Author: Jim McLennan

Watch Out, Crimson Bat!

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★★

The third entry in the series saw a new director, and unfortunately, a marked turn for the worse, largely because the focus drifts off Oichi. It starts briskly enough, with the heroine coming into possession of a new, effective formula for gunpowder, something barely known at the time in Japan. Understandably, this makes her the focus of attention, in particular for a group with an interest in profiting from the discovery.

I have a number of qualms with the storyline here, not least the concept that “weapons of mass destruction” (as gunpowder was, when compared to the arrows and swords prevalent during this era) are safe in any hands. Moral doubts aside, the main flaw is the introduction of characters such as Gennosuke (Ibuku) and, worse still, an immensely irritating pair of teenage orphans. Together, they succeed in making Oichi feel like a supporting character in her own movie, and she is almost entirely absent from action in the middle portion.

By the time she rides to the rescue…yes, I said “rides”, her previously unmentioned equestrian skills being hand-waved away with “the horse knows where it’s going”…the film is pretty much dead in the water. The final battle does mark another step up in scale, with Matsuyama’s skills again clearly improved, and the quantity of enemies dispatched again setting a high-water mark, even if Gennosuke gets to take out almost as many as Oichi, and the way in which the villainous henchman suddenly switches sides is laughable. In marked contrast to its two predecessors, this does have a proper ending, tying up the loose threads in a satisfying, if conventional, way. It isn’t enough to rescue the day, with interest having succumbed at a disturbingly early point.

In its incarnation as Samurai Woman (left), I believe this was the only installment to see a release in the UK. When first seen, over a decade ago, it was unimpressive, and it remains weak, particularly when viewed from an action heroine perspective. But even in general terms, it’s a poor piece of cinematic storytelling.

Dir: Hirokazu Ichimura
Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Goro Ibuki, Kiyoko Inoue, Asahi Kurizuka
a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Midare Gasa

Trapped, the Crimson Bat

  By

★★★★

Later that same year (1969), Oichi was back in action, and at the start of Trapped, seems quite content with her life as a bounty-huntress. She has even adopted an orphan, just as she herself was taken in herself, but two things wreck this relatively happy situation. She discovers her protege is really a runaway, not an orphan, and consequently has to abandon her – again, as she was discarded. Worse yet, she incurs the wrath of fellow bounty-huntress Oen (Matsuoka), a kitten with a whip and pockets full of venomous snakes, who leaves Oichi for dead. Luckily, she is nursed back to health by Matsuka (Irikawa), a farmer who doesn’t care about her shady past, and Oichi discovers the joys of a simpler existence – specifically, one not involving the slaughter of criminals for cash. Of course, the inevitable eventually happens: local thug Bunzo (Abe) starts taking the locals’ rice stocks, with Oen closely in tow. No prizes for guessing that the quiet life isn’t going to last long, especially after Matsuka is manipulated by Oen into owing a gambling debt to Bunzo.

This is a fine movie, with Matusoka in particular a grand foil for the heroine, her hair covering one half of her face like a veil, and the other half usually displaying a near-psychotic expression. Oichi’s struggles to leave her past behind feel almost like Shakespearean tragedy, and the final shots of the film, while a sudden way to end, hint strongly at an endless, futile struggle. To paraphrase George Orwell, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a Samurai sword slicing up an opponent…forever. Downbeat? Hell, yes. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

The action is decent too, with Matsuyama definitely operating a step above her first outing; although these aren’t usually so much fights, more the swift dispatch of one or more opponents, that’s par for the chambara genre. Matsuka is somewhat of an enigma as a character – it’s hard to see why Oichi falls for him, and the whole “orphan” plotline is not well handled. In particular, it’s lacking any kind of background, to the extent it feels like an entire film was missing. The rest of the story though, is well-crafted and packs a solid wallop; you could certainly argue that this is the best flight of the Crimson Bat.

Dir: Matsuda Teiki
Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Yasunori Irikawa, Kikko Matsuoka, Toru Abe
a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Jigoku Hada

Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman

  By

★★★

We meet our heroine Oichi as a young child, who has just been being abandoned by her mother – not sure what happened to father, but we later discover Mom’s a prostitute, so can probably fill in the blanks ourselves. To make matters worse, the tree under which Oichi takes shelter from a storm is struck by lightning, rendering her totally blind, in a way that’s – probably wisely – left medically unexplained. However, she is then taken in by a kind gentleman, who brings her up, and on into adulthood.

She’s no luckier with her foster parent, who is murdered by a former associate, Devil Denzou (Amatsu); she is saved from the same fate by a wandering samurai. He sees her potential and trains her in the way of the sword, to the point where she has surpassed him. But she mentions the M-word – “marriage” – and he, too, exits like a, er, bat out of hell. On subsequent travels, she uses her skills to save yet another man from being lynched, and eventually, all these disparate plot threads join up, more or less. Though others, such as the woman with a killer yo-yo [GoGo Yubari’s ancestor?] just kinda drift out of the plot.

The film is at its best when there is the threat of violence; much like Sergio Leone, the lead-up lasts much longer than the actual acts, with the director ratcheting up the tension. For example, there’s one scene where Oichi visits a gambling parlour to raise money, and from the moment she sits down, you know it’s just a matter of time before her sword comes out of its red sheath (which presumably is the origin of her name – that, and the copious blood that tends to get sprayed when she’s around). There’s also a nice visual sense at work throughout here, particularly in lighting, which enhances proceedings nicely.

And, being honest, the actual drama needs all the help it can get, since it seems limp in comparison, though allowance should likely be made for the dubbing. That, however, can’t explain the bouncing back and forth in time, which may induce temporal nausea in susceptible viewers; it feels as if the finished film got tossed in the air and is shown in the order it hit the ground. And while there’s a decent “ah-hah!” when everything ties up, this isn’t enough to justify the lengthy set-up. Fewer plot threads, explored in depth, would be a major improvement.

Dir: Matsuda Teiki
Star: Yoko Matsuyama, Isamu Nagato, Jun Tatara, Satoshi Amatsu
a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Makkana Nagaredoni

The Crimson Bat series

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“Up to bat…”

While the samurai is one of the most common archetypes in Japanese cinema, the female version is about as rare as the female gunslinger. Although none of these women reached anything like the popularity of Zatoichi – 26 films starring Shintaro Katsu alone, never mind the recent Takeshi Kitano version – there have been a few that have attempted to break the mould. Azumi and The Princess Blade have both achieved cult status in the West, assisted by Tarantino’s take in Kill Bill, Volume 1. Back in 1973, there was Lady Snowblood, which was successful enough to merit a sequel the following year, but so far, only one samurai-ess series has survived more than two outings.

That swordswoman is Oichi, supposedly based on an animated story and character by Teruo Tanashita – but, really, who are they trying to kid? This was simply the Shochiku’s studio’s answer to Daiei’s Zatoichi, and any protestations to the contrary should be treated with deep scepticism. Both hero and heroine are blind, yet have no problem fighting for truth, justice and the Amer…Japanese way, as they wander through the traditional chambara landscape. [Indeed, in the first film, a blind masseuse wobbles drunkenly through one scene, in what can only be a casual potshot at Zatoichi] Original thought is not something to look for in the Crimson Bat series, even ardent fans will admit. However, Shochiku did strike gold in Yuko Matsuyama; albeit they didn’t have to look very far to find her, since she was married to character creator Tanashita. I get the feeling Shochiku didn’t exactly over-exert themselves in a star search.

With the success of Kill Bill, it seems a little strange that no-one has seen fit to give Crimson Bat proper English-language distribution. However, we don’t let things like that stop us. :-) While dubbed versions of all four films in the saga are available on the grey market, the bootleg prints seem to have Dutch, or occasionally Greek, subtitles. This lends the whole thing a certain surreal air, though as dubs go, they aren’t bad – an opinion no doubt assisted by the characters, who generally prefer to let their actions speak louder than their words. And since even Alex in Wonderland, pretty much the fount of all GWG wisdom, appears to have missed these, we’re proud to present what is (as far as I’m aware) the first review of the entire series to appear on the Internet.

[August 2005, Bill F writes: “You may be interested to learn that after the last film it was turned into a television series. The film series was produced by Shochiku. The TV series was produced by Toei. Like the films, the TV series starred Yuko Matsuyama. The TV series also starred Hiroshi Fujioka and it ran for 25 episodes (4/12/71 – 9/27/71).”]

  • Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman

    ★★★

    We meet our heroine Oichi as a young child, who has just been being abandoned by her mother – not sure what happened to father, but we later discover Mom’s a prostitute, so can probably fill in the blanks ourselves. To make matters worse, the tree under which Oichi takes shelter from a storm is struck by lightning, rendering her totally blind, in a way that’s – probably wisely – left medically unexplained. However, she is then taken in by a kind gentleman, who brings her up, and on into adulthood.

    She’s no luckier with her foster parent, who is murdered by a former associate, Devil Denzou (Amatsu); she is saved from the same fate by a wandering samurai. He sees her potential and trains her in the way of the sword, to the point where she has surpassed him. But she mentions the M-word – “marriage” – and he, too, exits like a, er, bat out of hell. On subsequent travels, she uses her skills to save yet another man from being lynched, and eventually, all these disparate plot threads join up, more or less. Though others, such as the woman with a killer yo-yo [GoGo Yubari’s ancestor?] just kinda drift out of the plot.

    The film is at its best when there is the threat of violence; much like Sergio Leone, the lead-up lasts much longer than the actual acts, with the director ratcheting up the tension. For example, there’s one scene where Oichi visits a gambling parlour to raise money, and from the moment she sits down, you know it’s just a matter of time before her sword comes out of its red sheath (which presumably is the origin of her name – that, and the copious blood that tends to get sprayed when she’s around). There’s also a nice visual sense at work throughout here, particularly in lighting, which enhances proceedings nicely.

    And, being honest, the actual drama needs all the help it can get, since it seems limp in comparison, though allowance should likely be made for the dubbing. That, however, can’t explain the bouncing back and forth in time, which may induce temporal nausea in susceptible viewers; it feels as if the finished film got tossed in the air and is shown in the order it hit the ground. And while there’s a decent “ah-hah!” when everything ties up, this isn’t enough to justify the lengthy set-up. Fewer plot threads, explored in depth, would be a major improvement.

    Dir: Matsuda Teiki
    Star: Yoko Matsuyama, Isamu Nagato, Jun Tatara, Satoshi Amatsu
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Makkana Nagaredoni

    Continue reading →
  • Trapped, the Crimson Bat

    ★★★★

    Later that same year (1969), Oichi was back in action, and at the start of Trapped, seems quite content with her life as a bounty-huntress. She has even adopted an orphan, just as she herself was taken in herself, but two things wreck this relatively happy situation. She discovers her protege is really a runaway, not an orphan, and consequently has to abandon her – again, as she was discarded. Worse yet, she incurs the wrath of fellow bounty-huntress Oen (Matsuoka), a kitten with a whip and pockets full of venomous snakes, who leaves Oichi for dead. Luckily, she is nursed back to health by Matsuka (Irikawa), a farmer who doesn’t care about her shady past, and Oichi discovers the joys of a simpler existence – specifically, one not involving the slaughter of criminals for cash. Of course, the inevitable eventually happens: local thug Bunzo (Abe) starts taking the locals’ rice stocks, with Oen closely in tow. No prizes for guessing that the quiet life isn’t going to last long, especially after Matsuka is manipulated by Oen into owing a gambling debt to Bunzo.

    This is a fine movie, with Matusoka in particular a grand foil for the heroine, her hair covering one half of her face like a veil, and the other half usually displaying a near-psychotic expression. Oichi’s struggles to leave her past behind feel almost like Shakespearean tragedy, and the final shots of the film, while a sudden way to end, hint strongly at an endless, futile struggle. To paraphrase George Orwell, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a Samurai sword slicing up an opponent…forever. Downbeat? Hell, yes. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

    The action is decent too, with Matsuyama definitely operating a step above her first outing; although these aren’t usually so much fights, more the swift dispatch of one or more opponents, that’s par for the chambara genre. Matsuka is somewhat of an enigma as a character – it’s hard to see why Oichi falls for him, and the whole “orphan” plotline is not well handled. In particular, it’s lacking any kind of background, to the extent it feels like an entire film was missing. The rest of the story though, is well-crafted and packs a solid wallop; you could certainly argue that this is the best flight of the Crimson Bat.

    Dir: Matsuda Teiki
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Yasunori Irikawa, Kikko Matsuoka, Toru Abe
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Jigoku Hada

    Continue reading →
  • Watch Out, Crimson Bat!

    ★★

    The third entry in the series saw a new director, and unfortunately, a marked turn for the worse, largely because the focus drifts off Oichi. It starts briskly enough, with the heroine coming into possession of a new, effective formula for gunpowder, something barely known at the time in Japan. Understandably, this makes her the focus of attention, in particular for a group with an interest in profiting from the discovery.

    I have a number of qualms with the storyline here, not least the concept that “weapons of mass destruction” (as gunpowder was, when compared to the arrows and swords prevalent during this era) are safe in any hands. Moral doubts aside, the main flaw is the introduction of characters such as Gennosuke (Ibuku) and, worse still, an immensely irritating pair of teenage orphans. Together, they succeed in making Oichi feel like a supporting character in her own movie, and she is almost entirely absent from action in the middle portion.

    By the time she rides to the rescue…yes, I said “rides”, her previously unmentioned equestrian skills being hand-waved away with “the horse knows where it’s going”…the film is pretty much dead in the water. The final battle does mark another step up in scale, with Matsuyama’s skills again clearly improved, and the quantity of enemies dispatched again setting a high-water mark, even if Gennosuke gets to take out almost as many as Oichi, and the way in which the villainous henchman suddenly switches sides is laughable. In marked contrast to its two predecessors, this does have a proper ending, tying up the loose threads in a satisfying, if conventional, way. It isn’t enough to rescue the day, with interest having succumbed at a disturbingly early point.

    In its incarnation as Samurai Woman (left), I believe this was the only installment to see a release in the UK. When first seen, over a decade ago, it was unimpressive, and it remains weak, particularly when viewed from an action heroine perspective. But even in general terms, it’s a poor piece of cinematic storytelling.

    Dir: Hirokazu Ichimura
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Goro Ibuki, Kiyoko Inoue, Asahi Kurizuka
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Midare Gasa

    Continue reading →
  • Crimson Bat: Wanted, Dead or Alive

    ★★★½

    Director Ichimura returned for the fourth episode, and despite similar problems as the third installment – most obviously, an apparent doubt that Oichi’s character can hold the viewer’s interest by herself – makes a much better stab at things here. Bounty-hunter Oichi finds out what life is like on the other side of the law, after she helps rescue an unwilling bride from a local magistrate; he slaps a 100 gold-piece reward on her head, which naturally, brings other bounty-hunters on her trail, led by Sankuro (Meguro).

    She ends up in a fishing village, where the “evil property developer” subplot makes a surprising appearance, despite the historical era. The reconstruction of the harbour threatens to put the locals out of work, but a plot is afoot among the local authorities to pay them only one gold piece each in compensation, rather than the 15 gold pieces actually provided by the federal government. Residents, officials, bounty-hunters and Oichi all inevitably collide, including one character played by Tetsuro Tamba, who remains even now one of the most respected (and prolific – the IMDB lists 193 films for him!) actors in Japanese cinema.

    There’s a lot of devious double-crossing and deception here, which is okay to watch, but isn’t really the reason we watch these things. And that it also turns out to be Sankuro’s birthplace is too much of a fluke to swallow. Fortunately, it all builds nicely to an extended finale, where our heroine (now also framed for the murder of a village elder) gets a chance to take out her aggression and resentment on all those who have turned her life into that of a hunted animal. It’s a great urban battle, through the town which is being demolished around her, in and out of buildings until she finally confronts the chief villain of the piece.

    Though this was the last entry in the series, there isn’t much sense of closure at the end, with (and I trust I’m not really spoiling this for anyone) Oichi merely walking off into the sunset, alone again, naturally. One senses Shochiku were hoping to continue, but for whatever reason – most likely box-office success, or rather, the lack thereof – it never materialised. However, for a series from the 60’s, it was undeniably ahead of its time, and most of the films have survived the passage of three and a half decades in an impressive style. If any enterprising DVD company were to snap them up, the rewards would likely be significant.

    Dir: Hirokazu Ichimura
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Yuki Meguro, Tetsuro Tanaba, Reiko Oshida
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Inochi Moraimasu

    Continue reading →

Duel in the Desert: the aftermath

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The communiques below were written by the two sides which took part in a somewhat abortive roller derby match in November 2004 at Glendale Arena. For a report on the game, please see here – you’d really be better off reading that first!

Alotta Trouble’s response

Alotta whizzes past a fallen T-bird [Photo courtesy Wayne Kuban] Okay, so here’s what REALLY happened. Sorry I took so long. As you can imagine, I’ve not had much time to sit at my desk lately. Also, this is a very long letter, but I promise, it contains tons of interesting information.

For the last few months, the Landsharks and I have been training hard. We’ve been waking up at obscene hours and staying late nights training for a bout we hoped and expected to be a tough match. Over these past months, our team became a very close, tight knit, cohesive unit. We are all in the best shape of our lives. We cross trained at skate parks, in rinks, on our track, in the gym, and any other way we could think of (Camelback Mountain, swimming, you name it). Dave Martinez came out from California to work with us on tricks,stunts and how to correctly skate the track. We really stuck together and created a wonderful thing.

Meanwhile, back at the office, we were in full production of our event at the Glendale Arena. **Side note: Originally, we were going to have the bout at the Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the State Fairgrounds, but Glendale made us a smokin’ offer we couldn’t refuse. And who wouldn’t rather play in such a fancy house?

In almost daily conversations with TBird manager, Tim Olague, I was assured that the TBirds would be tough competition and threatened that we would most likely loose. From the beginning, I was frank and clear about the new style of Roller Derby we play. (Which is ironically more like the earliest versions of the game, before it was staged.) I made sure that Tim knew how we play.

** For those who don’t know much about new school Rollergirls, our game is played for real. We do not choreograph or plan a winner. We play tough, fast and hard. We keep our fighting to a minimum and do not pull cheap shots like tripping, hair pulling, punching, etc. Our game is a sport. We train like athletes. We use body and hip checking combined with skillful jumps, turns, whips and other moves. Our bouts are full on athletic competitions between tough, sexy women who take their game seriously.

So, for the past few months, Tim has been telling me that the “TBirds New Line-up” played in our vein. He said that they practiced together 3-4 times a week on Lou Sanchez’s banked track and later on their own banked track in their own training facility that was equipped with T.V. cameras and all kinds of multimedia equipment. He told me that they had new uniforms and a street team who were out all the time at events and getting press. Tim told me that he had all kinds of pictures and footage that I could use to add to our marketing…funny, no matter how many times I asked, he never produced. He promised me that with his connections to the Hispanic media, his girls would do interviews and appearances for the Hispanic community (who historically love Roller Derby). Tim told me that he had an Arizona Gaminglicensee and would place ads with the Native American Casinos and send his street team to pump them up. But most importantly, he assured me that the new TBirds were playing the Rollergirl game. In fact, he said that some of his girls were also Derby Dolls. NOTHING TIM OLAGUE SAID WAS TRUE. And because of his negligence, some very nice girls and women were unwittingly placed in a very dangerous situation.

Game day: The TBirds arrive at the Arena hours after we do and take the track for a work-out. Of course, we were up in the stands spying on them. L.A.’s posse consisted of 5 veterans over the age of 40 who had only played the staged version of the game. They also had 3 rookies who were teen-agers from the local skating rink. They also brought some of the rink’s jam/rhythm skating dudes along for color. They did not look like much competition, but the younger skaters were talking so much smack about their “incredible speed” that we went with it.

As the day went on, I got to talk to some of the teen-agers. They were nice kids. They told me that they had practiced together a few times, maybe 6 or 7 on the flat rink. Only Robyn Foster had been on the banked track and only a few times. They told me that they had never practiced all together as a team with the veterans. They said that Tim Olague had promised them a resort hotel and SUV’s to go around town in as well as new skates and new wheels. He told them they would be eating out in nice restaurants and get all kinds of cash. Needless to say, Tim came through with none of these promises. In fact, he had told the teen-agers that this would be a fixed game and not to worry.

Just before the game, I got together with Vicki McEwan, TBird Capt., Veteran Ref Don Lastra, New local Ref Mike Edwards and Tim Olague to discuss rules. We went over the basics… which are pretty universal and agreed that this would be a competitive game with no pre-determined winner. However, Mike, Don and I were all under the impression that Tim had filled Vicki and all the other vets in on our new, evolved style. He had not. Tim told them that we were playing their style minus the pre-determined winner.

Game time: Go Go Liz went out on the first jam. Well, we all know she is “the fastest derby girl in the west”. It was immediately evident that the TBirds were out gunned. After 90 seconds, they were winded and had trouble lining up for the 2nd jam within our allotted 7 seconds. Mayhemily went out on the second jam and was sacked by Stephanie Garcia who proceeded to pull Mayhemily kicking and screaming across the track on the floor by the hair. The refs and several Sharks worked at pulling Garcia off her and when they finally managed to, Garcia clutched a handful of Mayhemily’s hair. I took the 3rd jam. During this jam, I was put in a head-lock by 2 TBirds (I think one of them was Garcia) at the same time. Garcia also grabbed my dress at the neck line and pulled along as I skated. As the first period went on, I was kicked in the back of the knees, my hair and uniform pulled and my arms and legs were grabbed. The TBirds turned almost every jam into a totally stupid looking fake fight. Meanwhile, they were becoming so winded that they could barely line up between jams. By the 2nd period, the out of shape TBirds were taking their seats as much as they could. It was like all they knew how to do was taunt and cause fights.

Half Time: We were informed that the TBirds would not be returning for the 2nd 1/2. My husband Patrick (who built and owns our track) and I along with the refs went to the TBird dressing room to try to keep the game going. They accused us of committing all the fouls that they were so outrageously committing. The young girls said there was no way they would come back and get beat up. Sooooo, I went back out on the floor and challenged the dudes! Supposedly, the male entourage were all skaters, so bring ’em on! Well, that was a no go, they didn’t want to get spanked either.

Finally, the older women agreed to come out and finish what was left of the game. We all know the final score. There were about 1000 people in attendance, no thanks to the rain. We had over 100 people at the meet and greet and were lucky to make tons of new Derby fans. The crowd response was tremendous! We are only sorry that it was at the expense of some very nice people who, in his greed and negligence, Tim Olague really took advantage of.

The next day: Go Go Liz and I flew to California with Ref Don and Dave Martinez to play the Ralphie Valladarez game with the old schoolers. I was put on the Texas Outlaws and Go Go on the L.A. Stars. Ironically, my team Capt. was Stephanie Garcia. Several of the women who had played in AZ the night before were playing this game as well. Go Go and I went into it with the attitude that we were going to learn THEIR game. We were going to do what they told us to and just have fun. My team was AWESOME! They let me jam a whole bunch and get involved in lots of choreography. Sadly, Go Go’s team was not so cool to her. She was treated like an outsider and spoken down to. By the end, I was having a great time and she was fed up and bored. Really, we wanted to play with the men. Their game was much cooler than the womens’.(More than one Californian also told me that Tim was claiming our track belonged to him.)

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I still don’t feel like I even got a work-out. While both games were fun, it is evident that Roller Derby will not be held back. Young, strong athletes have risen to the occasion and evolved a game that has been stuck. Held back by the constraints of choreography. Performed by clowns. It’s time to move on…I can’t wait to play more Landsharks games with REAL competition. Somebody, please, come knock my ass down!

Feel free to send me any questions. I sure have learned a lot in the past few months. Believe me, this story could go on and on. I know one thing though, I love Roller Derby in all its forms and will SUPPORT ALL LEAGUES!

Sincerely,
Alotta Trouble
PHX Landsharks #911

P.S. Martines…thanks for all your help and encouragement. You are the man!

But wait! There’s more! The T-birds who were the visiting team then issued this press release…

An Official Response From The LA T-BIRDS

The LA T-BIRDS lodged a protest with Patrick Sheehan, the AZ contractor who designed and built the track, after he stormed into the T-BIRDS locker room full of half-clad women and stated, verbatim: “I put 80 (explicate) thousand dollars into this game and I will tell Celeste Cooper she cannot (explicate) cheat!”

Celeste Cooper then skated awkwardly (her natural, duck-like style) into the locker room and her “boyfriend” Patrick yelled at her (According to Patrick, Celeste is “only” is “girfriend” and not his wife, a comment he made to the beautiful T-BIRDS women after the game). Patrick told Celeste Cooper, “Celeste, I know now that you can’t (explicate) cheat!”

Thereafter, Tim Olague, spoke through the public address system, which was videotaped. Under the condition of protest and with the understanding that the Landsharks would stop cheating, the T-BIRDS agreed to skate the second-half under protest against Celeste Cooper, the promoter of the event, whose name is on the contract she signed with the T-BIRDS.

Recognizing that there is no official governing body which oversees inter league games, we may likely see the courts hosting some more bouts between these two teams. In addition, criminal assault charges may result out of outright unsportswomen-like criminal attacks by Celeste Cooper’s hired hands, her so-called AZ Landsharks team. After all, the NHL endorses criminal assault charges when one player ‘blindsides’ another, hits them with a stick, or God-forbid, strikes an opponent with a skate.

As for the game, first and foremost, the Landsharks did not skate by their own rules. Several witnesses who were at the so-called game had to endure a repetitive and silly video explaining the rules of the AZ Landsharks, not Roller Derby. According, to the Landsharks’ own rules, as demonstrated in the video, several obvious unnecessary roughness-type tactics, outright assaults, would not be tolerated. In addition, Celeste Cooper provided the T-BIRDS with a list of the AZ rules, which Landsharks completely ignored during the first half.

In fact, the video tape of the game, which Celeste Cooper is contractually obligated to produce, unedited, to the T-BIRDS organization, shows such assaults as pushing from behind, skating across the infield to ‘blind side’ a T-BIRDS skater, and kicking downed opponents in the head with a roller skate. To protect their personal safety, the T-BIRDS women elected to skate under protest in the first half by “allowing” Celeste Cooper’s team to skate past them. After all, there were children in the crowd whose parents told them they were going to see a Roller Derby game, not “ultimate fighting,” which is illegal in AZ. So the video will indeed be telling.

Additionally, the predominately T-BIRDS fans at the game (who couldn’t resist the traditional chant, “T-BIRDS, T-BIRDS”) spoke with their favorite T-BIRDS skaters during half-time, both in person and through cel-phones, proclaiming, “These AZ women do not know how to skate, when they fall down, they kick you with their skates, and when your not looking, they ‘blind-side’ you. This is not Roller Derby. Celeste Cooper skates like an awkward monkey.” [Note: I was at the game, and can state categorically, and without doubt, that the fans were not “predominately T-BIRDS”. Knowing this for a fact, severely damages the T-Birds’ credibility, with regard to their report of other events.]

Second, the track itself was unfinished. Indeed, at this very moment, Celeste Cooper, perhaps knowing that the man who denies her existence as his wife, permitted her skaters to use roller rink “toe-stomps.” Much of the video will show, T-BIRDS women skating on a NEGLIGENTLY designed track upon which Celeste Cooper contractees have to use their toe-stomps, since the track was way-too slippery for Roller Derby.

And that Rope for a rail? Again the videos exist, so do the many photographs, taken by T-BIRDS personnel. Patrick Sheehan is now convinced that he NEGLIGENTLY designed a dangerous track and contributed to the many injuries which will soon be made public. That’s why the man that denies Celeste Cooper’s existence as his wife has decided to “upgrade” his track and provide wooden rails, as opposed to ropes. The AZ Landsharks also had a move called, “rope her,” a haughtingly throwback to the days of lynching.

Robyn Foster, Denise Green and Pam Schwab were told by Patrick Sheehan that Celeste Cooper is not his wife. In other words, he totally denied his existence as a husband to a woman that the fans proclaim, skates like a “Chimp.” No doubt Patrick Sheehan is ashamed of Celeste Cooper and, moreover, was trying to “pickup” on T-BIRDS women.

As ultimate liars, the Landsharks had a chance to be honest just today. Tim Olague personally called Patrick Sheehan to advise him that he is aware of his “girlfriend’s Celeste” slanderous and libelous “spin” on the game. Tim Olague told Patrick Sheehan that the T-BIRDS spin would reflect reality, and that controversy is good for the game resulting in ticket sales.

However, when asked about the tape contractually agreed upon, which will show the UNPROFESSIONAL and NEGLIGENT skating of a bunch of stocky chicks that look unattractive in mini-dresses, Patrick Sheehan claimed Celeste Cooper owed money and she did not have a tape. Both the Glendale Arena and the TV crew at the game agree that Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper received a copy of the tape the night of the game.

Under contract to receive the unedited version of the tape, Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper, “friends” in Patrick’s eyes, “spouses” in Celeste’s, have undeniably elected to stomp like chimps and other ground-foraging creatures about the madness. The T-BIRDS predict, that Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper shall never produce a tape because they know their team violated their own rules and are “True Losers.”

So when the bout resumes in the courtroom, we’ll hear more about Breach of Contract, Negligence, and Criminal Assault, not to mention Libel, Slander, and Tortious Interference with a Contract. The T-BIRDS record in a Federal Courtroom is well-known. Since the Celeste Cooper resides in AZ and she has engaged in interstate tortious activities, she’ll likely be summoned in accordance with Federal Jurisdiction.

Duel in the Desert

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Typical. Wait ages for one roller-derby league, then two start up almost after each other. Back in June, we wrote about AZ Roller Derby, but a schism arose almost immediately, disenchanted skaters breaking off into the Renegade Rollergirls. A third group also peeled off in another direction. The reasons are not relevant: here, we don’t take sides, especially if it increases our opportunities for femayhem. Regardless, almost-certainly-not-coincidence, two of these three had their first interstate bouts within a week of each other. [While some Renegade Rollergirls took part in the second of these, it wasn’t run by them – their debut is currently scheduled for January] Here’s a comparison shoppers’ guide to events…

November 6th, Surfside Skateland, Tempe. The original federation got their skates on first, sending out an all-star team selected from the home players, called the Tent City Terrors – the name is a tongue-in-cheek tribute to local sheriff Joe Arpaio, who is nationally known…either for being tough on criminals or an incompetent publicity-whore who relies on gimmicks, depending on your viewpoint. Their opponents were the Texas Rollergirls, a group who split off last year from BGGW/TXRD; they came to take on the Phoenix ladies on Saturday, then were going down to Tucson for a match again a southern Arizona all-star team on Sunday.

The venue for the first bout was Surfside Skateland, a place with both benefits and limitations: you can get very close to the action, but it’s not designed for spectator sports, and the only seating was three rows of folding chairs at each end of the rink. If you didn’t get there early, audience members either have to stand or sit on the floor down in front. And if you opt for the latter, you might end up with a roller-derby girl flying into your lap – I leave it to the reader to decide whether this is good! On the definite-plus side, concessions are cheap: a bottle of water is only a buck, where they were also offering $2 beers. However, I didn’t bother, since with it being an all-ages show and a small venue, you can’t take your beer back to your seat, but have to drink it in the designated area. Of the two MC’s providing colour commentary and announcements, one seemed to think that the louder he bellowed into the mic, the better it was: he was wrong. We were far from the only people cramming fingers into our ears and wishing for a high-velocity rifle.

This match consisted of three 20-minute periods, with bands providing entertainment during the intermision. I’m aware of AZRD’s origins on azpunk.com, and roller derby’s close ties to the music scene (which appear almost compulsory nationwide). But it still feels like a clumsy mix, and few people seemed the slightest bit concerned when a power outage brought the second set to a premature close. There was also a half-time raffle for sponsors’ goody-bags – the same guy won about three, making for a good investment!

As for the game itself…we got our butts kicked. The visiting girls were simply faster and tougher, as well as more experienced (roller derby in Texas dates back to TXRD’s creation in 2001), and this disparity was painfully clear from about five minutes in. The first brawl saw AZ captain Ivanna Spankin left looking for the number of the truck that just hit her, and by the end of twenty minutes, Arizona was behind 42-18. This huge lead rendered the rest of the contest almost irrelevant: the two other periods were closer, but by the end, Texas had racked up a three-figure point tally too large for the scoreboard to handle, winning 102-60.

This was a little embarrassing, especially since cameras from the Game Show Network were there to capture the event. However, it’s about par for Phoenix: last season, our baseball, hockey, NFL and basketball teams all ended up near-last in their leagues, so we’re getting pretty used to defeat here. :-( [The Texas team then went down to Tucson, and did a number on them too, 110-70] We were left hoping for a better showing two weeks down the line, when our local heroines were flying out to Austin, to take on the Lone Star ladies on their home turf, but still had an enjoyable evening.

November 12th, Glendale Arena. The following Friday, the Phoenix Landsharks took on the LA Thunderbirds at Glendale Arena. Originally built as a home for the Phoenix Coyotes ice-hockey team, this cost $180m and seats up to 18,000. However, with the current NHL lockout, there are suddenly a lot of blank dates to fill. Hence the unexpected presence of roller derby, with advance predictions of up to 5,000 in attendance – which I have to say, seemed more than a little optimistic.

We got tickets through a contact at the Coyotes (thanks, Marissa!) for $15; if we’d gone through Ticketbastard, and paid the “building facility charge”, “convenience charges” and “order processing fee”, a single ticket would have been $26.40. We battled our way across town, through both rush-hour traffic and torrential rain, and saw the arena rising up in the middle of nowhere – while it’ll eventually be the centre of a whole complex, for the moment, it’s a long drive if you want a restaurant. As is, you pay stadium prices ($3.75 for a bottle of water), but can take beer to your seat.

It’s the first time we’ve been there, since we’re not hockey fans – actually, we used to go to Phoenix Mustangs’ games, we’re just not NHL ticket price fans. But I digress. It’s an impressive venue, with good sightlines and plenty of space: we settled in, a few rows from the front with no trouble [the crowd was nearer 500 than 5,000] The first difference from AZRD was obvious: a banked track. As an engineering feat, it certainly beat two strands of ropelights duct-taped to the floor, though I have to say, it looked a little dangerous. The outside barrier was a rope running around pillars (see photo), and that was all there was to prevent a skater flying off, and onto the unyielding concrete floor.

As we waited, promo videos played on the scoreboard, an enormous device hung from the ceiling like a cannon on the Death Star. Bonus points for production values on these films, which explained the rules and introduced the players, as well as promos for their sponsors: Dickies, the Platinum Girlz promotional company, etc. We learned they were calling the venue ‘The Shark Tank’, which is a catchy name, and that the rules were basically the same; the only major difference was there’d be four periods, each of ten 90-second jams, rather than three twenty-minute periods. On the downside, there was no program, and merchandise was limited to one design of T-shirt. One wonders perhaps how quickly this event had been scheduled.

Generally, though: so far, so good. The two teams came out, were introduced to the crowd (Phoenix were missing their captain, Anita Cocktail, with a torn rotator cuff), and battle commenced. Which is where things got weird. For from about two jams in, it was clear that something odd had happened. Any semblance of competitive edge vanished from the LA team quicker than air leaving a burst balloon. Arizona scored four points; then five; then four more. They won the first period 25-3, and the second by an almost equally wide margin; we also saw one thunderous body check which, save for the quick actions of one cameraman, would have propelled a Thunderbird head-first out of the track onto floor. The body language and apathy of the visitors clearly showed they were extremely pissed-off about something. But what?

During the halftime interval, we were entertained by cheerleaders and a display of swordfighting. The latter was kinda lame, but the cheerleading was acrobatic, though for some reason, as they hurled each other fifteen feet in the air above the bare concrete, all I could think of was the sound of necks snapping like twigs. All told, at least it wasn’t mediocre bands, so we’ll take it. The home team came out, and we waited for the LA Thunderbirds to return. And we waited. And waited. Finally, after much to-ing and fro-ing, their captain came out and launched into a tirade complaining about the track being waxed, and unacceptable. This didn’t seem to make much sense – the home team had no obvious problems skating – and I wondered if this was all some carefully worked angle to try and generate some heat. Except, if it was, it made little sense, and wasn’t very well executed.

Finally, after about a 40 minute delay, mutterings from LA about injuries, and amid threats of the whole team being suspended from play for a year, enough Thunderbirds came back to skate a few lacklustre jams, to give the bout some semblance of closure (the final score was round about 66-6). I’ve not had any official explanation, but I subsequently heard that a lot of the LA team were veterans of the old-school of roller derby – we did note they lacked the florid skating names of the Phoenix team – where the action was more choreographed, and were expecting something similar here. When they didn’t get it, they were peeved; if you imagine two combatants, one anticipating a pillow fight, the other a full-contact karate bout, you can get an idea of the situation.

It was rather disappointing – and hence the advantage is clearly with the AZRD, as far as the Phoenix roller derby scene goes. Though I don’t blame the Landsharks themselves for the chaotic events; they handled themselves with dignity and can clearly skate. If the above story is indeed the case, the fault is partly with the Thunderbirds (when AZRD were getting their asses kicked, they tried harder), and partly whoever it was that set the bout up, without ensuring the two sides were playing the same game. I do think, however, that starting at an 18,000 seat arena was a mistake. Selling out a 300-seat venue would have been more effective at generating buzz, and Saturday night’s events may actually have set back roller derby in Phoenix more than they helped.

The above piece probably generated more feedback and interest than any article in gwg.org history. :-) We subsequently received an email from Celeste Cooper (a.k.a. Alotta Trouble, captain of the Landsharks), giving their side of the story, while the T-Birds issued a press release. Here are both. Most bizarrely of all, at the time of writing this footnote – November 22nd – the T-Birds website says they have accepted a Landsharks offer of a rematch in January. This again raises the possibility the whole thing was artificially fabricated to generate ‘heat’ and foment a rivalry. I’m still not convinced this is the case, however – if so, it was one of the most badly-bungled angles I’ve seen in all my years of watching ‘sports entertainment’. 28th November: Alotta Trouble denies any such rematch is scheduled, though the T-Birds website still says otherwise. At this point, I throw up my hands in bemusement, and move on…

Oh, and two weeks later, Texas completed their sweep over Arizona in the Austin matches, beating Tucson 79-38, and Phoenix 72-51.

The Twins Effect II

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★★★
“Film with the trajectory of a ski race; starts off high, goes downhill fast.”

I liked, and enjoyed the original film, and at first, this seems to have a great chance at surpassing it. The opening fight between our two heroines, one (Choi) a slave-trader, the other (Chung) an enforcer for the Empress, is a masterpiece that combines wire-work, CGI and gimmickry – camerawork from Azumi and what looks like a mutant Klingon batleth – to fabulous (if not fully convincing) effect. All this in a mythical kingdom where women rule, and men are reduced to “dumbbells”, while the cast includes both Jackie Chan and Donnie Yen. Even if the connection to the original is tenuous at best, the potential here doesn’t need to be specified.

However, it all goes horribly wrong. Our heroines team up with a pair of jackasses, appropriately named Blockhead (Chen) and Charcoal Head (the talentless Fong, present only because he’s Jackie Chan’s son), and their presence sucks the life from proceedings. One of them – but nobody knows which one – is the ‘Star of Rex’, a future ruler who can defeat the evil empress (Qu Ying) with the aid of the sword, Excalibur. No, really; it must have been on loan from Camelot. As you can imagine, the film proceeds to implode with spectacular speed, a downward spiral that only briefly flattens for a duel between Yen and Chan – the former playing a character called ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’. Oh, hold my aching sides. Even the finale is largely mundane, though the use of an icicle as a weapon by the empress did get our attention.

On the plus side, both Twins put in surprisingly solid performances – Choi, in particular, is much less irritating than before, though remains outshone by Chung. However, they still aren’t enough on their own to sustain a movie, despite the parade of celebrity cameos, especially when co-stars Chen and Fong are woefully short of the mark. With a $10.2 million budget, I just wish they’d spent a few more dollars on the script and some decent actors. Then, it might have lived up to the marvellous first fifteen minutes.

Dir: Patrick Leung, Corey Yuen
Star: Charlene Choi, Gillian Chung, Jaycee Fong, Wilson Chen Bo-Lin

Gun Crazy, Volume 1: The Woman From Nowhere

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★★★½
“Muroga reclaims for Japan, what Clint and Sergio borrowed in the 1960’s.”

If the inspiration for this one wasn’t clear, Goro Yasukawa’s score will soon enlighten you: Sergio Leone. A character with a mysterious past and equally obscure agenda comes into a lawless town, and kicks ass. For The Man With No Name and his horse, read Saki (Yonekura) and her Harley. Given that Leone basically ripped off Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo in A Fistful of Dollars to begin with, the irony is satisfying. She has come to Tsuson – surely a nod to Tucson, less than two hours down the dusty Arizona I-10 from where I write this – to take on Tojo (Tsurumi), the local mob boss, who commits his crimes with impunity from the safety of an American Air Force base. She gets his attention when she interferes with his robbery of a wages truck, and takes the money herself. The two had met previously, though Tojo doesn’t recognise Saki; you’ll probably work out the basic circumstances long before the film reveals them, but it does add a couple of unexpectedly nasty twists of the knife.

The Okinawan setting is interesting, given tension between US forces there and the locals, dating back to a 1995 incident when three servicemen raped a 12-year old girl. Hence, the scene where Yuki demolishes two leering US soldiers has an additional level of resonance for local viewers, and the tolerance of the Americans to a brutal thug on their territory become somewhat more explicable. Yonekura is impressive in her role, and Muroga wisely doesn’t bother to introduce any love interest; the film is barely an hour long, so there just wouldn’t be room. The inevitability of the final Suki-Tojo faceoff is perhaps only exceeded by its ludicrousness – the heroine expands the definition of “unarmed” to include other limbs too. However, for an obviously low-budget work, it’s busily energetic, and rarely slides much below entertaining.

Dir: Atsushi Muroga
Star: Ryoko Yonekura, Shingo Tsurumi, Takeshi Yamato, Takashi Ukaji

Queen Boxer

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★★
“Lee’s skills all but concealed by dreadful release of her debut.”

I have to say, this film would probably merit a higher score given a better presentation. Not only is the GoodTimes DVD barely VHS quality, dubbed and horribly cropped, the dialogue is missing from the right audio. Worst of all, the two tracks are out of sync, meaning that every punch is accompanied by a double sound effect. If there’s a more dreadful DVD in existence, I don’t want to see it: those responsible should suffer the fate depicted in the fabulous poster, shown on the right.

However, one suspects that even under better conditions, large chunks of this would be pretty poor, bordering as it does on the incoherent, with inadequate definition both of plot and characters. Also known as The Avenger, this 1972 film marked Judy Lee’s first film – originally from Taiwan, she was a Peking Opera classmate of Angela Mao. In this, she plays a woman for revenge on the man who killed her brother and gouged his eyes out, and teams up with another guy (Yeung), who is fed up paying protection money to the same villain. They enter the boss’s lair, but he gets shot, and they have to back off – only for her to return, and take them on by herself.

Those two action scenes are both lengthy and pretty good. The lack of directorial inspiration shown here is actually a virtue, since he basically just turns the camera on and off – this is what you need to admire Lee’s skills, which aren’t bad at all. However, up until the last 20 minutes, the only fun is making fun of the film, or listening to the chunks from Shaft and Bond ripped off on the soundtrack. That, and a glorious, deeply satisfying final shot, aren’t enough to save things – but, being honest, few movies could probably survive such godawful treatment.

Dir: Han Wah [according to the DVD sleeve, anyway…]
Star: Judy Lee, Yeung Kwan, Wong Yeuk Ping, Lee Ying

Silverhawk

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★★½
“Comic-book stuff – unfortunately, in the bad sense of the phrase.”

There’s no doubt about the aesthetic they’re aiming for here; heroine with secret identity, sneering evil nemesis, gadgets, etc. Take a Marvel comic from the 60’s, transplant it to the modern Far East, and there you are. Indeed, this period is apparently where SilverHawk originated; unfortunately, the makers failed to learn from similar failures such as The Avengers, The Mod Squad and Wild Wild West, and the results are lacklustre.

The problem here is mostly a script with no idea how to fill the gaps between the fight scenes, succumbing to the nemesis of so many HK films: juvenile humour. Jen is the worst offender, playing a cop out to track down Lulu Wong (Yeoh), a.k.a. SilverHawk, who is so incompetent we’re given no credible reason to believe he’d be put in charge of tea-making, never mind a high-profile investigation. They were in the same orphanage as kids: yes, it’s that kind of script. Inevitably, they team up to go against bad guy Alexander Wolfe (Goss) who wants to control people’s minds using mobile phones – the satirical potential in this idea is, inevitably, never realised. The potential for product placement, on the other hand…Nokia and BMW are the big winners there.

That’d all be okay, if the action was above average. It’s not. While still the best thing here, we actually fell asleep during the climax, and had to rewind once we woke up. There’s little sense of escalation: once you’ve seen the opening battle, that’s pretty much all the movie has to offer, save various gimmicks. Silverhawk battles thugs on bungee cords! [The producers were clearly hoping we’d all forgotten Tomb Raider, which at least made a thin pretense at explaining itself there] Thugs on roller-blades! Wolfe is clearly not short of imagination – except when it comes to giving his henchmen firearms, naturally.

It’s great to see Yeoh, now in her forties, still do a motorcycle jump across the Great Wall. However, things like the clunky mix of languages cripple this, and the result definitely won’t help Yeoh’s career. After Tomorrow Never Dies and Crouching Tiger, the world was at her feet, but projects such as The Touch and this one have proved very disappointing. Her talent remains clear; her judgement, on the other hand, is clearly very questionable.

Dir: Jingle Ma
Star: Michelle Yeoh, Richie Jen, Luke Goss, Brandon Chang