Author: Jim McLennan

Billie the Kid

  By

★½
“Sadly, they’re not kid-ding.”

I’m inclined to look kindly on this, because I suspect it was a local production, filmed here in Arizona. While the end credits are silent on the topic, there are enough saguaro cacti about, to make it likely the faux Western town and other locations used, were somewhere near me. I recognize an actor or two as well. Unfortunately, it’s not exactly a film I would hold up as a shining example of quality Arizona cinema. While clearly set in the Old West, the movie is stuffed with anachronisms, from haircuts through a terrible British accent to glasses. It consequently never succeeds in establishing a convincing sense of period. This is a bit of a shame, since the Western horror action heroine isn’t one we see often. 

In this case, it’s vampires which provide the darker elements – though these can daywalk, probably because it’s harder to film at night. A small clan are seeking the location of Drakul, a senior bloodsucker who can grant a blessing to his chosen one. Emphasis on “one”, leading to dissent in the ranks. Meanwhile, the bodies they left behind causes local Sheriff Jack Barton (Prell) to assemble a posse. Included is Billie (Hsu), who was languishing in Barton’s jail, but is allowed out due to her tracking skills. There’s also a Van Helsing type, in the shape of black “British” guy – did I mention the accent? – James Underhill (Monroe), who seems to know a lot about them. One might say a suspicious amount.

A simple approach would have worked better here, pitting cowboys against vampires in a straightforward action adventure. But the film diverts too much time and energy into uninteresting areas. For example, it tries repeatedly to generate romantic tension between Billie and Jack. However, when this relies on lines like, “I’m plenty good – and I’m good at plenty”, it’s a struggle which is more uphill than the side of El Capitan. Similarly, one of the vampires (Conran) has taken up with a prospector (did I mention the haircut?), a thread which occupies running-time and little else. The same goes for Billie’s back story, involving sexual abuse and revenge. Couldn’t she just be a gunslinger without a tragic past?

Things grind to a particular halt in the middle, freeing me up to consider whether or not this was better than the infamous and similarly themed 1966 B-movie, Billy the Kid Versus Dracula. Given John Carradine called the latter the worst of the 343 feature films in which he appeared, the competition is tough. This probably isn’t quite as bad: Hsu does what she can with dialogue which is often spectacularly terrible. But much like its predecessor, this fails badly as a Western, and likely even more so as a horror film. I was left with a greater understanding of precisely why the two genres have largely gone their own way. Though the general ineptness in this production certainly doesn’t help.

Dir: Paul Tomborello
Star: Olivia Hsu, Frank Prell, Zion Monroe, Veronica Conran

The Broken Sword, by Jonathan Posner

  By

Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

I’m not sure I’ve read a book with a 16th-century action heroine before, so the setting here certainly appears a fresh one. Things take place during the reign of King Henry the Eighth of England, when Mary Fox had been brought up alongside her three older brothers. From them she had secretly learned how to wield a sword and ride a horse, among other unladylike skills. But having now reached adulthood, her father is intent on marrying her off, to the particularly repellent Sir Reginald de Courtney. Mary is having none of that, so packs her bags and leaves the family home.

On the road, she saves Sir John Fitzwilliam and his son, Robert, from a brigand. She then agrees to help on their quest, returning a precious heirloom, the titular weapon, to their family home. However, Sir Reginald is not taking the loss of his bride-to-be lightly, and is in pursuit, with the intention to put Mary back under his control. For at this point in history, a woman had very little independence in the eyes of the law, being little more than property, first of her father, and then her husband. I repeat: Mary is having none of that, and most of the book is basically an extended chase, first back to Sir John’s estates, and then continuing, as Mary heads off on her own.

It makes for a breezy romp, one which won’t challenge the reader, yet definitely kept me wanting to read on. I will say, Mary does not exactly seem like she comes from the middle ages, feeling more like a modern gal transplanted back in time. Apart from odd epithets like “God’s wounds”, the dialogue similarly feels largely contemporary. It’s not Shakespeare, put it that way, although to be fair, most films set in the era play similarly fast and loose with historical accuracy in their speech. We also get the “woman pretends to be a man” trope, as often seen in Chinese films, and looking at the cover, it seems about as plausible here. Which would be “not very”!

On the plus side, romance is very heavily back-burnered. While Mary does eventually grow to respect Robert, after initially referring to him in her mind as “Weed,” she decides not to remain with the Fitzwilliams, instead choosing admirably to carve out her own path. This does cause problems, not least her decision to stick around the very same inn, where she had just escaped from Sir Reginald’s clutches. [I’ve rarely come closer to yelling at my Kindle!] But it does also lead to the opportunity which will be covered in the second volume. I suspect more cross-dressing is going to be in her future there, and I have questions about that too, e.g. You want someone to imitate a boy… why use a girl? All criticism aside, the bottom line is: I was entertained by this, and can see myself investing in the sequel down the road. 

Author: Jonathan Posner
Publisher: Winter & Drew Publishing, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
Book 1 of 2 in the Mary Fox Adventures series.

Convoy 48

  By

★★½
“Derailed train of thought.”

I guess this is a slightly different take on the typically heroic stories to come out of Russia concerning their battles against Germany in World War II. Rather than focusing on members of the military, it’s the story of civilians – many with little or no previous experience – who were brought in to keep the railway supply line to Leningrad open. These wee crucial to the city’s survival, as the Nazi blockade threatened to starve the city into submission, being responsible for thee-quarters of the resources going into the city. Naturally, the German forces wanted to cut this off, so subjected the tracks and trains to a relentless bombardment, from artillery, mortars and planes, placing those operating the trains in near-constant danger. 

With a severe shortage of engineers and staff, it’s very much a case of all hands available. Which is how Masha (Tsibizova) and Sonya (Smirnova-Katsagadzhieva), barely out of school, find themselves assigned to the 48th Locomotive Unit, after the most basic of basic training in how to operate a train. This comes courtesy of Georgi (Alekseev), one of the few people around with relevant experience. The otherwise novice crew have to handle dangerous terrain and the ever-present threat of German attack, as they ferry supplies in to the besieged city. Things get murky, when they evacuate orphans out in a Red Cross train: but there are those in the Soviet administration who want to take this opportunity to piggyback on to this, a considerably less humanitarian mission.   

It’s alright, I suppose. But it’s largely predictable, with elements such as the burgeoning romance between Masha and Georgi being straight out of the usual playbook. It’s also so unremittingly heroic as to feel like it might have been a product from the Soviet Ministry of Propaganda, in the later stages of the war. There are a couple of interesting touches: the nearest we get to seeing the enemy is a pilot who bails out when his plane is shot down, and is immediately beaten to death with shovels. Otherwise, the closest to an antagonist is one of the crew who turns out to be a saboteur. It does mean there’s not much sense of direct conflict, with no specific “villain”.

There’s a lot of train stuff here, to the extent that it feels occasionally to border on railway porn. If you are not a train spotter, this could feel overdone, and at a hundred and forty minutes, there feels like a lot of time to fill. Our heroines do get more back-burnered than I would prefer, in favour of their mail colleagues in the second half, though the climactic run, involving the orphan-laden train, requires full commitment from everyone. And, to my complete lack of surprise, no shortage of heroic and ultimate sacrifice. By this point, however, I’d gone beyond my capacity for footage of trains going through the forest, and I’d be lying if I said I cared more than on the most superficial of levels. 

Dir: Fedor Popov
Star: Svetlana Smirnova-Katsagadzhieva, Artem Alekseev, Anastasia Tsibizova, Igor Yasulovich

A Breed Apart

  By

★★½
“Dogged by problems”

I’ve seen a lot of reviews slagging this off as irredeemably bad, and that’s fair comment. Its execution is often lazy to the point of incompetence, and the talents of the cast are largely wasted. And, yet… Was I not entertained? More than I expected, reading those reviews. Oh, sometimes in the wrong way, certainly. But it’s clear the makers were in on the joke. To a certain degree, as with the likes of Sharknado, that critic-proofs it, because it is intended to be stupid and implausible. When you have a dog running around for half the film with a wine-bottle on its muzzle, or canines which can climb trees and ropes… Yeah, it’s clear the creators aren’t letting reality get in the way. 

This is a spiritual sequel to 2006’s The Breed, in which Michelle Rodriguez and her friends land on an island populated by feral attack dogs. Society wasn’t holding its breath for a follow-up, yet here we are. In this version, a film about those events gets abandoned, and 13 years later, influencer Vince Vertura brings five colleagues to the island location to rescue the now thoroughly wild pups. This goes about as well as you would expect, and they quickly start getting turned into doggie chow. Siblings Violet (Curry) and Collins (Steiner), have to try and survive, with the kinda help of Vertura’s personal assistant, Thalia (Gardner), and the other, largely useless, Internet personalities. 

I was hoping for more, based off the poster, and the fact that this re-teams Currey and Gardner, who worked so well together in the awesome Fall. This is not awesome, though I did laugh at the exchange between them:
– What idiots climb up a cellphone tower?
– Someone with a death wish, that’s who.
clearly intended as a knowing reference to their previous film. Oh, and if you are expecting much Hayden Panettiere, given the artwork, you will be disappointed. She shows up at the beginning, then vanishes until the very end. Though she does end up going full Kristi Noem on the dogs, as they besiege the boat on which Violet and Thalia are holed up. [Yeah, I watched a certain South Park episode last night!]

There is some light bow-work from Violet, and it’s certainly a movie that will be appreciated more by cat people, if you know what I mean. You will have to be very tolerant of effects for the dog attacks, which rarely reach the level of anything remotely convincing. Say what you like about The Breed, at least they did use real animals. These are largely bad CGI, and I speak as someone who has seen far too many straight-to-video Chinese films, which set the bar for bad CGI. The Furst’s filmography is littered with movies titled such as Trailer Park Shark or Ghost Shark, and this is not dissimilar. Indeed, at one point a dog falls overboard right into the mouth of a shark. If you don’t find that greatly amusing, this may not be for you.

Dir: The Furst Brothers
Star: Grace Caroline Currey, Virginia Gardner, Riele Downs, Zak Steiner

 

They Call Her Death

  By

★★½
“At no point, does anyone call her death…”

It’s clear what Snell is going for here. This is a throwback to the spaghetti Westerns of the seventies, along with Italian exploitation films from around the same time. I certainly admire the effort which went into this: for example, rather than shooting digitally and applying effects to imitate film, Snell actually shot on Kodak 16mm stock. I did not know that was still a thing, to be honest. Some of the other elements, like the music, also do a good job of reproducing the era – the movie poster is another one. I’ve seen enough of this kind of movie (mostly through Project Kinski), to appreciate what he’s doing.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen enough of this kind of thing, to be able to differentiate the good from the bad, and a fair bit of this skews towards the latter. Molly Pray (Rippel) can only watch as her husband is gunned down in front of her by a bounty-hunter, having been framed for the murder of a lawyer, But she will not accept this, and begins to unravel the threads of the conspiracy, which made Mr. Pray an unwitting victim. And when I say, “unravel”, I mean with extreme, bloody prejudice. She guts some, blows the faces off others, on her way up to the chain to the person pulling the strings at the top. She’s holding a stick of dynamite. We’ll leave it at that. 

If you are looking for a comparison, it would be something along the lines of Hobo With a Shotgun. That’s a film I love dearly, and that might be partly why I’m a little sniffy about this. Because if you compare Hobo to Death, the results do not favour this, almost across the board. Most obviously, while Rippel is decent, she’s barely in the same solar system as Rutger Hauer. The lack of a strong antagonist here is a problem too. Instead, Molly largely chews up one person after another. But because we don’t know much about them – beyond their connection, sometimes tangential, to the death of her husband – there’s a severe lack of emotional impact, even as she’s dismembering them for her pigs to eat. 

Finally, the pacing leaves something to be desired, especially the sections where the focus drifts off Molly, such as to the friendly new deputy, who is generally on her side. Almost any time he was on the screen, I found myself quickly losing interest, and keen for it to go back to the directly focused line of Mully’s vengeance. The reliance on mostly practical effects is laudable, and there are certainly some impressively gory moments of which Lucio Fulci and his ilk would be proud. But too many of the supporting performances feel like they come from people who were available. Given the shoot took several years from start to finish, that may not be much of a stretch. 

Dir: Austin Snell
Star: Sheri Rippel, Jeff Boyer, Devan R. Garcia, Shawn Nyberg

Black Bags

  By

★★½
“Lost luggage.”

The first half of this is better than average, setting up an intriguing scenario that feels as if it might be going somewhere. Unfortunately, the second half manages to go almost nowhere, the hard edge honed to that point being severely blunted. We end in something which feels more appropriate for an “Aren’t All Men Bastards?” marathon on the Lifetime channel. It centres on Tess (Rulin), a pregnant woman returning to her new home in the countryside on the bus – her husband having forbidden her to drive. However, she ends up collecting the wrong suitcase, picking up an identical one belonging to another passenger. When she gets home and opens it, she finds a severed head. Worse, the case’s owner is now at her door.

This is Sara (Vandervoort), a black-gloved killer, who now wants – no, make that requires – Tess’s help to dispose of the evidence. Sara does have the courtesy to explain why she is carrying about a head. Eleven years ago, she’d had an affair with a married man, resulting in a daughter. The child now has leukemia, and she went to ask the father for help. It did not go well. But what’s also clear is that there is a good deal going on, to which we, the audience, are not privy. Tess’s husband seems sketchy from the little we have seen of him, and it gradually also becomes apparent that the switching of bags was no random accident, Tess being very specifically the target. 

It’s during the disposal things start going wrong for the movie. An abandoned factory, I can accept. One with an open vat of bubbling green stuff, perfect for dissolving heads? A little too convenient.  Then, let’s go get pie together! And tell the waitress we literally just got away with murder! It feels quite at odds with the smart person Sara had been – those gloves are there for a reason. The more we find out, the more it feels like the script is shooting itself in the foot, while simultaneously tying itself in knots. Which is quite an achievement, if you think about it. It also drops the twist we’ve been anticipating since the beginning, though your reaction may be more “Huh” then “Wow”.

In the end, the biggest problem may be trying to make Sara sympathetic. Once it’s been established that she flat-out decapitated someone, it’s always going to be a difficult road back, regardless of her motivation (and by throwing not just a child, but a sick one at us there, the script is guilty of trying too hard). It is both more plausible and entertaining when she’s behaving like Villanelle, than when Sara is trying to be the concerned parent. Unfortunately, it’s the latter which becomes heavily weighted as we reach the end, she and Tess eventually seeming to bond over motherhood. A particularly superfluous coda whacks another half-star off the rating, and solidifies the final score as below average. Bit of a shame.

Dir: Josh Brandon
Star: Laura Vandervoort, Olesya Rulin, Ryan Francis, Drew Pollock

Unit 234

  By

★★
“Lock out while you rock out.”

File this synopsis under technically true: “After the shocking discovery of an unconscious man in a locked unit, the lone employee of a remote storage facility must fight to survive the night against a ruthless gang, dead set on retrieving their precious cargo – at any cost.” I guess the word with which I have the most reason to quibble is probably “fight”. For heroine Laurie Saltair (Fugrman) is more from the Brave Sir Robin school of fighting, if you’ve ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. She’s much more inclined to avoid confrontation than seek it out. Which perhaps making sense when facing a larger, better armed and more experienced enemy. But where’s the fun in that?

The man in question is Clayton (Huston), who is on a gurney having been kidnapped from hospital by Jules (Johnson), who is keen to finish the job. What job is that? Well, you find this out towards the end, when Laurie does, and it certainly upends much of what has gone before, to the point you’d be forgiven for annoyance at the film having perhaps wasted your time. What unfolds is, Laurie rescuing Clayton, and they then have to try and escape the storage facility and/or call for help, while Jules and his men hunt them both. Naturally, neither prove exactly successful, and that’s hos the plot unfolds. Mostly through the maze of passages in the facility, with a brief excursion outside for fresh air. 

There’s potential here: imagine a film where the heroine can crack open storage units and use the contents against the villains. This kinda happens here – only in about the dumbest and most implausible way you could imagine. Seriously: of all the things potentially to utilize, this was the way Laurie went? I think it was probably the moment at which the film jumped the shark for me, and it was never able to… I guess, un-jump itself thereafter. I feel a vague sense of loss at this, since the central performance are fine. Fuhrman is an engaging heroine, and Johnson is effective in his role. Weirdly, after non-GWG film Day of Reckoning, it’s the second this week where an ambivalent character coughs up blood. Go figure. 

It also felt like Laurie only became pro-active at the end of the movie, when it was necessary for the plot. When it happened, part of me was relieved it had finally happened – it probably just pushed the film over the line for inclusion on this site. However, there was another part of me that wondered where the hell this had come from, because it simply didn’t fit in with Laurie’s passive approach to that point. I may have been somewhat prejudiced by Fuhrman’s track record in Orphan: First Kill, where she’s more aggressive. This definitely needed a heroine along similar lines, although it’s the script, and its inability to unlock the potential, which feels the biggest weakness. 

Dir: Andy Tennant
Star: Isabelle Fuhrman, Don Johnson, Jack Huston, James DuMont

The Sundance Revenge, by Mike Pace

  By

Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

This takes place in the ski resort of Park City, during the event it’s best known for: the Sundance Film Festival. Beginning with a plummet from a chair lift, the town is plagued by a series of “accidents” – quotes used advisedly. For they are actually the work of a female vigilante calling herself the Sword of Justice, and dedicated to punishing men for their crimes against her gender. On the other side is Belle Bannon, a former Marine, who had anger issues even before going into the military. Now a hunting guide and member of the ski patrol, she is determined to find and stop the killer. 

However, it’s complicated by the fact that the Sword of Justice has close ties to some very unpleasant and dangerous people, involved in the local drug trade, led by Danny Pagano. He does not take kindly to Belle’s investigation, and the closer she gets to the target, the more he feels threatened. It all leads to a plan for a mass chemical attack on the town’s water supply, with the aim of targeting a law-enforcement officer investigating the gang. Belle, along with help from a descendant of The Sundance Kid who now works for the DEA, needs to find a way to stop this, end the Sword of Justice’s vigilante campaign, and survive a final face-off deep underground, in a disused silver mine. 

To get the bad out of the way first, this desperately needs an editor to tidy this up. It feels as if, in the first draft, it was originally written in the first person, but was then changed to the third person. However, the update seems to have been executed sloppily, meaning there are still multiple sentences where the perspective is inconsistent, changing in the same sentence, e.g. “they had the place to ourselves.” Elsewhere, exact sentences get repeated a page or two apart, or we learn Pagano is from Denver, but shortly after that, Belle tells him to head “back to Phoenix.” Normally, I’m oblivious to this kind of thing; this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to mention it, which should give you some idea how prevalent it is.

On the other hand, that I still not only finished it, I was adequately entertained, is a clear positive. You get a good sense of place, and the silver mine is an excellent, spooky location, used more than once. It’s an interesting twist to have an ex-military heroine whose mental problems are not the result of PTSD, and Belle is someone you’ll find it easy to cheer on. I’m not entirely convinced about the logic of poisoning a whole town to nail one person, even if you do try and blame it on an industrial accident. But it does certainly up the stakes, and things are fairly non-stop thereafter. Falls an earnest bit of proof-reading short of a solid recommendation. 

Author: Mike Pace
Publisher: Foundations Book Publishing, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
Book 1 of 3 in the Belle Bannon series.

The Beta Project

  By

★
“Beta, in the other sense of the word.”

I usually strive to find something nice to say about most low-budget action heroine films. Maybe the soundtrack is cool. Or there’s one performance which stands out. But for this one, I’m really struggling. The good here more or less begins and ends with the synopsis, which is also why it’s here: “Four women are recruited into an organization that hunts the supernatural.” Mauser does appear to be on board with our field, and we’ve covered a couple of his films before, most recently the fairly decent Lady Lawman. While flawed, you could overlook the shortcomings if you squinted somewhat. This, however, is a clear step back, and was a real struggle to get through. 

In the scenario that unfolds here, there is indeed an unnamed organization, run by Rose (Nash). The supernatural in question is… Well, it’s basically vampires, and in particular the legendary Lilith (co-director Berkshire). She is supposed to have died centuries ago, but the group discover this is not the case. The decision is made to recruit four women to take on Lilith (who is not the hairy dude shown on the poster). Why does it have to be women, you may be asking. Good question. Pity it’s one the film is completely uninterested in answering. Not that it matters, because the group never really ends up getting recruited either. Instead, there’s just smuggler AJ (Rodriguez), who gets paired with the organization’s accountant (!) and… Well, not very much, either. They go rescue one of AJ’s pals. That’s just about it.

What we have here feels like it could, and should, have been taken care of inside the first ten minutes, instead of playing out at feature length, like a pilot movie for a TV series that nobody wants to watch. It’s full of interminable scenes which deserve to have died a death on the cutting-room floor, like the introduction of AJ and pals, sitting around a restaurant. Or the training scene where AJ and accountant get whacked with sticks a couple of times. The latter is actually pointed out by the characters as useless, in a way that I can only presume was intended to be funny. Guess what? It isn’t, in the slightest. 

This is in part because there’s no real difference between the stick-whacking and the “genuine” action scenes, which are utterly limp and unconvincing. When killed, the vampires “explode” in a shower of sparks, in a way done considerably better by the Buffy TV show, approaching thirty years ago. The performances are generally unconvincing too: Berkshire comes out okay, which may explain why she ends up also playing another recruit, Joy, in addition to the villainess. I kept expecting them to be sisters or something, but… Nope. Like so much else here, it was thoroughly pointless. All the goodwill Mauser picked up for the “can do” attitude of his previous films has been wasted; he’s now on my “approach with caution” list. 

Dir: Brett William Mauser and Dane Berkshire
Star: Cristina Cruz Rodríguez, Dane Berkshire, Katrina Nash, Brett Mauser