Category: Review

Queen of Cocaine (2023)

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★★★★
“Just the facts, ma’am.”

We’ve written about Griselda Blanco before. In particular, we reviewed telenovela La Viuda Negra, which was loosely based on her life and compared it to the facts. We also covered Cocaine Godmother, in which Catherine Zeta-Jones took on the role of Blanco in a bio-more-or-less-pic. She remains a fascinating character, so you won’t be surprised that when I heard about a new documentary concerning her life, it went straight to near the top of my watch-list. I was a little concerned, since it came out as a “Tubi Original”. I’ve been burned by some of these before, and so was expecting a lurid, shallow TMZ-style expose which played fast and loose with the truth. 

To my pleasant surprise, that’s not the case at all. Obviously, there’s a certain allure here, but it doesn’t needlessly glamourize or condemn its subject, and instead manages to do a good job of painting both sides, and depicting Griselda as a surprisingly complex character. This is particularly clear at the end, when her youngest son – named, amusingly, Michael Corleone – says of his mother, “Yes, it’s a legacy of violence. But she was a woman that had to become savage in a world that wasn’t made for her.” Then Detective Diaz, who headed the Miami task force charged with bringing her down, counters, “We have this bitch from hell who decides she wants to be meaner and more powerful than anybody else… Violence. Arrogance. Greed. That is her legacy.” Take your pick!

It covers Blanco’s entire career, from growing up poor in Cartagena, through her (illegal) emigration into America, where she got into the drug business, and built an empire which brought her a fortune estimated (likely conservatively) in hundreds of millions of dollars. With this came enemies on both sides of the law, but Blanco almost seemed to feel she was invulnerable, and continued acting with impunity, until first the authorities and then her foes, eventually caught up with her. They’ve got some very good interview subjects, with Michael in particular standing out. His description of how he witnessed his father being gunned down on a Colombian street is chilling.

Cops, journalists and even other criminals also chip in, and it’s edited skilfully together to tell a complex story with clarity. Another interesting character I’m going to have to look into is Jemeker Thompson-Hairston, the “Queen of crack” who served time alongside Blanco in federal prison. One of the key players in the eighties crack epidemic, she’s now an evangelist, and came over as very well-spoken and thoughtful. I do have to say, something about narrator Elena Hurst’s voice kinda grated on me. Perhaps it was the way she’d apparently adopt an outrageous Spanish accent, any time she said the subject’s name: “Greez-hel-dahh”. Overall though, this manages to be both informative and entertaining, even if it is perhaps helped by having a story it would be difficult to screw up.

Dir: Victoria Duley
Star: Michael Corleone Blanco, Bob Palombo, Raul Diaz, Dr. Amy Shlosberg

Homestead

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★★★
“Home on the (gun-)range”

This one does take a while to reach the necessary threshold: probably only truly qualifies for the final twenty minutes or so, though it does talk a good game until that point. Also, it’s a decent enough combination of Western and home-invasion genres to that point, to pass muster. Nothing special, mind you. It just knows its limitations and is careful enough to work within them. It takes place in the Old West. whee Beth (Bernadette) and her twin children, Brian and Irene (Betsy) now live with her new husband, Robert (Krause). The trio appear to have escaped an abusive relationship, and it’s not long after a railroad surveyor pays a visit, before Irene is cheerfully telling him, she’s going t go back and killer her father some day.

Turns out she doesn’t have to wait that long to carve some notches on her gun-belt. Because the “surveyor” is actually the advance scout for a gang of outlaws. for Robert wasn’t exactly an angel in his previous life either. He was part of a gang led by Ezekiel (Scurlock) and absconded with their loot. This bit of treachery has finally caught up with him, an his old associates are now ready to make him cough up the location of what they consider their rightful, if ill-gotten gains. They arrive one night, taking the family hostage in an effort to use them against Robert. However, they’ve forgotten about Beth, who has clearly had enough of this male nonsense, and in particular. Irene, who embraces wholeheartedly the opportunity to get some practice in for her future paternal reunion.

As mentioned, we do have to take a detour before the distaff side of the family take centre-stage. Robert and Brian are more or less useless. The former’s efforts to negotiate with his former pals go about as well as you would expect, and Brian is just no good for anything, especially after getting shot in the leg. This is retaliation for his sister stabbing one of the outlaws in the foot: in hindsight, they would have been much better off shooting Irene, considering she is the one who causes them no end of trouble, the deeper we get into the movie.

Eventually, for different reasons, Robert and Brian are no longer of significance, with first Beth and then Irene, finally getting the chance to show it was a fate mistake to overlook them. It’s a very good example of firearms as an equalizer. In a physical fight, they’d have no chance against men who are clearly much larger and more powerful. However, with a gun in their hand, and a steely resolve to use it in defense of their own survival, then strength is no longer a factor. How things unfold is mostly quite predictable, to be honest, yet is done with a reasonable amount of energy. and helped by performances which all feel like they are on the same page dramatically. All told, the ending justifies the means, I’d say.

Dir: Ehrland Hollingsworth
Star: Betsy Sligh, Jamie Bernadette, Brian Krause, Scot Scurlock

Fear The Night

  By

★★★
“Bows before bros.”

Director LaBute is best known around these parts for his ill-conceived remake of classic horror The Wicker Man, which is generally regarded as spectacularly bad,  and is probably best-known for spawning memes involving Nicolas Cage and bees. So expectations going into this were… not high, shall we say. On that basis, the three-star rating is something of a pleasant surprise, though most of the credit for this should got to its star, rather than the director. Tess (Q) is a veteran of the war in Iraq, who is struggling to reconnect to her two sisters. Rose is getting married, and is nice enough that Tess is willing to attend her bachelorette party at the family cabin, deep in the country. But Beth (Foster) is a straight-up bitch.

So Tess isn’t exactly having a good time. All the giggly gal-pals are not her idea of fun; between that and Beth’s sniping, Tess’s new-found sobriety is on thin ice. Such familial and mental health concerns are quickly rendered irrelevant, by the unexpected arrival of an arrow, right through the middle of one of the guests. Turns out a local group of drug dealers want inside the house, which up until the unexpected arrival of the bridal party, had been being used as a safe place to store their ill-gotten gains. All of a sudden, it’s less about cheeky appetizers, getting tipsy and male strippers, more like a no-holds barred fight to try and survive the night.

This isn’t exactly subtle: LaBute seems fairly obsessed with the battle between the sexes (something certainly an element of The Wicker Man), though here it’s more of an all-out war. Fortunately for the fairer sex: Tess is far and away the most competent of anyone here. This is established in an early, nice scene at a gas station where the women are being hassled by three locals. While Tess doesn’t exactly de-escalate the situation, it does a good job of establishing her background, and zero tolerance for anyone who disrespects her or the military. Of course, being Maggie Q, it’s no surprise when she can deliver, despite being severely outweighed by her opponents, in a crisp, crunchy manner that does not mess around.

Less effective are… Well, everyone else, to be honest. The villains, in particular, are a fairly mediocre bunch, who go down surprisingly easy, even when they end up going hand-to-hand with a bridesmaid rather than an annoyed veteran. For example, Mia (Crovatin) is chosen to try to make a break for a nearby house for help, having been a track athlete as school. When cornered by one of the men, the resulting bludgeoning is delivered from her end. Outside of their bows, the limited threat they present here definitely stops this from being all it can be, and the ending is more of a damp squid [on review, I’m letting that typo stand…] than Tess deserves to get. But Q is entertaining as ever, and helps overcome what sometimes feel like unnecessary attempts at social commentary.

Dir: Neil LaBute
Star: Maggie Q, Kat Foster, Travis Hammer, Gia Crovatin 

I am Rage

  By

★★★½
“Better living through abuse?”

By coincidence, I watched this not longer after the not very good Hunt Club, which covers a not dissimilar topic of women being hunted for sport. This, however, does considerably better with the concept, though it does take a while to get to that point. It begins with Erin (Bendz) going with her boyfriend, Adam (Nelson), to meet his parents for the first time. Also there is his brother and his new girlfriend, Sarah (Whillans). A few ignored red flags and a glass of drugged wine later, the two girls wake to discover themselves the latest in a long line of unwilling blood donors, ready to have their juices extracted and sold to the rich as rejuvenating formula.

And it works, too, as is proven by ageless matriarch Margret (Svetek). However, what the family don’t realize, is Erin is not the helpless victim they wanted. She had been abducted while very young, and subjected to years of horrific treatment, before escaping, brutally killing her kidnappers in the process. So this isn’t her first rodeo, and she’s not happy about it. Inexplicably – and this definitely had me rolling my eyes – Margret does not simply kill Erin, even after becoming fully aware of the threat posed, opting to make her one of the “rabbits” for the hunt. Later, Margret again has the jump on Erin, but opts instead for the old hand-to-hand combat thing. Guess how that works out for her?

Yeah, the story has issues. Such as this supposedly being set in Scotland (and it was indeed filmed there), where the family settled in the 19th century. Yet there’s no Scottish accents to be heard. I’m personally offended. To be honest, the basic concept sounds like some crazy conspiracy theory; if Margret had shape-shifted into a lizard person, I probably would not have been surprised. The notion of Erin being a ticking time-bomb reminded me a bit of Jolt, and its “intermittent explosive disorder”, though some more background might have helped. Perhaps Eric could have escaped from a psychiatric facility? It’s hard to imagine someone who committed multiple murders, even given the circumstances, simply being given a lollipop and released back into the community, with a pat on the head.

Fortunately, this kind of thing never relies on the story. We’re here for the carnage, and the film doesn’t hold back there, with only occasionally unconvincing CGI blood squibbing. The rest is full-on practical, with the heroine ending up wearing a full crimson mask – and it’s not her own blood. Most of the action choreography is solid, though there a few shots where the distances don’t quite match. But it’s nicely terse, with the highlight likely the fight between Erin and Margret in a disused churchyard. There’s some overlap of personnel with Army of One, yet this is notably better. Or, at least, notably more fun, and I’ll happily settle for entertaining nonsense over plain nonsense, any day.

Dir: David Ryan Keith
Star: Hannaj Bang Bendz, Antonia Whillans, Marta Svetek, Derek Nelson

Saving Karma, by Reid Bracken

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Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

On Amazon, this is subtitled, “A full-throttle Thailand thriller,” but that’s a little bit of a misleading label. The bulk of the story – at least, the bits that matter – actually take place in China. The book itself goes with “A full-throttle thriller throughout Asia,” Except it starts off in the not-exactly Asian setting of San Bernardino, California, where Bree Thomas is just about to graduate. This is despite the problems of her adopted family, who she was sent to live with after her parents were killed in Thailand. She gets a chance to escape it all, in the form of an apprentice program with the Meng Foundation, a charitable group who help refugees around the world.

Of course, it’s not as simple or easy as it seems. The apprenticeship requires an extremely harsh training regime in the Asian jungle, which really puts Bree through the wringer, though she bonds with another recruit, Japanese girl Nikko. When they come out the other side, they begin the work, including liberating people who are basically slave labourers in a Burmese jade mine. They are then given new lives in an isolated city, New Lingyang, which the Meng Foundation has taken over in the heart of China. Except Bree gradually comes to realize that it’s not the charitable endeavour it initially appears, and there’s a very unpleasant underlying agenda at work.

This started out on shaky ground, with the early stages a shallow portrayal of Bree as little more than a victim. However, once the story took her out of the conventional high-school setting, she becomes a more laudable character, and things improve considerably. There are a few elements which did stretch plausibility too far for my tastes. I really cannot see the CIA director getting her hands dirty in quite the way described here, taking part directly in actions which would never pass congressional oversight: “plausible deniability” is an actual thing. And Bree’s method of escape from the final peril… Well, let’s just say my thoughts echoed those of a character who exclaimed, “Are you fucking kidding me?” on seeing it.

If you can get over those hurdles and accept the premise, you’ll find a solid enough story. It really accelerates in the second half, becoming almost non-stop as Bree figures out the truth behind New Lingyang, and goes on a near-suicide mission to stop it. I also appreciated the irony that she is using skills the Meng Foundation taught her, as well as their resources, in order to take them down. The book does end on a revelation that had me going “Eh?” as much as anything: it doesn’t make much sense at this point. This was clearly intended as an opener for a series, but so far, is the only book by the author – the sequel was supposed to be released in “early 2021”. Maybe we should blame COVID. After all, the Chinese authorities aren’t exactly portrayed very favourably here…

Author: Reid Bracken
Publisher: Independently published, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book

Wolf Creek: season one

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★★★★
“The dark side of Crocodile Dundee.”

Here is a confession: I have never seen the acclaimed two Wolf Creek movies (2005 and 2013 – a third movie is planned). The reason was simple: I just didn’t care for ultra-cruel slashers from Australia. After watching this TV-spin off I might revise my opinion and catch up with them; if they are as good as this TV series I definitely want to see them!

So, what’s the story? The American Thorogood family is on holiday in Australia. Unfortunately for them, their young son is swimming in a crocodile-infested lake (who goes swimming in Australia? Don’t we all know their waters are full of deadly animals?). Fortunately for them, Australian animal hunter Mick Taylor (John Jarratt) arrives, right on time, to shoot the crocodile before it can attack the boy. Unfortunately for them, Mick is a psychopathic sadistic serial killer who kills them all before the evening is over, including daughter Eve (Lucy Fry). Or so he thinks, because Eve survives. As she is slowly nursed back to health, and answers the questions of the police, she comes to the realization that the authorities won’t be able or willing to catch the killer.

She decides to hunt Mick herself and take revenge for the death of her family. Eve is originally innocent, and carries feelings of guilt, since her family was only in Australia because she was recovering from drug addiction – she used to be an athlete. She has to learn to get along in a hard, merciless country by herself, and avoid or defeat the criminals, thieves and would-be-rapists there who pose a threat during her journey. Eve is pursued by the police, as she herself has broken the law, and also by a well-meaning policeman who wants to help her. Not to mention Mick who – happily slashing his way through unpopulated areas – has realized that someone is pursuing him and starts to play a cat-and-mouse-game with Eve…

I have to say that this series really surprised me. I had bought it based solely due to the cool cover photo and didn’t expect much more than a probably over-gruesome third-rate slasher, I mean, is Australia really famous for great serial killer psycho thrillers? Though there is the very good Stacy Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis thriller from 1981, Road Games. As a matter of fact, this short (six episodes) series blew me away with its astounding quality. When you read the above, you might be forgiven for getting the impression the whole thing will come across as a bit cheap in its storytelling, or the motivation of its characters – a bit schlocky in general.

But… it isn’t.

The best way I can describe the show is with the word “unpretentious”. That might sound strange. Yes, it is, at its core, a revenge story. And, yes, people are tortured and killed in cruel ways: when someone has an infected hand, you see him cut it off with a saw. But I never got the feeling these scenes were gratuitous or to make the blood-thirsty gorehounds happy. Quite the opposite: things like this are carefully integrated into the narrative of the story, and have a meaning that goes above mere shock value. I would almost call this story, about a serial killer tracking his prey across desert hunting grounds, decent and yes, even tasteful – considering how different this narrative could have been presented.

Most surprising for me was, though big game hunter Mick is always looming in the background, it’s mainly Eve’s story. In the beginning I wasn’t too impressed with her. She seemed like a bland, pale character, just a victim who survived a catastrophe. I was half expecting her to become the usual superwoman, who knows it all and can do everything better than every male – thanks, mister! But the filmmakers were smarter than your average Hollywood screenwriter and producer, who nowadays seem only to be able to create one-dimensional, flawless, conveyor-belt manufactured heroines. Eve does not know it all, she can not do it all alone, and makes mistakes – some really terrible. She fails and learns from it. She falls and has to stand up again. It alone makes the character better than almost 95% of today’s female protagonists in American movies or shows. Kudos for that!

Also, there is a second season, which I have not seen yet (it isn’t available in my home country). Given it has everyone’s favourite killer from Down Under again, but not Eve, I began seriously to worry about her fate. You really start to sympathize with her. Running away from the police in the beginning might be anything but rational, but as the series develops, so does she. You start to understand who she is, and she gets a backstory: she is not a random female character out for revenge anymore. She has these understandable feelings and more than once I thought: “Gosh, this could be going different, girl. You should be working together with the police. There could be common ground if you were not so stuck on the idea that you’ve got to do this all on your own!”

Then there are moments when she realizes herself she is way over her head, fighting insurmountable odds. She gets better at it, slowly, and the point in a way is about self-discovery. It becomes an odyssey for oneself, where the protagonist has to question when reaching the nadir of life: What am I standing for? Why do I do what I do? Is it really worth all that? Could I choose a different life? There are moments that indicate that Eve might give up her hunt. The series repeatedly contrasts her persona with other characters who have lost themselves, who may have been destroyed by this vast open country where you seem to be far from civilization or God.

Eve is repeatedly confronted by these criminals, or wanna-be-rapists who see a normal dressed woman as an offer, and experiences family tragedies that actually form the core of the narrative. She is not without help though. As well as the policeman on her trail who reluctantly starts to cover-up for her, there is a criminal whom she meets in the desert, an old Aborigine who fits into the classic mentor role, a colleague in a bar and she even gets a canine companion. Though the question always lingers while watching the show: Will she get her revenge? What will she do when meeting the man who killed her family? Does she even have a chance against an experienced, sadistic killer like Mick?

So, yes, I applaud Lucy Fry’s performance in the role. Thanks to an excellent script, it made me believe she – albeit slowly- becomes a potential threat to the seasoned serial killer. But also John Jarrat, playing this role for a third time, is incredibly good. Mick Taylor is a nightmare of a character, superficially charming, but essentially a disgusting sleazebag. Though it’s great even he has been given a backstory. While he kills the way other people drink their morning coffee, we get to know enough about him to deduce how he became that way. An episode tells us in flashback about a key event in his childhood that may have been the catalyst for his murderous doings. If this is believable is up to the viewer, I think. I like it they gave him more than the “Well, he’s insane” explanation so many movies and shows tend to give their killers nowadays.

Having Eve faced with what can only be labelled as a devil in human form, touches an even more ambitious question. It’s a theme that classic The Hitcher (C. Thomas Howell and Rutger Hauer) dared to ask. How much of your own humanity do you have to leave behind, to be able to fight the devil? I think it refers to the age-old Nietzsche-ism “If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” I’m not saying how this “psycho thriller” ends, but I really, really recommend this show. Every episode had me glued to my TV, and I got much more enjoyment out of this short Australian TV show than I imagined. Also, I think it’s far superior to your average American product playing in the same genre pool.

I really feel I should get my hands on season 2, even though the main actress won’t be back. Also, I look forward to the third movie – and I wish you happy hunting! 😉

Creator: Greg McLean
Star: Lucy Fry, John Jarratt, Dustin Clare, Jessica Tovey 

Scarlett Cross: Agents of D.E.A.T.H

  By

★★
“Hot, Cross buns.”

To be honest, I enjoyed this a good bit more than the rating above would indicate – probably another star or so. But I have a particular tolerance for cinema with rough edges, which I know not everyone will share. This is such an entity. I can’t really recommend it, since most people won’t be able to get past the micro-budget anesthetics, which the film rarely bothers even to try and hide. But I could appreciate the obvious passion that went into this. Put it this way, if I had twenty quid with which to make a movie, it could end up looking something like this. Probably not with such a kick-ass poster though.

I suspect we credit Meadows there, since it seems he did everything else. Specifically, he wrote, directed, shot, edited, produced this and was stunt co-ordinator too. Plus he plays foul-mouthed gangster Danny McQueen. Unlike most such cases, there’s no obvious deficiency in any of these areas. It’s all adequate: if there’s a weakness, I’d say it is the audio, which is especially weak in the fight sequences. “Seventies kung-fu movie” bad. Mind you, the fights themselves occasionally are two people, clearly trying to hit each other’s weapons, rather than the opponent. On the other hand, there are times where things do come together reasonably well. The titular heroine (Clatworthy) looks the part and seems competent enough for a job as an assassin working on behalf of the British government… Or is she?

The story-line beyond that is kinda fractured. It’s described as an anthology, and there do appear to be various “chapters”, which are or more or less loosely connected to Scarlett’s quest for her own identity. And her survival, since it seems that some parties are keen to dispose of her, because that whole “identity” thing poses a potential threat to said parties. There’s a side-plot about a woman who is seeking revenge for all the abuse she suffered at the hands of the church, which does at least give us the immortal line, “No, I’m deadly serious. We’re dealing with a fucking killer nun!” This kind of self-aware sarcasm is likely when this is at its most effective.

This needs to embrace its exploitative elements to a greater degree, though I wonder if the version I saw (on Tubi) was edited. I did read one review which said, it “opens rather salaciously with a truly bizarre, literally titillating, yet oddly engaging fight sequence, not for the children. In fact this movie if rated would probably be an NC:17.” Not the movie I saw. One rather chaste shower scene was about the extend of the mature content, and the violence – lots of digital muzzle-flash – is along the same lines. That CGI does play against the grindhouse aesthetic for which Meadows is definitely aiming, down to the fake film scratches. As a debut, however, this is not without premise, so let’s see where he goes from here.

Dir: Dean Meadows
Star: Kat Clatworthy, Maria Lee Metheringham, Tayah Kansik, Hannah Farmer

Against the Ropes

  By

★★½
“More soap than opera.”

In one of the odder remakes I’ve seen in a while, this is a repurposing of the French 2013 film, Les reines du ring, which translates as “Queens of the Ring”. The core concept is retained, but the location is changed from France to Mexico, and the idea is expanded to a ten-part series. These changes make for a bit of a mixed blessing. Pro wrestling is certainly a more well-established part of the cultural landscape in Mexico, where lucha libre is extremely popular. On the other hand, the multiplication of the running time a factor of about four, leads to the necessary injection of superfluous storylines, which definitely reduced the entertainment value as far as I was concerned. It’s less a wrestling soap-opera, than a soap-opera with wrestling in it.

It begins with Ángela (Sánchez) getting out of jail, after a largely unwarranted six-year sentence for drug possession. While she’s been in jail, daughter Rocío (Santiago) has been living with her grandmother, but has been spending increasing time with her father, Lalo (Jimenez). He runs a local wrestling arena, and his girlfriend is the woman’s champion, Candy Caramelo (Gruber). Rocio has no interest in re-connecting with her mother, and Ángela ends up breaking out the old family business; her long-gone father was a star. She secretly becomes masked wrestler Novia Negra – the Bride in Black – to win back Rocio’s affection. But Candy is not impressed by this new rival, in either the ring or her family life.

If this had been it, I feel things would have been entertaining, though I admit it would have been tough to stretch that plot-line out over eight episodes. The makers prefer to throw in a slew of additional storylines, of varying effectiveness. Ángela seeking for the truth behind the knapsack which got her sent to prison. Rocio’s trouble at school, with bullies and a boy she likes. Hell, even Ángela’s mother gets a subplot in which she finds romance with the owner of the bridal store for whom her daughter works. There are times when it feels like there’s barely a mention of lucha libre over an entire episode. GLOW did a much better job of striking a balance between character development and sports entertainment.

This is a shame, since there are some interesting quirks here. GLOW never pretended wrestling was anything but predetermined. This show firmly keeps “kayfabe” – the illusion that what goes on in the ring is real. I don’t mean that Candy and Ángela are pretending to dislike each other: that’s genuine enough. But the battles between Candy and Novia are not carefully choreographed spectacles of athleticism, they’re presented as “real fights”. I’d love to have seen more exploration of this, and considerably less of Rocio’s pre-teen angst. To be frank, who cares if she has had her first period? I know I didn’t. Wrestling has been described as “soap-opera on steroids.” This show feels in need of an injection of PEDs.

Showrunner: Fernando Sariñana
Star: Caraly Sánchez, Scarlet Gruber, Alisson Santiago, Cuauhtli Jimenez
a.k.a. Contra las cuerdas

Nemesis

  By

★★½
“Two’s company, Tree’s a crowd.”

I was going to go with “Tree’s company” as the tagline, before I realized I’ve actually used that in three separate, forest-set movies. So I decided to adjust it slightly, and what’s above is indeed very apt. There is a cast of three (3) and the entire thing unfolds in the woods. There isn’t a single set or interior shot in the whole film. Indeed, if you’d asked me, I’d have said this had all the hallmarks of a COVID-era project, designed to be shot with a small cast and in a nicely sanitary, outdoor location. Not so, even though Tubi dates it as 2020. There was a screening in April 2019, well before anyone had heard of Wuhan, and the IMDb gives it a year of 2017.

McKenzie Montero (Villegas) is a bounty hunter transporting a fugitive she has captured back to civilization. Her car is involved in an crash, and her captive, murderer Noah Burnham (Wilder), escapes into the expanse of woods by the road. McKenzie goes in pursuit, but ends up having to babysit the driver of the other car, Abigail Stroud (Slattery), who professes to be concerned about McKenzie’s health after the accident. Except, almost none of the preceding statements are 100% accurate. In particular, we learn that Abigail is actually an accomplice of Noah – albeit somewhat reluctantly – and her motives obviously do not line up with those of her new friend. McKenzie, meanwhile, is desperate to get the reward Noah represents, and will not let anyone get in the way.

Given the constraints under which its operating, this is not a terrible time-passer. However, I can’t say that the various twists ever came as quite the shock the writer seemed to think. It felt obvious from the start that Abigail was not the innocent driver she claimed to be, and the way the relationship between her and McKenzie went from zero to BFFs, confiding secrets, seemed a tad forced. On the other hand, I’d like to have learned more about some elements, such as Noah’s claim to be an officially sanctioned serial killer, working for the US government. As is, this seems inserted as a rather crude way to leave the viewer uncertain of who the “good guy/gal” is, given McKenzie is not exactly law-enforcement herself.

As such, you will soon realize there are no real heroes here, with each of the trio clearly intent on manipulating the other two, to their respective ends. For instance, Abigail and Noah need McKenzie, because she’s the only one who can get them out of the woods. Watching this mental chess game unfold, in between bouts of adequately-staged physical confrontation, is when the movie is at its most entertaining. I was never sure until the very end who was going to be able to walk away by the time everything was decided. The problem was, though, that when the final credits rolled, I realized that I did not particularly care about anybody’s fate either.

Dir: Carl Joglar
Star: Colleen Slattery, Sarah Villegas, Nicholas Wilder

Stowaway

  By

★½
“Doesn’t hold water.”

I had quite forgotten that Rose was part of John Wick: Chapter 2 in 2017. That should have been a gilt-edged opportunity on which she could have built over the following years to become a top action actress. But she managed to squander the chance, getting herself fired from Batwoman, and then making a series of largely unimpressive vehicles, which came and went without any impact. Perhaps it’s a symptom of insanity, in the sense of repeating the same action, hoping for a different result, but we keep reviewing them here. The Doorman, Vanquish and now this, which is certainly not going to rejuvenate anything. Its sole point of note is more or less it being a home invasion movie, which is set on a ship.

The heroine is Bella (Rose), who gets a call out of the blue, informing her that her long-estranged father has died, and left her a boat. This isn’t any boat either. It’s a $10 million, ocean-going yacht, much to her astonishment. Taking advantage of it, she crashes out on it one night. The next morning, she awakens to find it heading out to sea, the craft having been hijacked by her late father’s former associate, Meeser (Grillo), and his two henchmen. They are intent on breaking into the safe on board, which they believe contains $80 million in gold. Bella’s presence on the boat is just as unexpected to them, as they are to her, and threatens to pose a major problem in their plan to crack the safe and scuttle the ship.

This really does the bare minimum in just about every area. The villains are the Leader, the Psycho and the Nice One, while the only surprising thing about Bella is that she finds someone willing to have a one-night stand on the boat [really, that crew cut does nothing for me]. We get far too much creeping around the boat, though when the heroine does go toe-to-toe with one of these ex-military guys, she’s inexplicably able almost to match them. Though I did laugh at her response when she’s asked where she learned to fight, spitting back “Prisoner Cell Block H,” a joke likely lost on most non-Australian viewers.

It all proceeds in an utterly predictable fashion. Show Bella a picture of your family? You’re dead. Call the coastguard? You get a visit from Capt. Oblivious. The contents of the safe come as a shock only to Meeser and company, and once you’ve seen the explosives intended to scuttle the ship, there are no prizes for guessing things will end in a poorly-rendered and thoroughly unconvincing CGI explosion. Even Grillo, one of the more reliable of B-movie bad guys, isn’t able to do anything to sail this vessel out of the doldrums in which it quickly is becalmed. It begins to look like Rose’s career may be irreparably holed below the waterline, and is certainly sinking fast. I think that’s probably enough nautical metaphors for the time being.

Dir: Declan Whitebloom
Star: Ruby Rose, Frank Grillo, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Luis Da Silva Jr.
a.k.a. The Yacht