Tag: 1999

Cybersix

  By

★★★½
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina…!”

In the 90s, Warner Brothers’ animated Batman series received a lot of praise for its artful animation and style. Not surprisingly, a lot of studios and channels tried to jump on the bandwagon and create their own dark, classy animated show. Disney gave us Gargoyles, French Canal+ did The Legend of Calamity Jane, and the Vancouver-based Network of Animation (NoA) produced this series. It was shown on Teletoon in Canada and – for a short time, though not the entire series – on Fox Kids in America. What is most interesting, is the back story of the show, largely forgotten by almost everyone. Though thanks to people seeing it at the time and remembering it, Cybersix has become a cult show. It may be due to its rarity, since you couldn’t see it for a very long time. It was not available on DVD until fifteen years after its original broadcast – a similar fate to the animated Calamity Jane show.

Cybersix originally started as a black-and-white strip, written for an Italian comic magazine from 1991 to 1999. Interestingly, it was developed by two Argentinian comic book creators, Carlos Trillo (story) and Carlos Meglia, both now deceased (Trillo died in 2011, Meglia in 2008). They grew up in Argentinian comic book subculture during the dictatorship, where comics very much had a subversive, underground status. Very often these hand-made, self-distributed comics were political, and didn’t hold back in their depictions. I’m no expert on Argentinean comic book history, but I imagine nothing like the American Comic Code Authority existed in South America. Voicing critical opinions under such an oppressive regime was probably very dangerous, and the no-holds barred approach comic artists grew up with, remained after the end of the military dictatorship.

Therefore, it’s not too astonishing the Cybersix comic reflected that attitude, with its wild, very often over-the-top depiction of violence, nudity and sexuality. These comics have still never been translated for the English-speaking world: those interested will have to buy them in French, Italian or Spanish. It should be noted that not all of the series are available in all of these languages. Having read one of the volumes in French years ago, my judgement on it was that, story-wise, it is quite a strange and jumbled mess. There are scenes of gratuitous nudity and sex, and though not the main focus, they’re definitely not recommended reading for teenagers. It lacks a clear goal, with the plot often meandering, and scenes lack cohesion. Also, José, the main antagonist in that volume is an annoying and disgusting teen character. It appeared to my – admittedly very European – eyes, as a bit crude and short on narrative focus. It is neither like an American superhero saga, nor the typical Franco-Belgian fun comics, but something of its own. Of course, that is my judgement based on one single volume. Maybe I just picked the one rotten apple!

I would like to stress that these comics are not “violence-porn”, as I would personally categorize TV series like Game of Thrones. But they are definitely for a more adult readership, albeit with a bit of a juvenile mind. The drawings of a city that definitely reflect Argentina, and Cybersix, clothed in black leather while running and jumping from roof to roof with a parachute-sized cloak that would make comic anti-hero Spawn blush with envy, convey a respectable artistic style. Someone compared the comics and their 90s edginess to the works of Frank Miller (Sin City, 300), and it is not a bad fit. Actually, I’d say the drawings are more elegant and beautiful than Miller’s style.

The idea was born when one of the creators read an article about a couple who had invested in storing their own embryos, before dying in a plane crash. This resulted in the Australian government arguing about what should happen to the embryos. In the end they were destroyed, but the artists wondered what would happen if they were stolen instead. An idea took shape, though changes would naturally occur; originally the main character was supposed to be a police officer, not a superhero. The comic must have enjoyed some popularity in Argentina, since it was made into a very short-lived live-action TV series in 1995, but had such low ratings it was cancelled after only a few episodes. It is believed lost, though you can find at least one episode online. It’s not really cause to mourn, since those who did see it, generally agree how bad it was.

Nevertheless, the comic was lucky enough to get another adaptation in 1999. As Canadian producers were looking for something to turn into an animated show, their attention was drawn to this work. The show was animated by Japanese studio TMS-Kyokuichi, making this essentially a Canadian-Japanese co-produced adaptation, of an Italian comic, written and drawn by two Argentinians. What a culture mix! But sometimes a lot of different influences are not detrimental to the final product. A big influence on the story is the historical German connection to Argentina. Back in the 19th century there were already economical, and later ideological, ties between the two countries. These became stronger after WWII, when both Nazis and Jewish Germans fled to Argentina. This history is rarely addressed in the media, but the historical legacy here, influences and is referred to by the comic, and therefore the animated show.

The story itself: In the fictive city of Meridiana lives superheroine Cybersix, an escaped experiment of Nazi scientist Von Reichter (though this is never directly stated in the animated show). Von Reichter has created his own Frankenstein-like creations for… nefarious purposes, I guess. These beings must obey his orders, and he uses them to hunt Cybersix, the last survivor of a failed project. But he never does his own dirty work, instead having his own cruel teen clone, José, execute his orders via his soulless monsters: tall, ugly and dumb men called Fixed Ideas. While she doesn’t enjoy it, Cybersix relies on killing these man-monsters, as she needs their life-force for sustenance. When she kills one, the body vanishes, leaving only a small test tube containing a green liquid that she consumes.

This is different – as are many other things – from the comic, where she sucks the life-force out of the bodies, Dracula-style. I guess this would have caused quite a stir in a show supposedly for a younger audience. By day, she poses as a friendly school teacher under the name of Adrian Seidelman, working with friendly colleague and possible love interest, Lucas. At night she has to fight the schemes of Von Reichter and his cohorts, supported by her “brother” – another experiment, where the mind of a child was transferred into the body of a black panther. Though she is faced with an existential dilemma. She has to stop Von Reichter, but if she kills him, she will lose all further “sustenance” and can never become a normal human. Her success would also mean her death.

Unsurprisingly, the more controversial elements of the comics fell to the wayside – namely the violence, nudity and sex. The comic was no stranger to the depiction of sexual abuse and rape, and featured teen clone José sleeping with women and showing a sadistic streak. In no way would this ever have been allowed in an animated series for a much younger audience. An interesting sidenote is that LGBTQ-groups try nowadays to claim Cybersix as one of their own, calling her “the first transgender superhero”. I personally disagree, though understand where this comes from. A queer audience can interpret the show as a metaphor for their own situation, especially given that in the ’90s, non-heteronormative lifestyles were not part of the public discussion, as happens today ad nauseam and ad infinitum.

I think this idea was fueled by the fact that Cybersix – very much a beautiful female, who in the comics sleeps with Lucas and gives birth to a child – lives her cover identity as a male teacher. The explanation is not given in the animated show but can be found in the comics – which few read due to the language issues discussed above. While on the run, Cybersix found the identity card of one Adrian Seidelman, who looked similar to her and had died in a car crash. It’s a simpler, more logical explanation than declaring her transgender. Though, if people want to see certain narratives they can see them. She falls in love with school colleague Lucas, a biology teacher and reporter – obviously you need two jobs in Meridiana to make a living. He is good friends with her as Adrian, but she doesn’t dare reveal to him her true identity. Cybersix fears she will never find someone who loves her for what she is – a human experiment with superpowers, depending on a green liquid. 

Yes, if you really, really want to, you can find a queer perspective here. But let’s be honest. Isn’t it the same thing Superman/Clark Kent or Batman/Bruce Wayne have done since the dawn of superhero comic books? Also, her Adrian Seidelman persona looks very Clark Kent-ish to me. Though there are several influences in her design. Cybersix’s cape and large hat remind me of classic pulp hero “The Shadow” – but maybe a bit of Carmen Sandiego, too! When she stands on a rooftop overlooking the city, the similarity to images of Batman cannot be denied, and her body costume makes me think of Catwoman.

The show ends on an open note, though nevertheless feels like it achieves some closure. While Von Reichter has been killed by his own monsters, his evil young clone José has survived. At the same time while Cybersix is believed to be dead, Lucas sees a light in her window, indicating that she has survived. Originally, there was a commission for two seasons, but the Canadian and Japanese production studios had different opinions on how to continue the series. The Canadian side wanted it darker, closer to the original comic, while the Japanese side preferred a lighter approach and more humour. Both influences can be found in the show and I dare say that the combination is what makes it appealing for those who like it. I can definitely see a similarity to the Batman animated show. But here, it was a quarrel over the direction the show should take in season two that broke the camel’s back.

It’s a pity, because the potential can be seen and felt throughout the series, though some episodes are weaker than others. Animation-wise the series is well done, and even impressive in the action scenes. Unfortunately, Cybersix was an unknown character, rather than a famous IP like Batman or Superman. So, it’s possible the TV ratings were underwhelming when the show was released. One final point of note: Trillo and Meglio filed a lawsuit against James Cameron – yes, that James Cameron – as they believed his TV show Dark Angel, with Jessica Alba playing a genetically enhanced female super soldier, had plagiarized their show. As they lacked the financial backing to maintain the lawsuit, they had to let it drop. Since both artists are no longer with us, and Cameron will probably not volunteer to talk about this issue, we will never know the truth.

For the show as a whole, I would say it is worth a watch. The basic plot was maybe ahead of its time – but then, considering Dark Angel, maybe not at all that much? The show is entertaining, though it’s mostly a “monster-of-the-week” show, a format at that time already successful in The X-Files. But female superheroes as the main character of an animated show were not common at that time, giving the series a rarity bonus, together with its unusual combination of very different national influences. Overall, it’s a good animated series, and deserves to be rediscovered by a new generation in the same way as Gargoyles or The Legend of Calamity Jane.

Creators: Carlos Meglia and Carlos Trillo
Star (voice): Cathy Weseluck, Michael Dobson, Alex Doduk, Janyse Jaud

First Daughter

  By

★★½
“Secret Service with a smile.”

El Jardinero isn’t the only long-delayed review of a franchise opener. I saw First Shot, the third movie in this series about Secret Service Agent Alex McGregor (Hemingway), back in 2014, and at the time it was the only entry present on Netflix. A decade later, I now get the chance to catch up with the first entry and… it is pretty much what you’d expect. Competent enough for a TV movie, but the limitations of that medium are always going to knee-cap the material. This does begin well enough, with an energetic terrorist attack on a fundraiser for President Jonathan Hayes (Harrison) by members of the American Freedom Fighters – this clearly dates outside the 2001-16 window when domestic terrorism was ignored. 

His life is saved by Alex, but only after she disobeys orders from her boss, which gets her into hot water. Still, a few months later, she is selected to accompany Hayes’s teenage daughter, Jess (Keena), on a wilderness adventure trip. Unfortunately, this drops them right into the Colorado terrain (actually Australia, but who can tell the difference?) where the AFF militia are hiding out. They get the bright idea of kidnapping Jess, so they can exchange her for their leader, captured during the attack mentioned above. Jess is the only agent to survive the initial assault, and so it’s up to her and tour guide Grant Coleman (Savant) to track the terrorists through the forest, and free Jess from their clutches

This is spottily entertaining, and you can probably tell most of the story beats in advance. Jess resents Alex’s presence on the trip, while Alex and Grant get off on the wrong foot – but you just know everyone is going to grow to respect each other by the end of the film. However, it holds together well enough, with decent performances from Hemingway and Savant, who make for a likeable pair. It is front-loaded, with the original attack a nifty piece of bullet-ridden carnage, before the film then goes to sleep on that front. It’s instead busy introducing characters, establishing relationships and making Alex do rock-climbing to prove she’s not a lesbian. Or something like that. My notes are a bit unclear on the point.

It has to be said, despite the presence of WWE’s Diamond Dallas Page among them, the AFF members are very much low-grade terrorists. There’s only three of the left, and I would not say smarts are their strong suit. As threats go, they’re lightweights. It was also a little disappointing how McGregor ends up needing to be rescued in the climax. While it’s an acceptable conclusion, tying up a dangling loose end, it does weaken her as a protagonist. There is some impressive bits of white-water action, and in generally, it feels more like a low-budget theatrical feature than a made for television one: its budget of $5 million certainly feels more than the typical nineties TVM. If my review of the third entry was scathing, I suspect it won’t take another ten years before I review the second.

Dir: Armand Mastroianni
Star: Mariel Hemingway, Doug Savant, Monica Keena, Gregory Harrison

El Jardinero

  By

★★½
“Better late than never”

Well, that only took… twenty-one years. Back in 2003, I watched and reviewed El Jardinero 2, with the help of Chris, because it came on a Mexican DVD with no English subtitles. Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I booted up Tubi the other day, and found its predecessor streaming. No English subs – but there were Spanish ones. Nowadays, Google Translate offers a half-decent ability to convert into English, even if I ended up having to apply a lot of polish to the idiom. At least I didn’t have to bother Chris. Still, here we are, and… Well, it probably wasn’t worth all the effort, to be honest. It is another cheap slice of Mexploitation, with too much talk and not enough action, though like its successor is reasonably entertaining.

It turns out I misspoke in the sequel, when I described Pablo Moreno (L. Reynoso) as the husband of Lilia Gallardo (Herrera). It’s a bit more complex. Lilia returns from abroad to her home town in rural Mexico to discover her father has been murdered by drug dealers. Worse, her mother has taken up with the head of the clan, Adan Moreno. Lilia is unimpressed, and in the resulting fracas, shoots Moreno dead before fleeing. The family kinda blames their rivals, and Mom goes to her grave rather than implicate her daughter, despite brutal treatment at the hands of the gang’s enforcer, Mario Argumedo (Pineda). Dismissing the concern of her godfather, Lilia decides to infiltrate the family, do as much damage as possible and take her revenge.

Vengeance is a long time coming, shall we say. She has to befriend Pablo, posing as an out-of-towner (I guess she must have been abroad for a long time, since he doesn’t recognize her), and using her womanly charms to get an invite to stay on the ranch. She then uses this access to figure out where their poppy fields are located, and recruits her godfather to set them on fire one night. There’s also dissent in the ranks between Pablo and his brother Gabino (H. Reynoso – no clue if the actor is related to his on-screen brother), with the latter unhappy about the influence Lilia is having on his sibling. It doesn’t stop Pablo from inviting her to help out in the family business.

And this is how we eventually get back to where we came in for the sequel, with a gun-battle between the two sides, roughly eighty minutes after the first time we see Lilia shoot Adan. It feels more like a feature-length telenovela, with all that implies. I’d be hard-pushed to call this good, yet it did manage to keep my interest, with things like how the small country towns is basically run by the Moreno cartel, with the police chief utterly in their pocket. None of the locals seem bothered. It’s certainly a bit different, though much as with the sequel, I wish Lilia had been as much of a bad-ass as the cover again implies.

Dir: Enrique Murillo
Star: Lorena Herrera, Salvador Pineda, Luis Reynoso, Héctor Reynoso

Gloria (1999)

  By

★★½
“Gloria, non in excelsis“

Nineteen years after the original, four-time Oscar nominated director Lumet opted to remake Cassavetes’s movie. Though by some accounts, it was more a case of him wanting to work, rather than being particularly attracted to the project. If the results are anything to go by, he should have stayed at home. For the film was a bomb, and leading lady Stone received a Razzie nomination for her efforts. I wouldn’t have said she was that bad, though she’s clearly not at the same level as Gina Rowlands in the original. It does also address some of what I felt were its’ predecessor’s weaknesses. However, it tones down the central character, and this helps lead to what you’d be hard-pressed to argue is other than an inferior product overall.

It keeps the basic premise. Gloria (Stone) becomes the unwilling custodian of a young boy (Figueroa), whose family was wiped out by the mob. However, the kid is in possession of incriminating data, which could either be his salvation or his death knell, so Gloria has to protect him as the Mafiosi try to hunt him down. The big change is, rather than being a neighbour with some mob ties, Gloria here has just got out of jail, having served a three-year sentence after refusing to squeal on her boyfriend, mob lieutenant Kevin (Brit actor Northam, sporting a very credible New York accent, i.e. Chris didn’t complain about it!). When he brushes her off, she absconds with both the boy and the floppy disk which holds the data here. All 1.44 MB of it, I guess. For comparison, the original image of the poster (right) is larger than that. Gotta love tech in the nineties.

This does give the film a clear antagonist in Kevin, something lacking in the previous version, and the child here is less irritating, with a character that seems more consistent. The problem is Stone’s take on the character, which feels like the “Is Diet Pepsi alright?” flavour of the character. This one is considerably less ruthless: while she is happy to wave a gun around, I don’t recall her ever shooting anyone, which Gloria v1.0 did with an almost reckless abandon. Her motivation is also considerably more selfish, spawned (at least initially) by a desire to hit back at Kevin for dumping her.

You can perhaps tell the difference simply by comparing the posters for the two movies. The one here appears more interested in putting Stone’s cleavage front and centre: I note the kid did not stay in this picture. Indeed, on its own merits, this would have been a fairly marginal entry for the site, since it’s closer to a thriller-drama than an action movie. It does possess some effective enough moments, though some of these are cribbed wholesale from the original. This is not as terrible a remake as its reputation indicates: the core concept is too strong for that. Yet any purpose to it remains obscure at best, and entirely missing at worst.

Dir: Sidney Lumet
Star: Sharon Stone, Jean-Luke Figueroa, Jeremy Northam, George C. Scott

Ready, Willing and Able

  By

★★★
“Puts the ‘able’ in disabled.”

This is certainly something of a novelty and/or a gimmick. But it’s none the less reasonably effective for it. Templeton – who is a woman, despite her first name, given to her after the character of Christopher Robin in the Winnie The Pooh books – suffered from polio as a young child. This left her with a badly damaged right leg; despite this, she pursued an acting career, and became a regular on soap The Young and the Restless for eight years. While I’ve seen a few disabled action heroes – Daredevil was blind – as far as disabled action heroines go, it’s basically her and Imperator Furiosa from Mad Max. And Charlize Theron wasn’t genuinely short an arm, so advantage Templeten. Though, sadly, she appears to have passed away in 2011.

She plays Samantha ‘Sam’ Martin, a former CIA agent who is confined to a wheelchair after a mission goes wrong. Back in civilian life, she goes for a job as the manager for at corporate security firm F.R.T.R.I.S. The owner, Lamont Vaughn (Steve DuMouchel), quickly terminates the interview without giving Sam a fair change. As revenge, she seeks to show how the company’s security sucks, by breaking into their HQ. Doing so, she finds evidence indicating that F.R.T.R.I.S are involved in shady business, involving chemical weapons. Attempts to alert the authorities go nowhere, so Sam puts together and leads a team of her old colleagues to find irrefutable evidence of Vaughn’s wrongdoing. However, the CEO quickly becomes aware of her efforts and takes countermeasures.

For the majority of the time, it plays considerably more like a TV movie than a genuine feature, to the point where you can almost see the commercial breaks. Just as I was certain of that, there is suddenly a gratuitous sequence where Sam meets one of her team in a bargain basement rock/strip-club. This, along with occasional spots of non-televisual language, suggest it was more likely straight-to-video. The most laudable thing is how Sam absolutely refuses to let her disability stop or even slow her down. She can take out a mugger or chase after an attacker – though I must admit, the sequence where she zip-lined off the roof of the F.R.T.R.I.S building, in her wheelchair, was probably a bit of a stretch.

The final third becomes more or less a single, extended set-piece, covering the team’s infiltration into the F.R.T.R.I.S lair, and subsequent battle with their operatives. Turns out, in a twist, someone with whom Sam is quite familiar is working for the other team, though I can’t say it’s a particularly stunning turn of events, dramatically speaking. It’s all handled competently enough, though again, is never able to achieve escape velocity from the gravity well of mediocrity. I’d probably rather have seen Sam going solo, and exercising more ingenuity and inventiveness rather than her having to rely on her colleagues as much as here. That said, it’s still something you won’t see every day.

Dir: Jenni Gold
Star: Christopher Templeton, Rus Blackwell, Steve DuMouchel, Mike Kalvoda

Princess Mononoke

  By

★★★½
“Princess Die”

To some extent, this was the film which “broke” Miyazaki in the West, being his first feature to receive an unedited theatrical release in America. It wasn’t a huge commercial success, taking only about $2.4 million in North America. But it was very well-received, Roger Ebert listing it among his top ten films of 1999. It likely opened the door for the success of Spirited Away, which would win Miyazaki the Oscar for Best Animated Feature at the 75th Academy Awards. But if I’m being honest, I don’t like it as much as many of his movies. While there’s no denying the imagination and enormous technical skill here, it doesn’t resonate emotionally with me in the same way. I think it’s probably the central character, who is relatively bland and uninteresting, even compared to other characters in the movie.

Firstly though: no, there’s no-one called “Mononoke” in this. It’s not a name, but a Japanese term describing a supernatural shape-shifting creature. Though even this seems ripe to cause confusion, because there are no shape-shifting princesses to be found either. And despite the title, the protagonist is Ashitaka (Matsuda), a prince of the Emishi tribe in medieval Japan, whose arm becomes infected after an encounter with a demon-possessed wild boar. As happens… Seeking a cure before the rest of his body follows suite, despite the superhuman strength it gives him, Ashitaka heads into the Western lands, and straight into the middle of an ongoing battle.

On one side is Lady Eboshi (Tanaka), the ruler of Irontown, a progressive and industrial settlement, in need of the resources which can be found in and under the nearby forest. On the other is San (Ishida), a young woman raised by wolves, who has vowed to protect the woods and their inhabitants, including the Great Forest Spirit. It’s their conflict which is really the core of the film, with Ashitaka’s quest to get his demonic arm fixed, taking a back-seat for most of the (lengthy, at 133 minutes) running-time here. Probably for the best, since he is, as mentioned, perhaps the least charismatic or engaging protagonist in the entire Miyazaki canon. His arm is easily the most interesting thing about him – and that keeps wanting to strike out on its own. When your own limb wants to go solo, you might be the problem… To quote Lady Eboshi, “I’m getting a little bored of this curse of yours, Ashitaka. Let me just cut the damn thing off.” #ImWithTeamEboshi

But enough of him. Let’s focus on what works here, which would be San and Eboshi. The first time we see San, her face is smeared in blood which she has sucked up and spat out, from a wound in the side of a gigantic white wolf. [This is certainly the most hardcore of Miyazaki’s films, with decapitations and limbs being lost at a rate closer to an entry in the Lone Wolf & Cub franchise.] She’s relentlessly aggressive in attitude, going so far as to stage a one-woman assault on Irontown in an attempt to assassinate her enemy. She tells Ashitaka, “I’m not afraid to die. I’d do anything to get you humans out of my forest.” That said, she’s still considerably less creepy than the forest apes who want to eat him.

Eboshi, on the other hand, is a complete contrast to the near-feral San, and remarkably progressive, especially considering the era and location. Her town is a haven for the disenfranchised and those society considers “untouchables”, including both lepers and prostitutes, the latter whose contracts she bought out and who now work in her iron mill. Her citizens and their welfare are what she cares about, above all, and she’s completely fearless about who she has to go through for that purpose. “She’s not even afraid of the gods, that woman,” says one of Irontown’s residents about their ruler, admiringly. They aren’t wrong, for she subsquently tells her warriors, “I’m going to show you how to kill a god, a god of life and death. The trick is not to fear him.” It’s remarkably easy to envisage a version where the roles are reversed, and she is the heroine. The fact she’s a gun enthusiast, is just a bonus!

Ashitaka’s role is largely to act as a middleman between the two worlds: somewhat more than human, yet less than divine. That remains the case even at the end, as he agrees to spent part of his time in the forest with San, and part of it working alongside Lady Eboshi in Irontown. It’s potentially an awkward and unsatisfying compromise, storywise, yet Miyazaki makes it work better than you feel it should.  But there are a couple of perplexing missteps too. For one, when the animals of the forest are talking, there’s zero effort to make their lips synch up. It’s bizarre and distracting. And in the Japanese version, the voice of San’s wolf mother, Moro is a man. Someone known in Japan as a drag queen, admittedly – but a man none the less, a weird choice which confused the heck out of me [score one for the dub, at least, which had Gillian Anderson as the character]

The overall result is undeniably beautifully animated, and epic in its scope and invention. As ever, Miyazaki excels at creating a world which is like our own, yet simultaneously completely alien. However, it all gets rather wearing, especially at the length depicted here. My attention simply ran dry during the second half, as the multiple different factions began hacking or gnawing away on each other, with the personal and intense quality of the Eboshi/San conflict getting lost in the bigger picture. It’s in putting over the intensely personal elements of large stories, that Miyazaki is unsurpassed – never mind just in animation, among film-makers as a whole. This isn’t the best demonstration of his talents in that area.

Dir: Hayao Miyazaki
Star: Yōji Matsuda, Yuriko Ishida, Yūko Tanaka, Kaoru Kobayashi

The Contract

  By

★★½
“We’re from the government. We’re here to help.”

I bumped into this one on a stand of ultra-bargain DVDs, at a truck stop on the way home with Chris from an anniversary trip to Las Vegas. The cover, understandably, piqued my interest: the film didn’t manage to make such an impression, except in intermittent bursts. Hannah (Black) is an assassin, working under the tutelage of her father, Luc (Imbault). He spurns a lucrative contract, smelling a rat: Hannah goes behind his back and takes the job, only for Dad to be proven right, when the hit goes wrong. Luc is killed, leaving Hannah and her oblivious artist boyfriend James (Oliver) on the run from Senator Harmon (Williams). He’s a CIA honcho, who has just announced his plans to run for higher office, and needs to clean up certain elements of his past – now including Hannah and James.

Some of the action here is not bad, particularly a well-staged brawl in Hannah’s apartment while James is out for food (or something). It’s an impressive bit of hand-to-hand combat, which packs a wallop and leaves the apartment in severe need of redecoration. The hotel hit which starts the ball rolling is another highlight. Unfortunately, there are just not enough of these scenes, with the bulk of the movie being Hannah and James running away, or trying to find out what’s going on. This includes a spectacularly bad bit of technological babble. James suddenly reveals hacking skills, we discover that “You can trace the email using the graphic code,” and watch as the text of the message changes into numbers. Wot, mate? Do you even computer? I know this was back in the primitive days of 1999, but still…

The plotting is, in general, equally underwhelming. It took me a while to realize Luc was supposed to be Hannah’s father – I guess I should just have looked at the British DVD cover (right, and a bit spoilery)… Quite what Harmon is trying to do is also somewhat vague: it seems to be related to a long-ago black operation, which begs the question, why did he wait so long before deciding to tidy up all these loose ends? Williams makes for a half-decent villain and Black is also solid and watchable as Hannah. That isn’t enough, however, as the bland predictability of the storyline, one we’ve seen rather too often before, drags down the positives.

It all builds to the inevitable face-off, after Hannah tracks down the only surviving person who knows the truth about Harmon, who is now working as a school janitor. I guess being a government sponsored assassin doesn’t come with a decent pension plan. The final battle is actually the most disappointing bit of action here, swapping out the close-combat fights showcased earlier, for opponents standing some distance apart and popping off rounds at each other. You’re left with a solid appreciation for why this has been consigned to the discount racks at gas-stations.

Dir: K.C. Bascombe
Star: Johanna Black, Matthew Oliver, Billy Dee Williams, Laurent Imbault

Africa

  By

★★½
“Supermodel goes wild.”

africaKinda dumb, to say the least, yet not entirely reprehensible. Supermodel Victoria Young (Potgieter) is under a lot of stress, having just signed a huge new contract, and to clear her head decides to take a drive across the South African veldt. A close encounter with a truck propels her car off the road, and the dazed Vicky wanders off in the wrong direction, away into the bush. Her manager/boyfriend Josh Sinclair (Wise) is left to co-ordinate search and rescue, though the police seem to think it’s just some kind of publicity stunt, and in the cut-throat world of modelling, there is no shortage of those seeking to exploit Vicky’s absence for their own ends. Meanwhile, by the time she regains her full faculties, she has no clue how to get back to civilization, and has to figure out how to survive a hostile environment. Plus, as time goes on, fend for herself, finding food – as well as avoiding becoming food for the local fauna.

I could certainly have done without the entire urban shenanigans, which appears to have strayed in from a bad 90’s Lifetime TV movie. Much more interesting is watching Vicky disintegrate from a pristine beauty, into someone who has to rip the leg off a half-scavenged carcass in order to eat, in between bouts of hiding up trees while a pride of lions takes a nap below. Some of the early sequences border on supermodel torture-porn, for example, as she agonizingly pulls a thorn from her foot, even though it is kinda obvious that the actress was never in the same scene with anything larger than a monkey. Similarly, the sequence where she pulls a grub out of a rotten tree, and cooks it on a stick like a disgusting living S’more, would have been more impactful had it then continued, unflinchingly to show Vicky chowing down on it. Though I did kinda snigger at the cut instead, to a rival model throwing up in the bathroom.

I’m not sure how realistic it is intended to be: I suspect that drinking raw water from a water-hole, in which various wild animals have been trampling [and, likely doing other things], would be a fast way to the emergency room. It might have been nice had they provided some rationale for her survival skills, even a token one such as her growing up on a farm; if you actually dumped Kate Moss into the middle of Africa, the real outcome is likely going to be a bit different. I did like how Vicky’s survival was entirely dependent on her own actions – there was no helicopter flying in at the end, as a deus ex machina. However, it would have been greatly improved by having the courage to focus purely on the “Woman vs. Wild” aspect, as the rest of it is mostly nonsense, which adds very little to proceedings.

Dir: Paul Matthews
Star: Dorette Potgieter, Greg Wise, Patrick Bergin, Elizabeth Berkley

Relic Hunter: season one

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★★★
“Sydney Fox and the Temple of Tomb.”

relichunterMore or less shamelessly ripping off Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider in equal measures, this Canadian TV series ran for three seasons and 66 episodes between 1999 and 2002. The heroine is Sydney Fox (Carrere), a Professor of history at “Trinity University,” who is renowned for her ability to track down historical artifacts lost for centuries – and, unlike some of her colleagues in the business, return them to their rightful owners. She is assisted on the road by Nigel (Anholt), her British assistant who is smart, but far happier in a library than taking part in the globe-trotting or fist-fighting, in which Sidney revels, and back at base by Claudia (Booth), her bubble-headed secretary who got the job largely because her father is a major donor to the college.

The episodes are almost completely standard, starting with a historical prologue, to show how the relic was lost. Someone goes to Trinity to ask for help finding it. Sydney and Nigel follow a series of clues bringing them closer to the relic. There’ll be another group hunting the same object, for mercenary or other reasons, often with an unexpected agent working for them. Expect secret passages and protective traps, some fisticuffs as Fox takes out the villain’s goons, light romantic tension, a mildly life-threatening situation and a happy ending as the treasure is found and something moral is done with it. The only things that change are the McGuffin and the country involved. The latter is generally as close as the Canadian shooting location can fake it, though the end of the season did appear to fund a trip for actual shooting: five of the last six episodes had a French setting.

It’s hardly challenging stuff, and the action is generally several level sub-Buffy, in part because Carrere lacks much physical presence. The history on view is particularly woeful too, with basic factual errors surrounding just about every “real” character. All told, after the first couple of episodes, which seemed particularly stilted, I contemplated quietly forgetting the entire idea. However, I persevered, and the series did slowly grow on me. Sydney and Nigel develop a nice chemistry, and there are occasional moments which suggest a more tongue-in-cheek approach than you might expect. For instance the line delivered on their entrance into an Amsterdam bar: “Why do I suddenly feel like I’m in a Kubrick film?”. Or, as shown below, there’s the muddy catfight between Sydney and a female adversary, which is almost as self-aware as the one between Denise Richards and Aunjanue Ellis in Undercover Brother.

Make no mistake: even by the low standards of network television, this is hardly great, being incredibly derivative, and unwilling to stray anywhere outside its comfort zone. And yet… Once I came to accept these limitations, I found myself increasingly entertained by the fluffy lack of envelope-pushing. This is the televisual equivalent of putting on a beloved bath-robe: well-worn, comfortable, and you know exactly what you’re going to get. If not something you probably want to wear all the time, there are occasions when it’s just what’s needed.

Star: Tia Carrere, Christian Anholt, Lindy Booth, Tony Rosato

Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby

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★½
“Hugely disappointing sequel, that’ll make you want to hurl.”

Wow. This is dreadful, and I speak as someone who enjoyed its predecessor, appreciating its excessive updating of Little Red Riding Hood. Bright tries to capture lightning in a bottle here, this time going for Hansel and Gretel, but it’s largely a miserable failure, imploding in screeching one-note performances from the two leads and far too many scenes of teenage girls vomiting. Yep. Girls vomiting. The scenario has Crystal Van Meter (Lyonne) sentenced to 25 years in prison, by a judge (a cameo by John Landis) fed-up of her petty criminality. There, she meets fellow desperado Angela “Cyclona” Garcia (Celedonio), a teenage serial killer with even more anti-social tendencies. After much binging and purging, the pair break out and go on the lam, heading for Tijuna and Sister Gomez, whom Garcia believes can solve their problems. But the Sister is not quite what she seems… as should be clear when I tell you she’s played by Vincent Gallo.

That chunk is really the only area where the film is remotely salvageable, capturing the surreal horror of a depraved, cannibalistic Mexican cult, which is both grim and Grimm. Until that point, however, you have painfully little of interest, with Bright failing to provide anything that’s interesting in the way of characters, plot or even bad-taste, despite one sequence where Crystal projectile vomits over a guard, in a manner last seen in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, and she is just about as repugnant a creation as Mr. Creosote. Indeed, the whole film is shot through with an unpleasant loathing of all humanity, whether it’s her lawyer (David Alan Grier), who gets public hand-jobs from his clients, or the two cops trailing the fugitives. It’s a nasty, sneering approach which leaves the viewer wanting to take a shower, even if you discount the fascinated depiction of bulimic regurgitation.

Even if you stick to the simple math, Lyonne is clearly much less than Reese Witherspoon in the original, and for the first hour you’ve got absolutely no reason to watch: I’ll confess I spent some time in the next room, trying to fix a computer, rather than listening to the leads’ screeching at each other. Chris bailed in the first scene, claiming she had a strong aversion to Grier, and while I initially was peeved by her snap judgment, in the end, I can’t argue she was dead right.

Dir: Matthew Bright
Star: Natasha Lyonne, María Celedonio, Vincent Gallo, Bob Dawson