I’m inclined to look kindly on this, because I suspect it was a local production, filmed here in Arizona. While the end credits are silent on the topic, there are enough saguaro cacti about, to make it likely the faux Western town and other locations used, were somewhere near me. I recognize an actor or two as well. Unfortunately, it’s not exactly a film I would hold up as a shining example of quality Arizona cinema. While clearly set in the Old West, the movie is stuffed with anachronisms, from haircuts through a terrible British accent to glasses. It consequently never succeeds in establishing a convincing sense of period. This is a bit of a shame, since the Western horror action heroine isn’t one we see often. 

In this case, it’s vampires which provide the darker elements – though these can daywalk, probably because it’s harder to film at night. A small clan are seeking the location of Drakul, a senior bloodsucker who can grant a blessing to his chosen one. Emphasis on “one”, leading to dissent in the ranks. Meanwhile, the bodies they left behind causes local Sheriff Jack Barton (Prell) to assemble a posse. Included is Billie (Hsu), who was languishing in Barton’s jail, but is allowed out due to her tracking skills. There’s also a Van Helsing type, in the shape of black “British” guy – did I mention the accent? – James Underhill (Monroe), who seems to know a lot about them. One might say a suspicious amount.

A simple approach would have worked better here, pitting cowboys against vampires in a straightforward action adventure. But the film diverts too much time and energy into uninteresting areas. For example, it tries repeatedly to generate romantic tension between Billie and Jack. However, when this relies on lines like, “I’m plenty good – and I’m good at plenty”, it’s a struggle which is more uphill than the side of El Capitan. Similarly, one of the vampires (Conran) has taken up with a prospector (did I mention the haircut?), a thread which occupies running-time and little else. The same goes for Billie’s back story, involving sexual abuse and revenge. Couldn’t she just be a gunslinger without a tragic past?

Things grind to a particular halt in the middle, freeing me up to consider whether or not this was better than the infamous and similarly themed 1966 B-movie, Billy the Kid Versus Dracula. Given John Carradine called the latter the worst of the 343 feature films in which he appeared, the competition is tough. This probably isn’t quite as bad: Hsu does what she can with dialogue which is often spectacularly terrible. But much like its predecessor, this fails badly as a Western, and likely even more so as a horror film. I was left with a greater understanding of precisely why the two genres have largely gone their own way. Though the general ineptness in this production certainly doesn’t help.

Dir: Paul Tomborello
Star: Olivia Hsu, Frank Prell, Zion Monroe, Veronica Conran

The Broken Sword, by Jonathan Posner

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Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

I’m not sure I’ve read a book with a 16th-century action heroine before, so the setting here certainly appears a fresh one. Things take place during the reign of King Henry the Eighth of England, when Mary Fox had been brought up alongside her three older brothers. From them she had secretly learned how to wield a sword and ride a horse, among other unladylike skills. But having now reached adulthood, her father is intent on marrying her off, to the particularly repellent Sir Reginald de Courtney. Mary is having none of that, so packs her bags and leaves the family home.

On the road, she saves Sir John Fitzwilliam and his son, Robert, from a brigand. She then agrees to help on their quest, returning a precious heirloom, the titular weapon, to their family home. However, Sir Reginald is not taking the loss of his bride-to-be lightly, and is in pursuit, with the intention to put Mary back under his control. For at this point in history, a woman had very little independence in the eyes of the law, being little more than property, first of her father, and then her husband. I repeat: Mary is having none of that, and most of the book is basically an extended chase, first back to Sir John’s estates, and then continuing, as Mary heads off on her own.

It makes for a breezy romp, one which won’t challenge the reader, yet definitely kept me wanting to read on. I will say, Mary does not exactly seem like she comes from the middle ages, feeling more like a modern gal transplanted back in time. Apart from odd epithets like “God’s wounds”, the dialogue similarly feels largely contemporary. It’s not Shakespeare, put it that way, although to be fair, most films set in the era play similarly fast and loose with historical accuracy in their speech. We also get the “woman pretends to be a man” trope, as often seen in Chinese films, and looking at the cover, it seems about as plausible here. Which would be “not very”!

On the plus side, romance is very heavily back-burnered. While Mary does eventually grow to respect Robert, after initially referring to him in her mind as “Weed,” she decides not to remain with the Fitzwilliams, instead choosing admirably to carve out her own path. This does cause problems, not least her decision to stick around the very same inn, where she had just escaped from Sir Reginald’s clutches. [I’ve rarely come closer to yelling at my Kindle!] But it does also lead to the opportunity which will be covered in the second volume. I suspect more cross-dressing is going to be in her future there, and I have questions about that too, e.g. You want someone to imitate a boy… why use a girl? All criticism aside, the bottom line is: I was entertained by this, and can see myself investing in the sequel down the road. 

Author: Jonathan Posner
Publisher: Winter & Drew Publishing, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
Book 1 of 2 in the Mary Fox Adventures series.

A Breed Apart

  By

★★½
“Dogged by problems”

I’ve seen a lot of reviews slagging this off as irredeemably bad, and that’s fair comment. Its execution is often lazy to the point of incompetence, and the talents of the cast are largely wasted. And, yet… Was I not entertained? More than I expected, reading those reviews. Oh, sometimes in the wrong way, certainly. But it’s clear the makers were in on the joke. To a certain degree, as with the likes of Sharknado, that critic-proofs it, because it is intended to be stupid and implausible. When you have a dog running around for half the film with a wine-bottle on its muzzle, or canines which can climb trees and ropes… Yeah, it’s clear the creators aren’t letting reality get in the way. 

This is a spiritual sequel to 2006’s The Breed, in which Michelle Rodriguez and her friends land on an island populated by feral attack dogs. Society wasn’t holding its breath for a follow-up, yet here we are. In this version, a film about those events gets abandoned, and 13 years later, influencer Vince Vertura brings five colleagues to the island location to rescue the now thoroughly wild pups. This goes about as well as you would expect, and they quickly start getting turned into doggie chow. Siblings Violet (Curry) and Collins (Steiner), have to try and survive, with the kinda help of Vertura’s personal assistant, Thalia (Gardner), and the other, largely useless, Internet personalities. 

I was hoping for more, based off the poster, and the fact that this re-teams Currey and Gardner, who worked so well together in the awesome Fall. This is not awesome, though I did laugh at the exchange between them:
– What idiots climb up a cellphone tower?
– Someone with a death wish, that’s who.
clearly intended as a knowing reference to their previous film. Oh, and if you are expecting much Hayden Panettiere, given the artwork, you will be disappointed. She shows up at the beginning, then vanishes until the very end. Though she does end up going full Kristi Noem on the dogs, as they besiege the boat on which Violet and Thalia are holed up. [Yeah, I watched a certain South Park episode last night!]

There is some light bow-work from Violet, and it’s certainly a movie that will be appreciated more by cat people, if you know what I mean. You will have to be very tolerant of effects for the dog attacks, which rarely reach the level of anything remotely convincing. Say what you like about The Breed, at least they did use real animals. These are largely bad CGI, and I speak as someone who has seen far too many straight-to-video Chinese films, which set the bar for bad CGI. The Furst’s filmography is littered with movies titled such as Trailer Park Shark or Ghost Shark, and this is not dissimilar. Indeed, at one point a dog falls overboard right into the mouth of a shark. If you don’t find that greatly amusing, this may not be for you.

Dir: The Furst Brothers
Star: Grace Caroline Currey, Virginia Gardner, Riele Downs, Zak Steiner

 

Black Bags

  By

★★½
“Lost luggage.”

The first half of this is better than average, setting up an intriguing scenario that feels as if it might be going somewhere. Unfortunately, the second half manages to go almost nowhere, the hard edge honed to that point being severely blunted. We end in something which feels more appropriate for an “Aren’t All Men Bastards?” marathon on the Lifetime channel. It centres on Tess (Rulin), a pregnant woman returning to her new home in the countryside on the bus – her husband having forbidden her to drive. However, she ends up collecting the wrong suitcase, picking up an identical one belonging to another passenger. When she gets home and opens it, she finds a severed head. Worse, the case’s owner is now at her door.

This is Sara (Vandervoort), a black-gloved killer, who now wants – no, make that requires – Tess’s help to dispose of the evidence. Sara does have the courtesy to explain why she is carrying about a head. Eleven years ago, she’d had an affair with a married man, resulting in a daughter. The child now has leukemia, and she went to ask the father for help. It did not go well. But what’s also clear is that there is a good deal going on, to which we, the audience, are not privy. Tess’s husband seems sketchy from the little we have seen of him, and it gradually also becomes apparent that the switching of bags was no random accident, Tess being very specifically the target. 

It’s during the disposal things start going wrong for the movie. An abandoned factory, I can accept. One with an open vat of bubbling green stuff, perfect for dissolving heads? A little too convenient.  Then, let’s go get pie together! And tell the waitress we literally just got away with murder! It feels quite at odds with the smart person Sara had been – those gloves are there for a reason. The more we find out, the more it feels like the script is shooting itself in the foot, while simultaneously tying itself in knots. Which is quite an achievement, if you think about it. It also drops the twist we’ve been anticipating since the beginning, though your reaction may be more “Huh” then “Wow”.

In the end, the biggest problem may be trying to make Sara sympathetic. Once it’s been established that she flat-out decapitated someone, it’s always going to be a difficult road back, regardless of her motivation (and by throwing not just a child, but a sick one at us there, the script is guilty of trying too hard). It is both more plausible and entertaining when she’s behaving like Villanelle, than when Sara is trying to be the concerned parent. Unfortunately, it’s the latter which becomes heavily weighted as we reach the end, she and Tess eventually seeming to bond over motherhood. A particularly superfluous coda whacks another half-star off the rating, and solidifies the final score as below average. Bit of a shame.

Dir: Josh Brandon
Star: Laura Vandervoort, Olesya Rulin, Ryan Francis, Drew Pollock

The Beta Project

  By

★
“Beta, in the other sense of the word.”

I usually strive to find something nice to say about most low-budget action heroine films. Maybe the soundtrack is cool. Or there’s one performance which stands out. But for this one, I’m really struggling. The good here more or less begins and ends with the synopsis, which is also why it’s here: “Four women are recruited into an organization that hunts the supernatural.” Mauser does appear to be on board with our field, and we’ve covered a couple of his films before, most recently the fairly decent Lady Lawman. While flawed, you could overlook the shortcomings if you squinted somewhat. This, however, is a clear step back, and was a real struggle to get through. 

In the scenario that unfolds here, there is indeed an unnamed organization, run by Rose (Nash). The supernatural in question is… Well, it’s basically vampires, and in particular the legendary Lilith (co-director Berkshire). She is supposed to have died centuries ago, but the group discover this is not the case. The decision is made to recruit four women to take on Lilith (who is not the hairy dude shown on the poster). Why does it have to be women, you may be asking. Good question. Pity it’s one the film is completely uninterested in answering. Not that it matters, because the group never really ends up getting recruited either. Instead, there’s just smuggler AJ (Rodriguez), who gets paired with the organization’s accountant (!) and… Well, not very much, either. They go rescue one of AJ’s pals. That’s just about it.

What we have here feels like it could, and should, have been taken care of inside the first ten minutes, instead of playing out at feature length, like a pilot movie for a TV series that nobody wants to watch. It’s full of interminable scenes which deserve to have died a death on the cutting-room floor, like the introduction of AJ and pals, sitting around a restaurant. Or the training scene where AJ and accountant get whacked with sticks a couple of times. The latter is actually pointed out by the characters as useless, in a way that I can only presume was intended to be funny. Guess what? It isn’t, in the slightest. 

This is in part because there’s no real difference between the stick-whacking and the “genuine” action scenes, which are utterly limp and unconvincing. When killed, the vampires “explode” in a shower of sparks, in a way done considerably better by the Buffy TV show, approaching thirty years ago. The performances are generally unconvincing too: Berkshire comes out okay, which may explain why she ends up also playing another recruit, Joy, in addition to the villainess. I kept expecting them to be sisters or something, but… Nope. Like so much else here, it was thoroughly pointless. All the goodwill Mauser picked up for the “can do” attitude of his previous films has been wasted; he’s now on my “approach with caution” list. 

Dir: Brett William Mauser and Dane Berkshire
Star: Cristina Cruz Rodríguez, Dane Berkshire, Katrina Nash, Brett Mauser