Category: Feature

Aethelflaed: Daughter of Greatness

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This particular lady is one who has come close to being written out of history, and it’s about time she was put back in. It is partly because she is so obscure that I think her movie should be done as a sequel to one on her father, Alfred the Great who, though better known, also deserves more recognition and is definitely worthy of a movie in his own right.

By the 9th Century AD the southern part of the island of Great Britain had been taken over by Germanic tribes known collectively as the Anglo-Saxons. Missionaries had converted them to Christianity and the original seven kingdoms had merged into three. To the north was Northumbria; to the east and centre was Mercia, which included the area settled by the Angles; Alfred’s kingdom was Wessex, land of the West Saxons, and covered the area to the west and south.

This period is often called the Dark Ages, and when the Great Viking Army arrived in must have seemed to many Christians that it was about to get even darker. The invaders still worshipped old gods such as Tiw (Tyr), Odin (Woden), Thor and Freya who had held sway over Germany and Scandinavia for centuries. [The spelling varied in the different areas, but evidence of their is still to be seen in the days that bear their names; Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.]

From this complex mythology, only the Valkyries survive. They were originally the “shield maidens” of Odin who rode into battles to bring the bravest of the fallen to Valhalla. In modern times they are seem in many forms, standard bearers of a near forgotten culture that have been absorbed into our own. Personally, I’m glad they are still with us, for I rather like them and would love to see a fantasy sequence involving them included in the movie.

The invaders quickly overran Northumbria, although the film would only mention this in passing. It would concentrate on the struggle for survival of the two southern kingdoms against the Danish Vikings, thought of by the monastic chronicles of the time, as the forces of darkness. The Danes also believed in magic, and their mythology was full of tales about rings of power or doom, such as Andvarinaut, a cursed ring that blighted many lives. If all this sounds familiar to Lord of the Rings fans, it is hardly surprising: J.R.R. Tolkien was professor of Anglo Saxon studies at Oxford University.

While he got his inspiration from many sources (and did not welcome speculation on such matters!), it is, however, hard to ignore certain similarities between Middle Earth and Anglo Saxon England. For example both had: just one woman to fight on horseback; one woman to lead men in battle; one woman to help rule her people when destiny called. Taking everything into consideration, it is quite likely that the legends of Aethelflaed, Lady of the Mercians, inspired Tolkien to crate Eowyn, Lady of the Rohan (left). I do admit, that this similarity seems to relate more to their character, rather than to the lives they led in fact and fiction.

When Aethelflaed was born in 869 her uncle, Aethelred was King. These were troubled times and Alfred was soon helping his brother lead the army of Wessex against the invaders. The Vikings had been raiding Britain for many years but this army was a much more dangerous proposition – they had come to stay. In 871, Aethelred died of wounds received in battle and Alfred became King. He fought the Danes to a standstill and kept Wessex the only area free of them, but at a heavy price: part of the peace settlement involved paying off the Danes, which Alfred reluctantly did. His little kingdom was exhausted and he knew that if he was killed in battle, there was nobody to follow him. But this only bought him five years. The Danes started encroaching on Wessex and in January 878, launched a winter offensive which took the Saxons completely by surprise. The whole of Wessex was overrun and the royal family was forced to flee, fugitives in their own land.

A lesser man would have quit – the King of Mercia fled to Europe when his kingdom was overrun. Alfred was made of sterner stuff, and this became his finest hour. He went to the Somerset marshes and four months later had transformed a ragged band of followers into an army which defeated the Danes at the battle of Edington. A movie about Alfred would pay particular attention to this period, and I don’t think it unreasonable to assume that Aethelflaed would want to help her father in his time of need. He organised guerrilla warfare against the Danes, and I would include a scene in which eight-year old Aethelflaed spies on them. She is spotted and chased, but gets away. As they give up the chase our little heroine hears them remark; “These Saxon brats are just like their King, good at running and hiding.” We have a close up of a dirty but fiercely determined little face. “When I am grown up, it is you who will be running and hiding from me,” she says passionately.

When Aethelflaed gets back to camp she finds her mother Ealswyth frantic with worry. Everybody had been out looking for her and she was in big trouble – Alfred towers above her, and demands to know where she has been. When he finds out she has been spying on a group of Danes that were in the marshes he is furious, but when he stops yelling long enough to listen he realises that the information his daughter has brought him is extremely valuable. It’s difficult to stay angry with someone of whom you are very proud… After his decisive victory Alfred was able to dictate peace on his terms, which included the partition of Mercia. He achieved a lot, but I don’t anticipate his movie spending much time on them. There would still have been troubles with the Danes, who were a collection of independent bands rather than a true army, as we would understand it.

Aethelflaed’s gravecover in Gloucester

At the age of twenty, Aethelflaed married Ethelred, a powerful noble of Mercia and long-time friend of her father. They ruled together, but were never officially known as King and Queen, since many people were still waiting for the return of the King of Mercia from exile. A scene involving Ethelred finding out first hand that she knows how to fight would be a must. I like the idea of them being ambushed while travelling through a forest. Aethelflaed is travelling by wagon but when the Danes attack, her husband ignores her protests and gives her his horse. He tells her to ride on and sends half their bodyguard with her as protection. A short distance away she stops, and notices that the outnumbered Saxons are in trouble. She tries to send the men with her back, but they reluctantly refuse – their orders are to stick with her. Aethelflaed smiles, turns her horse and charges into the fight, picking up a sword from a fallen warrior on the way. The men have no alternative but to follow her; the Danes are taken completely by surprise and after a spirited scrap are beaten off.

Towards the end of the century the Danes attacked again but the combined efforts of Wessex and Mercia drove them back. Alfred was quite sick by this time and although he had organised the defence, such as the creation of a navy, the actual fighting was left to the younger generation. In 899 Alfred died and his son Edward became King of Wessex. The two countries continued to cooperate as before, and together increased the area of Mercia held by the Anglo-Saxons.

After her husband died in 911, Aethelflaed ruled alone until she died in 918 – he had been sick for some while before this, so in reality she already had the reins. In these last few years she is reported to have led her army in battle against the Vikings, recaptured the town of Derby without a siege, skilfully negotiated treaties with the Danes, Scots and Welsh, and built fortifications – her street plan can still be seen today in the town of Gloucester, where she also rebuilt the Roman walls. Though final victory went to others, without Aethelflaed’s tactical prowess to pave the way, the task of those who followed would have been much harder, if not impossible. [Picture at left is Skeggjold, one of a serious of Valkyrie dolls created by Tanya Van Der Ploeg – for more information visit her website.]

Her daughter briefly ruled after her death, but Edward took over when he found she was not up to the job, and ruled the two kingdoms as one until his death, when his son Aethelstan succeeded him. At a very young age Aethelstan was sent to Mercia where his Aunt Aethelflaed raised him, another potential plot thread. Mercia became his home and it is only natural that he would become their next king – the kingdoms were never separated again. Aethelstan continued the family tradition of gaining land from the Danes and finished up controlling the whole country, having taken over the Danish kingdom centred on York. A good indication of how close he was to his aunt is the statue of Aethelflaed that stands in the grounds of Tamworth Castle. Her right hand firmly grips a sword, but her left arm is protectively draped around the child Aethelstan.

In my view, Alfred, Aethelflaed, Edward and Aethelstan should be looked at collectively as the family that created England as a nation. I have no problem with Alfred becoming known as “The Great”, many years after his death, but think it only fair to point out that without his daughter, son and grandson, his efforts would not have had much lasting effect. Aethelflaed in particular has been relegated to a mere footnote, or worse still completely ignored, and the time is long overdue to do something about it.

A sequel to Alfred’s movie could feature Aethelflaed, though the basis for this would be neither the list of battles fought and fortifications built on the web, nor stuff that I make up. It should be based on the legends of Aethelflaed, which for some reason have been lost over the centuries. When William the Conqueror successfully invaded England in 1066 he cared little for his immediate predecessors, but found many stories still being told of Alfred and his warrior daughter. What better way to legitimise his rule than by marrying Matilda of Flanders, a direct descendant of Elfthryth, Aethelflaed’s sister? This connected William to the legends and enabled his descendants to trace their line right back to Alfred.

I saw one such descendant not long ago, hosting a documentary on the History channel. The credits referred to him as Edward Windsor, but we know him better as Prince Edward, Queen Elizabeth II’s youngest son. Further evidence of his interest in history is the title he took on marriage: Earl of Wessex. His brothers have secondary titles to give their wives rank too, but neither went back over a thousand years to find them. Sounds to me like the right person to go digging in the royal archives, and see if he can find anything about Aethelflaed’s legends…

Queen Artemisia of Halicarnassus: Wonder of the World

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There were actually two queens of Halicarnassus called Artemisia. In the 4th century BC, one built a mausoleum to her husband, that was so beautiful that it became acknowledged as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, but she was the later, and at least for our purposes, the secondary holder of the name. Her predecessor’s time in the spotlight came during the Battle of Salamis, in the year 480 BC – the story of how she arrived there, leading a squadron of ships, would occupy the bulk of the movie, with the battle as the climax. Artemisia had married the King of Halicarnassus about twenty years earlier and when he died a few years later, took the throne for herself.

There is more speculation involved than historical fact, but since very little – not even the King’s name! – is known for sure, and nobody suggested making a documentary, we can be forgiven some dramatic license in the next couple of paragraphs. I think portraying him as an older man, who takes Artemisia as a young trophy wife, would be a credible assumption. I see him being sick for a time before death, so she runs the state in his name and makes a really good job of it. After he passes, Most of the nobles, all the people and even the Persian overloads are keen for her to continue, but nothing is ever that easy.

Every film needs a villain, so let’s have some evil characters in the background. Give the old King a son from a previous marriage; a real nasty type, with a beautiful (but even nastier!) wife. They expect to rule when the King dies, but make no attempt to help Artemisia in running the place – indeed, quite the opposite, they cause nothing but trouble. With little home support, the stepson gets some from a nearby enemy city. The two sides battle for control, Artemisia wins, and her rivals for power flee into exile. It is safe to assume that she didn’t get the throne without some kind of a fight, and if we include Persian assistance for our heroine, this would explain why she later supported their cause, in gratitude for their help.

Now back to historical fact. Halicarnassus was one of the Ionian Greek States on the West coast of what is now Turkey. It is known that Artemisia led her ships in action against other Greek city-states long before the main battle. There is nothing unusual in this as the Greek states often fought amongst themselves. She gained enough success to become a military advisor to King Xerxes of Persia, the world superpower of its day.

The Persian Empire was a huge collection of diverse races united only in the tributes they paid to Xerxes. A select group of these subservient allies plus some of his own officials made up his military council. Artemisia was a member of the council and she alone spoke against taking on the Athenians in a naval battle. She advised him that the fleet would be better employed in supporting the army. Athens had already been occupied, and the whole of Greece lay open, but if the Persian fleet were decisively defeated, most of the army would have to withdraw as it could no longer be supplied from the sea. She wasn’t predicting disaster – but she wasn’t ruling it out either and considered it not worth the risk.

This would make a very dramatic scene, and would also be historically accurate. Xerxes liked her and listened to what she had to say, but went ahead and tried to smash the Athenian fleet anyway. Over-confident to the point that he set up his golden throne to watch the battle, Xerxes was to be disappointed. Although heavily outnumbered, the Greeks out-thought, out-manoeuvred and then out-fought their foes, gaining in the process one of the most important and decisive naval victories of all time. The battle itself was of enormous importance and if the Greeks had lost, it is quite possible that their civilization as a separate entity would have been extinguished. In the past it has been impossible to do such battles justice, but in the era of CGI, it can be done.

Artemisia’s part in the battle is well documented, although there does seem to be some minor variations. I have tweaked my favourite version for the purposes of the movie version. She is in the thick of the battle and her ships have been holding their own. Elsewhere things are going badly for the Persians as the allied fleet, starts to disintegrates. Realising that the cause is lost and that it is now time to abandon her rearguard action and look to her own survival, Artemisia plans her escape. With a Greek trireme bearing down on her ship, and her escape route blocked by the confused melee of ships she increases speed and heads straight for them. If a collision was inevitable, it will be on her terms. She lines up the ship of her hated enemy, King Clamasithymus who, while nominally on the Persian side, was the one who aided her stepson and gave him refuge. At full speed she smashes into the King’s vessel, her trireme’s underwater ram punching a hole in it below the waterline. The trireme backs off and as its victim sinks, Artemisia notices with some satisfaction that her stepson is on board. Convinced that the Queen has changed sides, the Greeks let her withdraw her squadron from the battle.

It has been recorded that Xerxes watched from the beach and when Artemisia rammed her rival exclaimed, “The men behaved like women, and the women like heroes.” It has been suggested that Xerxes was unaware of who she rammed, but I don’t buy this. Calling it a Persian fleet is done as a convenience, because describing it as a combined Phoenician, Egyptian, Cypriot, Cilician and Ionian-Greek fleet, is so cumbersome. Persia was a land empire and called on its allies and vassal states to provide ships. These were peoples who were natural rivals most of the time and would need little incentive to start fighting each other, especially as they try and escape the Greek trap. Artemisia only did what everyone else was trying to do – she just did it with style. The recognised facts support this view: after the battle, she remained on good terms with Xerxes while most of the fleet, and Xerxes himself, returned to their home countries

Meanwhile, back at the movies, how should the character of Artemisia be played? I see a beautiful lady who exudes an air of quiet dignity when required for ceremonial purposes, but is firm and decisive when decisions need to be made. In council she would command respect with her delivery of articulate intelligent argument. In battle she would be tough and ruthless, but fair and willing to give credit where it is due. The sort of commander men will follow into the jaws of hell. There may well be others that could do justice to the role, but if it was up to me, I would give it to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Although it has been suggested, I’d prefer not to include a full-blown relationship between Xerxes and Artemisia. Xerxes was a man who would not have been short of mistresses, but would never dream of bringing one to a war council. It is quite possible that he liked the idea of putting Artemisia to the sword (so to speak!), leading to some unresolved sexual tension, but I much prefer the idea that she was there entirely on her own merits. Someone like John Rhys-Davies, might make a good Xerxes.

Since Artemisia was fighting on what is historically regarded as “the wrong side,” some time will have to be spent on her motivation. I think it reasonable that she believes that the Greeks and Persians should be united – she was after all a Greek living under Persian rule. At the end of the film, a narrator could mention that it was 150 years later that this happened, but not in the way that Artemisia expected. Oliver Stone notwithstanding, it took the genius of Alexander the Great to conquer both Persia and Greece, bringing them together at last.

Further reading: Herodotus on Artemisia

Action Heroines of History

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The year 2004 will not go down as a great vintage for historical movies, thanks to Troy, Alexander, King Arthur, etc. In contrast, films that feature original ideas, even if they are sequels, have done well, but there are so many interesting stories contained in history that I see no need to stick with the familiar. To illustrate this point I have compiled a selection of pieces on successful women from history, whose stories would all make good movies.

As well as factual details, the pieces include suggestions of how the films could be constructed to marry historical fact and cinematic drama. These are a pair of influences which tend to be uneasy bedfellows, but too often accuracy ends up sacrificed wholesale, for reasons which tend to be questionable at best. This isn’t necessary; as these cases show, there is potential for an interesting film that still remains credible.

The heroines come from widely different eras, and while they vary in their importance as far as making a difference, I find them all fascinating, and feel strongly that they deserve to be better known. Part of the reason they are not is, I believe, down to historians, who seem far more interested in women who meet with a tragic end. For example: Cleopatra (suicide), Boudicca (suicide), Joan of Arc (burned at the stake), or Mary Queen of Scots (beheaded). I’m sure that many people would appreciate a film featuring women who come out a winner, and these articles will hopefully generate some interest in such historical figures.

Making history: historical heroines to Hollywood

See also

 

The Crimson Bat series

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“Up to bat…”

While the samurai is one of the most common archetypes in Japanese cinema, the female version is about as rare as the female gunslinger. Although none of these women reached anything like the popularity of Zatoichi – 26 films starring Shintaro Katsu alone, never mind the recent Takeshi Kitano version – there have been a few that have attempted to break the mould. Azumi and The Princess Blade have both achieved cult status in the West, assisted by Tarantino’s take in Kill Bill, Volume 1. Back in 1973, there was Lady Snowblood, which was successful enough to merit a sequel the following year, but so far, only one samurai-ess series has survived more than two outings.

That swordswoman is Oichi, supposedly based on an animated story and character by Teruo Tanashita – but, really, who are they trying to kid? This was simply the Shochiku’s studio’s answer to Daiei’s Zatoichi, and any protestations to the contrary should be treated with deep scepticism. Both hero and heroine are blind, yet have no problem fighting for truth, justice and the Amer…Japanese way, as they wander through the traditional chambara landscape. [Indeed, in the first film, a blind masseuse wobbles drunkenly through one scene, in what can only be a casual potshot at Zatoichi] Original thought is not something to look for in the Crimson Bat series, even ardent fans will admit. However, Shochiku did strike gold in Yuko Matsuyama; albeit they didn’t have to look very far to find her, since she was married to character creator Tanashita. I get the feeling Shochiku didn’t exactly over-exert themselves in a star search.

With the success of Kill Bill, it seems a little strange that no-one has seen fit to give Crimson Bat proper English-language distribution. However, we don’t let things like that stop us. :-) While dubbed versions of all four films in the saga are available on the grey market, the bootleg prints seem to have Dutch, or occasionally Greek, subtitles. This lends the whole thing a certain surreal air, though as dubs go, they aren’t bad – an opinion no doubt assisted by the characters, who generally prefer to let their actions speak louder than their words. And since even Alex in Wonderland, pretty much the fount of all GWG wisdom, appears to have missed these, we’re proud to present what is (as far as I’m aware) the first review of the entire series to appear on the Internet.

[August 2005, Bill F writes: “You may be interested to learn that after the last film it was turned into a television series. The film series was produced by Shochiku. The TV series was produced by Toei. Like the films, the TV series starred Yuko Matsuyama. The TV series also starred Hiroshi Fujioka and it ran for 25 episodes (4/12/71 – 9/27/71).”]

  • Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman

    ★★★

    We meet our heroine Oichi as a young child, who has just been being abandoned by her mother – not sure what happened to father, but we later discover Mom’s a prostitute, so can probably fill in the blanks ourselves. To make matters worse, the tree under which Oichi takes shelter from a storm is struck by lightning, rendering her totally blind, in a way that’s – probably wisely – left medically unexplained. However, she is then taken in by a kind gentleman, who brings her up, and on into adulthood.

    She’s no luckier with her foster parent, who is murdered by a former associate, Devil Denzou (Amatsu); she is saved from the same fate by a wandering samurai. He sees her potential and trains her in the way of the sword, to the point where she has surpassed him. But she mentions the M-word – “marriage” – and he, too, exits like a, er, bat out of hell. On subsequent travels, she uses her skills to save yet another man from being lynched, and eventually, all these disparate plot threads join up, more or less. Though others, such as the woman with a killer yo-yo [GoGo Yubari’s ancestor?] just kinda drift out of the plot.

    The film is at its best when there is the threat of violence; much like Sergio Leone, the lead-up lasts much longer than the actual acts, with the director ratcheting up the tension. For example, there’s one scene where Oichi visits a gambling parlour to raise money, and from the moment she sits down, you know it’s just a matter of time before her sword comes out of its red sheath (which presumably is the origin of her name – that, and the copious blood that tends to get sprayed when she’s around). There’s also a nice visual sense at work throughout here, particularly in lighting, which enhances proceedings nicely.

    And, being honest, the actual drama needs all the help it can get, since it seems limp in comparison, though allowance should likely be made for the dubbing. That, however, can’t explain the bouncing back and forth in time, which may induce temporal nausea in susceptible viewers; it feels as if the finished film got tossed in the air and is shown in the order it hit the ground. And while there’s a decent “ah-hah!” when everything ties up, this isn’t enough to justify the lengthy set-up. Fewer plot threads, explored in depth, would be a major improvement.

    Dir: Matsuda Teiki
    Star: Yoko Matsuyama, Isamu Nagato, Jun Tatara, Satoshi Amatsu
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Makkana Nagaredoni

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  • Trapped, the Crimson Bat

    ★★★★

    Later that same year (1969), Oichi was back in action, and at the start of Trapped, seems quite content with her life as a bounty-huntress. She has even adopted an orphan, just as she herself was taken in herself, but two things wreck this relatively happy situation. She discovers her protege is really a runaway, not an orphan, and consequently has to abandon her – again, as she was discarded. Worse yet, she incurs the wrath of fellow bounty-huntress Oen (Matsuoka), a kitten with a whip and pockets full of venomous snakes, who leaves Oichi for dead. Luckily, she is nursed back to health by Matsuka (Irikawa), a farmer who doesn’t care about her shady past, and Oichi discovers the joys of a simpler existence – specifically, one not involving the slaughter of criminals for cash. Of course, the inevitable eventually happens: local thug Bunzo (Abe) starts taking the locals’ rice stocks, with Oen closely in tow. No prizes for guessing that the quiet life isn’t going to last long, especially after Matsuka is manipulated by Oen into owing a gambling debt to Bunzo.

    This is a fine movie, with Matusoka in particular a grand foil for the heroine, her hair covering one half of her face like a veil, and the other half usually displaying a near-psychotic expression. Oichi’s struggles to leave her past behind feel almost like Shakespearean tragedy, and the final shots of the film, while a sudden way to end, hint strongly at an endless, futile struggle. To paraphrase George Orwell, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a Samurai sword slicing up an opponent…forever. Downbeat? Hell, yes. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

    The action is decent too, with Matsuyama definitely operating a step above her first outing; although these aren’t usually so much fights, more the swift dispatch of one or more opponents, that’s par for the chambara genre. Matsuka is somewhat of an enigma as a character – it’s hard to see why Oichi falls for him, and the whole “orphan” plotline is not well handled. In particular, it’s lacking any kind of background, to the extent it feels like an entire film was missing. The rest of the story though, is well-crafted and packs a solid wallop; you could certainly argue that this is the best flight of the Crimson Bat.

    Dir: Matsuda Teiki
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Yasunori Irikawa, Kikko Matsuoka, Toru Abe
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Jigoku Hada

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  • Watch Out, Crimson Bat!

    ★★

    The third entry in the series saw a new director, and unfortunately, a marked turn for the worse, largely because the focus drifts off Oichi. It starts briskly enough, with the heroine coming into possession of a new, effective formula for gunpowder, something barely known at the time in Japan. Understandably, this makes her the focus of attention, in particular for a group with an interest in profiting from the discovery.

    I have a number of qualms with the storyline here, not least the concept that “weapons of mass destruction” (as gunpowder was, when compared to the arrows and swords prevalent during this era) are safe in any hands. Moral doubts aside, the main flaw is the introduction of characters such as Gennosuke (Ibuku) and, worse still, an immensely irritating pair of teenage orphans. Together, they succeed in making Oichi feel like a supporting character in her own movie, and she is almost entirely absent from action in the middle portion.

    By the time she rides to the rescue…yes, I said “rides”, her previously unmentioned equestrian skills being hand-waved away with “the horse knows where it’s going”…the film is pretty much dead in the water. The final battle does mark another step up in scale, with Matsuyama’s skills again clearly improved, and the quantity of enemies dispatched again setting a high-water mark, even if Gennosuke gets to take out almost as many as Oichi, and the way in which the villainous henchman suddenly switches sides is laughable. In marked contrast to its two predecessors, this does have a proper ending, tying up the loose threads in a satisfying, if conventional, way. It isn’t enough to rescue the day, with interest having succumbed at a disturbingly early point.

    In its incarnation as Samurai Woman (left), I believe this was the only installment to see a release in the UK. When first seen, over a decade ago, it was unimpressive, and it remains weak, particularly when viewed from an action heroine perspective. But even in general terms, it’s a poor piece of cinematic storytelling.

    Dir: Hirokazu Ichimura
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Goro Ibuki, Kiyoko Inoue, Asahi Kurizuka
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Midare Gasa

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  • Crimson Bat: Wanted, Dead or Alive

    ★★★½

    Director Ichimura returned for the fourth episode, and despite similar problems as the third installment – most obviously, an apparent doubt that Oichi’s character can hold the viewer’s interest by herself – makes a much better stab at things here. Bounty-hunter Oichi finds out what life is like on the other side of the law, after she helps rescue an unwilling bride from a local magistrate; he slaps a 100 gold-piece reward on her head, which naturally, brings other bounty-hunters on her trail, led by Sankuro (Meguro).

    She ends up in a fishing village, where the “evil property developer” subplot makes a surprising appearance, despite the historical era. The reconstruction of the harbour threatens to put the locals out of work, but a plot is afoot among the local authorities to pay them only one gold piece each in compensation, rather than the 15 gold pieces actually provided by the federal government. Residents, officials, bounty-hunters and Oichi all inevitably collide, including one character played by Tetsuro Tamba, who remains even now one of the most respected (and prolific – the IMDB lists 193 films for him!) actors in Japanese cinema.

    There’s a lot of devious double-crossing and deception here, which is okay to watch, but isn’t really the reason we watch these things. And that it also turns out to be Sankuro’s birthplace is too much of a fluke to swallow. Fortunately, it all builds nicely to an extended finale, where our heroine (now also framed for the murder of a village elder) gets a chance to take out her aggression and resentment on all those who have turned her life into that of a hunted animal. It’s a great urban battle, through the town which is being demolished around her, in and out of buildings until she finally confronts the chief villain of the piece.

    Though this was the last entry in the series, there isn’t much sense of closure at the end, with (and I trust I’m not really spoiling this for anyone) Oichi merely walking off into the sunset, alone again, naturally. One senses Shochiku were hoping to continue, but for whatever reason – most likely box-office success, or rather, the lack thereof – it never materialised. However, for a series from the 60’s, it was undeniably ahead of its time, and most of the films have survived the passage of three and a half decades in an impressive style. If any enterprising DVD company were to snap them up, the rewards would likely be significant.

    Dir: Hirokazu Ichimura
    Stars: Yoko Matsuyama, Yuki Meguro, Tetsuro Tanaba, Reiko Oshida
    a.k.a. Mekura No Oichi Monogatari: Inochi Moraimasu

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Miss-ed Opportunities: Girls Who Should Have Had Guns…

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I have lost count of the number of movies in which I’ve been disappointed by the female characters. Often they seemed to be added as an afterthought, a “love interest” for the hero, or just as eye candy. In particular, there is a shortage of them in action movies: it’s strange that, so often, an all powerful crime boss is expected to live the life of a monk. But even when all the elements are put in place, there are many that then proceed to mess up the climax. At the other end of the scale, are films where the characters are completely wrong for the situation in which they are placed.

To illustrate these points, I have taken a closer look at four films, and come up with alternative scenes, characters or sequences which might have been an improvement. Although as they were made, they were all a personal disappointment to me, I should say that I have seen worse, and selected them to make a point, rather than to put them down. At least they tried…

Wild Wild West (1999)
Don’t just stand there, do something!

Before getting on to the actions – or rather, the lack – of the female lead in this movie, I feel it only fair to say, she was not the main problem. That dubious honour goes to a plot, which was so lame that if it had been a horse, it would have been shot. And while they were in the process of rewriting the script, particular attention could then have been paid to the part played by Selma Hayek. Because, to me it’s ridiculous to have a female lead in an action movie, whose only purpose seems to be standing around and looking decorative. She should be a participant in the action, not a spectator, but at no time in this endeavour did she fire a gun, ride a horse or fight anybody. She was there solely for the two male leads to argue over, and show off her underwear…OK, not totally a bad thing, but there were some bad girls too, equally underemployed. With only a little imagination, a revised version could have a scene something like this:

Our intrepid trio are riding along on horseback and get ambushed. They dive for cover as the bullets start flying. The men return fire and exchange words to the effect that since there are four attackers, they are outnumbered two to one. They are interrupted by the crash of a gun firing just behind them, and a cry of pain, as a bad guy bite the dust. They turn to see Selma holding a rifle, and she says calmly, “I don’t why you’re complaining about the odds. By my count, it’s three against three.”

Simple but effective. Instead, this movie demonstrates what happens when the producers concentrate more on special effects than they do on telling a story. This can only result in characters that are not used to their full potential.

Austin Powers: Goldmember (2002)
Where’s the bad girl?

The original was fine, but by the third, I was getting tired of the recycled jokes. The one thing I did like, however, was the inclusion of Beyonce as Austin’s partner, Foxxy Cleopatra, and I would like to have seen more of her and less of Mike Myers [I admire the man’s talent, but the novelty of playing both hero and villain does wear off eventually]. On a more specific note, I found Dr Evil was starting to get really irritating, and the inclusion of a bad girl might have helped, giving somebody else to bounce jokes off. And there was no shortage of suitable candidates: when the audience was first introduced to Goldmember, beautiful girls surrounded him, and I have never understood why he didn’t take one of them with him.

She should, of course, be an active participant in the action sequences. This would be more important than great acting talent, as the entire series involves overacting and hamming it up, rather than trying for an Oscar. It’d give scope for things such as her and Foxxy having a running-gag, in which they compete as to who can hide the biggest gun in the sexiest outfit. [See Undercover Brother for an example of what can be done] An increase in Beyonce’s part is certainly something that many would welcome: she has real potential as an action heroine and I hope, someday, gets a part that gives her a better chance to show her talents. I don’t really care if she plays the good girl or bad girl – just so long as there is one of each…

Torque (2004)
If they’re going to fight, get it right.

I rather enjoyed this movie. It is a lighthearted, testosterone-fuelled, action flick that has no pretensions about being anything else, is full of stunts and, apart from the ending, delivered everything it promised. Early on in the film, there is a confrontation between Shane (Monet Mazur) and China (Jaime Pressly). It’s apparent that they are ordained enemies and their mutual hatred is personal, going far beyond them being the respective girlfriends of the hero and chief villain. It’s made clear to the audience that by the end of the movie, there will be a reckoning between them. This is definitely something to look forward to, as they are beautiful and physically well matched.

And so it comes to pass. At the end of the movie, the villains get busted; China makes a break for it, jumps on a motorcycle and rides off. Shane also mounts up and goes after her. So far, so good, but this is when it starts to get goofy. For some strange reason, they try to have a martial arts fight from the back of their bikes. Unfortunately this just doesn’t work on any level, and I would have liked it done a lot differently.

First of all, they both would have grabbed guns before riding off – this makes more sense. They would have started firing at each other while riding, perhaps ending when Shane shoots out the bad girl’s back tire. Abandoning her bike, China is now able to aim more effectively and nearly takes out her pursuer. Sliding to a stop, the good girl ducks for cover, and resumes what is now a running gun battle. Shane chases her rival down and traps her. With nowhere to run, China prepares to make her last stand, when something almost unheard of in action movies happens: her gun runs out of ammo.

Shane advances from behind cover, her own gun aimed at her rival, smiling happily as she says, “Give it up, bitch. It’s over now, and I don’t want to have to shoot you.” China sneers at her foe, drops to a fighting crouch and clenches her fists as she replies. “Well, in that case put the gun down and try and take me without it, if you have the guts.” This suits our good girl just fine. She has no desire to shoot an unarmed foe, but likes the idea of beating her up…

The two actresses concerned did some of the film fight themselves, and would likely have welcomed the chance to do more. They had some martial arts training for their roles so a reasonable skill level could be expected. Ideally it would not be a classic martial arts fight, but an all-out, back alley brawl. Mazur and Jamie should have been given the opportunity to put on a great fight, getting back to basics.

A quick side-note. Too often, film-makers forget that the human face is the most expressive part of us. A display of emotion can be used to draw the audience into the fight, and make a commitment into caring who wins. This is especially so when a girl is fighting as a hero: you feel her pain as her enemy lands a blow, will her on as she strains for dominance, and enjoy with her the fierce pleasure of victory. This is something difficult to do when using stuntwomen, for obvious reasons: I have a lot of admiration for them, but feel in many cases they should stay in the background, helping with the fight chorography.

Troy (2004)
Sorry, Homer – they lost the plot.

The inclusion of this particular movie will surprise many, but think along the lines of, “girls who should have been armed and dangerous”, and I will explain. The movie’s publicity proudly claims that it is “inspired by Homer’s Iliad” – rather than based on – and the differences are too numerous to list here. So I’ll concentrate on those affecting my own topic.

Three of the strongest characters in the Iliad are female. It is the goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite who set the whole thing off, by arguing and then fighting over, a present addressed to “the most beautiful goddess” of them all. Zeus, all-powerful King of the Gods intervenes but is not prepared to pick a winner. The reason why is quite simple: he’s not stupid. He knows that the two he doesn’t pick, will resent it and even the most powerful being on the planet has no desire to face the fury of two such formidable females.

In a manoeuvre worthy of a politician, he delegates the decision to somebody else. Paris gets the job and all three try to bribe him. He chooses Aphrodite, who offers him any woman he wants, over the other two who only offer him power over men. He wants Helen, so she organises it – and from then on the mortals are part of a giant war game as the gods and goddesses interfere with what is happening on Earth.

[This is of course a very brief summary and will probably offend any scholar reading it! But it won’t matter to the filmmakers, since they eliminated the whole thing and started with the humans having free will. Hence, when things go wrong, it can no longer be blamed on “the will of the gods.” With all the powerful female characters eliminated, the ones left should step up to fill the void. The game is still on, but they are no longer pawns – they are queens, and should act accordingly. Not doing so, results in what I consider to be an absurd situation. Helen puts her own personal happiness over that of the fate of nations, but is not portrayed as being arrogant. You gotta be kidding – as Homer probably wouldn’t have said.

Then there is also Andromache, wife of Prince Hector to consider. She has a wonderful life until Helen arrives at Troy. Her husband will be the next King of Troy, she will be its Queen, and they have a baby they both love. But because of Helen, her husband is killed, Troy is destroyed and she and baby are forced to flee in fear of their lives. Despite this, not once in the whole movie does she get the least bit annoyed with the person responsible. I just don’t see how any woman destined to rule could be that much of a wimp. I think their first meeting should have been a moment of high dramatic tension – something which in the movie is sadly lacking.

At the welcome home reception, eyes meet across a crowded room, and it’s hate at first sight. Helen is being shunned by the women of Troy and knows she must deal with their leader. Unlike the others, Andromache does not turn from her gaze, but stares back defiantly. Slowly, menacingly. Helen moves towards the Trojan Princess. Hands on hips and eyes locked with those of her approaching nemesis, Andromache stands her ground – if the Spartan Queen is looking for a fight, she won’t need a map. It is Helen who speaks first. “How dare you treat me like this, Housewife of Hector. I demand the respect that I deserve.” “That is exactly what you are getting, Helen of Whores. You are not welcome here,” replies Andromache.

The Queen of Troy intervenes, reminding them that royalty does not brawl in public. They are both members of the same sisterhood and should take their dispute to the temple of their order. The girls agree and that night after suitable ritual and ceremony they duel with daggers, bare to the waist, until blood is spilt. After a spirited struggle between the two well-matched rivals, Helen overpowers her foe but chooses to deliver a small cut rather than a death thrust. The two fighters now have a mutual respect for each other and at the end of the movie, arm themselves with swords, and fight their way, back to back, out of the doomed city.

Okay, while this might be truer to the spirit of the original, I am prepared to concede that this version might be a little extreme for many, and that a compromise scenario would be needed for a mainstream audience. However, I’m sure that Diane Kruger and Saffron Burrows, the two actresses involved, would certainly have preferred some meaty dialogue. I found no indication from their body language that that they like each other, and may have welcomed the chance to get physical.

In addition, I also found their big scene together, after Hector is killed, most unrealistic. This is when Helen (Kruger) tries to comfort a sobbing Andromache (Burrows), although the logical person to comfort her is the Queen, who has just lost her son. I think most women in that situation would be more interested in clobbering the person responsible with a sword rather than getting a hug from them. There was a coldness about the embrace that suggested to me that they knew it was all wrong – and perhaps they would rather have fought.

On a more positive note I have seen many action movies in which a male/female partnership has worked well. This is especially true, if there is a chemistry between them, such as the combination of Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner back in the 1980’s. Romancing the Stone and Jewel of the Nile have a special, timeless quality about them, that also applies to my favourite movie of this genre, True Lies. While action packed from start to finish, it has enough humour in it to lighten the mayhem, so that it isn’t taken too seriously. Although it starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, I put a lot of its success down to having Jamie Lee Curtis (good girl) and Tia Carrera (bad girl), as his two leading ladies – not that there was anything very ladylike about the way they fought over a gun in the back of the limo!

Nor am I trying to suggest that this sort of movie is a thing of the past. I enjoyed the recent Van Helsing, and thought that Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale worked well together. In the near future I intend to see National Treasure with Nicholas Cage and Diane Kruger in the starring roles. So far I have only seen the trailer, but I have already seen her involved in more action than the whole of Troy. And that, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much brings me full circle, right back to missed opportunities.

Duel in the Desert: the aftermath

  By

The communiques below were written by the two sides which took part in a somewhat abortive roller derby match in November 2004 at Glendale Arena. For a report on the game, please see here – you’d really be better off reading that first!

Alotta Trouble’s response

Alotta whizzes past a fallen T-bird [Photo courtesy Wayne Kuban] Okay, so here’s what REALLY happened. Sorry I took so long. As you can imagine, I’ve not had much time to sit at my desk lately. Also, this is a very long letter, but I promise, it contains tons of interesting information.

For the last few months, the Landsharks and I have been training hard. We’ve been waking up at obscene hours and staying late nights training for a bout we hoped and expected to be a tough match. Over these past months, our team became a very close, tight knit, cohesive unit. We are all in the best shape of our lives. We cross trained at skate parks, in rinks, on our track, in the gym, and any other way we could think of (Camelback Mountain, swimming, you name it). Dave Martinez came out from California to work with us on tricks,stunts and how to correctly skate the track. We really stuck together and created a wonderful thing.

Meanwhile, back at the office, we were in full production of our event at the Glendale Arena. **Side note: Originally, we were going to have the bout at the Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the State Fairgrounds, but Glendale made us a smokin’ offer we couldn’t refuse. And who wouldn’t rather play in such a fancy house?

In almost daily conversations with TBird manager, Tim Olague, I was assured that the TBirds would be tough competition and threatened that we would most likely loose. From the beginning, I was frank and clear about the new style of Roller Derby we play. (Which is ironically more like the earliest versions of the game, before it was staged.) I made sure that Tim knew how we play.

** For those who don’t know much about new school Rollergirls, our game is played for real. We do not choreograph or plan a winner. We play tough, fast and hard. We keep our fighting to a minimum and do not pull cheap shots like tripping, hair pulling, punching, etc. Our game is a sport. We train like athletes. We use body and hip checking combined with skillful jumps, turns, whips and other moves. Our bouts are full on athletic competitions between tough, sexy women who take their game seriously.

So, for the past few months, Tim has been telling me that the “TBirds New Line-up” played in our vein. He said that they practiced together 3-4 times a week on Lou Sanchez’s banked track and later on their own banked track in their own training facility that was equipped with T.V. cameras and all kinds of multimedia equipment. He told me that they had new uniforms and a street team who were out all the time at events and getting press. Tim told me that he had all kinds of pictures and footage that I could use to add to our marketing…funny, no matter how many times I asked, he never produced. He promised me that with his connections to the Hispanic media, his girls would do interviews and appearances for the Hispanic community (who historically love Roller Derby). Tim told me that he had an Arizona Gaminglicensee and would place ads with the Native American Casinos and send his street team to pump them up. But most importantly, he assured me that the new TBirds were playing the Rollergirl game. In fact, he said that some of his girls were also Derby Dolls. NOTHING TIM OLAGUE SAID WAS TRUE. And because of his negligence, some very nice girls and women were unwittingly placed in a very dangerous situation.

Game day: The TBirds arrive at the Arena hours after we do and take the track for a work-out. Of course, we were up in the stands spying on them. L.A.’s posse consisted of 5 veterans over the age of 40 who had only played the staged version of the game. They also had 3 rookies who were teen-agers from the local skating rink. They also brought some of the rink’s jam/rhythm skating dudes along for color. They did not look like much competition, but the younger skaters were talking so much smack about their “incredible speed” that we went with it.

As the day went on, I got to talk to some of the teen-agers. They were nice kids. They told me that they had practiced together a few times, maybe 6 or 7 on the flat rink. Only Robyn Foster had been on the banked track and only a few times. They told me that they had never practiced all together as a team with the veterans. They said that Tim Olague had promised them a resort hotel and SUV’s to go around town in as well as new skates and new wheels. He told them they would be eating out in nice restaurants and get all kinds of cash. Needless to say, Tim came through with none of these promises. In fact, he had told the teen-agers that this would be a fixed game and not to worry.

Just before the game, I got together with Vicki McEwan, TBird Capt., Veteran Ref Don Lastra, New local Ref Mike Edwards and Tim Olague to discuss rules. We went over the basics… which are pretty universal and agreed that this would be a competitive game with no pre-determined winner. However, Mike, Don and I were all under the impression that Tim had filled Vicki and all the other vets in on our new, evolved style. He had not. Tim told them that we were playing their style minus the pre-determined winner.

Game time: Go Go Liz went out on the first jam. Well, we all know she is “the fastest derby girl in the west”. It was immediately evident that the TBirds were out gunned. After 90 seconds, they were winded and had trouble lining up for the 2nd jam within our allotted 7 seconds. Mayhemily went out on the second jam and was sacked by Stephanie Garcia who proceeded to pull Mayhemily kicking and screaming across the track on the floor by the hair. The refs and several Sharks worked at pulling Garcia off her and when they finally managed to, Garcia clutched a handful of Mayhemily’s hair. I took the 3rd jam. During this jam, I was put in a head-lock by 2 TBirds (I think one of them was Garcia) at the same time. Garcia also grabbed my dress at the neck line and pulled along as I skated. As the first period went on, I was kicked in the back of the knees, my hair and uniform pulled and my arms and legs were grabbed. The TBirds turned almost every jam into a totally stupid looking fake fight. Meanwhile, they were becoming so winded that they could barely line up between jams. By the 2nd period, the out of shape TBirds were taking their seats as much as they could. It was like all they knew how to do was taunt and cause fights.

Half Time: We were informed that the TBirds would not be returning for the 2nd 1/2. My husband Patrick (who built and owns our track) and I along with the refs went to the TBird dressing room to try to keep the game going. They accused us of committing all the fouls that they were so outrageously committing. The young girls said there was no way they would come back and get beat up. Sooooo, I went back out on the floor and challenged the dudes! Supposedly, the male entourage were all skaters, so bring ’em on! Well, that was a no go, they didn’t want to get spanked either.

Finally, the older women agreed to come out and finish what was left of the game. We all know the final score. There were about 1000 people in attendance, no thanks to the rain. We had over 100 people at the meet and greet and were lucky to make tons of new Derby fans. The crowd response was tremendous! We are only sorry that it was at the expense of some very nice people who, in his greed and negligence, Tim Olague really took advantage of.

The next day: Go Go Liz and I flew to California with Ref Don and Dave Martinez to play the Ralphie Valladarez game with the old schoolers. I was put on the Texas Outlaws and Go Go on the L.A. Stars. Ironically, my team Capt. was Stephanie Garcia. Several of the women who had played in AZ the night before were playing this game as well. Go Go and I went into it with the attitude that we were going to learn THEIR game. We were going to do what they told us to and just have fun. My team was AWESOME! They let me jam a whole bunch and get involved in lots of choreography. Sadly, Go Go’s team was not so cool to her. She was treated like an outsider and spoken down to. By the end, I was having a great time and she was fed up and bored. Really, we wanted to play with the men. Their game was much cooler than the womens’.(More than one Californian also told me that Tim was claiming our track belonged to him.)

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I still don’t feel like I even got a work-out. While both games were fun, it is evident that Roller Derby will not be held back. Young, strong athletes have risen to the occasion and evolved a game that has been stuck. Held back by the constraints of choreography. Performed by clowns. It’s time to move on…I can’t wait to play more Landsharks games with REAL competition. Somebody, please, come knock my ass down!

Feel free to send me any questions. I sure have learned a lot in the past few months. Believe me, this story could go on and on. I know one thing though, I love Roller Derby in all its forms and will SUPPORT ALL LEAGUES!

Sincerely,
Alotta Trouble
PHX Landsharks #911

P.S. Martines…thanks for all your help and encouragement. You are the man!

But wait! There’s more! The T-birds who were the visiting team then issued this press release…

An Official Response From The LA T-BIRDS

The LA T-BIRDS lodged a protest with Patrick Sheehan, the AZ contractor who designed and built the track, after he stormed into the T-BIRDS locker room full of half-clad women and stated, verbatim: “I put 80 (explicate) thousand dollars into this game and I will tell Celeste Cooper she cannot (explicate) cheat!”

Celeste Cooper then skated awkwardly (her natural, duck-like style) into the locker room and her “boyfriend” Patrick yelled at her (According to Patrick, Celeste is “only” is “girfriend” and not his wife, a comment he made to the beautiful T-BIRDS women after the game). Patrick told Celeste Cooper, “Celeste, I know now that you can’t (explicate) cheat!”

Thereafter, Tim Olague, spoke through the public address system, which was videotaped. Under the condition of protest and with the understanding that the Landsharks would stop cheating, the T-BIRDS agreed to skate the second-half under protest against Celeste Cooper, the promoter of the event, whose name is on the contract she signed with the T-BIRDS.

Recognizing that there is no official governing body which oversees inter league games, we may likely see the courts hosting some more bouts between these two teams. In addition, criminal assault charges may result out of outright unsportswomen-like criminal attacks by Celeste Cooper’s hired hands, her so-called AZ Landsharks team. After all, the NHL endorses criminal assault charges when one player ‘blindsides’ another, hits them with a stick, or God-forbid, strikes an opponent with a skate.

As for the game, first and foremost, the Landsharks did not skate by their own rules. Several witnesses who were at the so-called game had to endure a repetitive and silly video explaining the rules of the AZ Landsharks, not Roller Derby. According, to the Landsharks’ own rules, as demonstrated in the video, several obvious unnecessary roughness-type tactics, outright assaults, would not be tolerated. In addition, Celeste Cooper provided the T-BIRDS with a list of the AZ rules, which Landsharks completely ignored during the first half.

In fact, the video tape of the game, which Celeste Cooper is contractually obligated to produce, unedited, to the T-BIRDS organization, shows such assaults as pushing from behind, skating across the infield to ‘blind side’ a T-BIRDS skater, and kicking downed opponents in the head with a roller skate. To protect their personal safety, the T-BIRDS women elected to skate under protest in the first half by “allowing” Celeste Cooper’s team to skate past them. After all, there were children in the crowd whose parents told them they were going to see a Roller Derby game, not “ultimate fighting,” which is illegal in AZ. So the video will indeed be telling.

Additionally, the predominately T-BIRDS fans at the game (who couldn’t resist the traditional chant, “T-BIRDS, T-BIRDS”) spoke with their favorite T-BIRDS skaters during half-time, both in person and through cel-phones, proclaiming, “These AZ women do not know how to skate, when they fall down, they kick you with their skates, and when your not looking, they ‘blind-side’ you. This is not Roller Derby. Celeste Cooper skates like an awkward monkey.” [Note: I was at the game, and can state categorically, and without doubt, that the fans were not “predominately T-BIRDS”. Knowing this for a fact, severely damages the T-Birds’ credibility, with regard to their report of other events.]

Second, the track itself was unfinished. Indeed, at this very moment, Celeste Cooper, perhaps knowing that the man who denies her existence as his wife, permitted her skaters to use roller rink “toe-stomps.” Much of the video will show, T-BIRDS women skating on a NEGLIGENTLY designed track upon which Celeste Cooper contractees have to use their toe-stomps, since the track was way-too slippery for Roller Derby.

And that Rope for a rail? Again the videos exist, so do the many photographs, taken by T-BIRDS personnel. Patrick Sheehan is now convinced that he NEGLIGENTLY designed a dangerous track and contributed to the many injuries which will soon be made public. That’s why the man that denies Celeste Cooper’s existence as his wife has decided to “upgrade” his track and provide wooden rails, as opposed to ropes. The AZ Landsharks also had a move called, “rope her,” a haughtingly throwback to the days of lynching.

Robyn Foster, Denise Green and Pam Schwab were told by Patrick Sheehan that Celeste Cooper is not his wife. In other words, he totally denied his existence as a husband to a woman that the fans proclaim, skates like a “Chimp.” No doubt Patrick Sheehan is ashamed of Celeste Cooper and, moreover, was trying to “pickup” on T-BIRDS women.

As ultimate liars, the Landsharks had a chance to be honest just today. Tim Olague personally called Patrick Sheehan to advise him that he is aware of his “girlfriend’s Celeste” slanderous and libelous “spin” on the game. Tim Olague told Patrick Sheehan that the T-BIRDS spin would reflect reality, and that controversy is good for the game resulting in ticket sales.

However, when asked about the tape contractually agreed upon, which will show the UNPROFESSIONAL and NEGLIGENT skating of a bunch of stocky chicks that look unattractive in mini-dresses, Patrick Sheehan claimed Celeste Cooper owed money and she did not have a tape. Both the Glendale Arena and the TV crew at the game agree that Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper received a copy of the tape the night of the game.

Under contract to receive the unedited version of the tape, Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper, “friends” in Patrick’s eyes, “spouses” in Celeste’s, have undeniably elected to stomp like chimps and other ground-foraging creatures about the madness. The T-BIRDS predict, that Patrick Sheehan and Celeste Cooper shall never produce a tape because they know their team violated their own rules and are “True Losers.”

So when the bout resumes in the courtroom, we’ll hear more about Breach of Contract, Negligence, and Criminal Assault, not to mention Libel, Slander, and Tortious Interference with a Contract. The T-BIRDS record in a Federal Courtroom is well-known. Since the Celeste Cooper resides in AZ and she has engaged in interstate tortious activities, she’ll likely be summoned in accordance with Federal Jurisdiction.

Duel in the Desert

  By

Typical. Wait ages for one roller-derby league, then two start up almost after each other. Back in June, we wrote about AZ Roller Derby, but a schism arose almost immediately, disenchanted skaters breaking off into the Renegade Rollergirls. A third group also peeled off in another direction. The reasons are not relevant: here, we don’t take sides, especially if it increases our opportunities for femayhem. Regardless, almost-certainly-not-coincidence, two of these three had their first interstate bouts within a week of each other. [While some Renegade Rollergirls took part in the second of these, it wasn’t run by them – their debut is currently scheduled for January] Here’s a comparison shoppers’ guide to events…

November 6th, Surfside Skateland, Tempe. The original federation got their skates on first, sending out an all-star team selected from the home players, called the Tent City Terrors – the name is a tongue-in-cheek tribute to local sheriff Joe Arpaio, who is nationally known…either for being tough on criminals or an incompetent publicity-whore who relies on gimmicks, depending on your viewpoint. Their opponents were the Texas Rollergirls, a group who split off last year from BGGW/TXRD; they came to take on the Phoenix ladies on Saturday, then were going down to Tucson for a match again a southern Arizona all-star team on Sunday.

The venue for the first bout was Surfside Skateland, a place with both benefits and limitations: you can get very close to the action, but it’s not designed for spectator sports, and the only seating was three rows of folding chairs at each end of the rink. If you didn’t get there early, audience members either have to stand or sit on the floor down in front. And if you opt for the latter, you might end up with a roller-derby girl flying into your lap – I leave it to the reader to decide whether this is good! On the definite-plus side, concessions are cheap: a bottle of water is only a buck, where they were also offering $2 beers. However, I didn’t bother, since with it being an all-ages show and a small venue, you can’t take your beer back to your seat, but have to drink it in the designated area. Of the two MC’s providing colour commentary and announcements, one seemed to think that the louder he bellowed into the mic, the better it was: he was wrong. We were far from the only people cramming fingers into our ears and wishing for a high-velocity rifle.

This match consisted of three 20-minute periods, with bands providing entertainment during the intermision. I’m aware of AZRD’s origins on azpunk.com, and roller derby’s close ties to the music scene (which appear almost compulsory nationwide). But it still feels like a clumsy mix, and few people seemed the slightest bit concerned when a power outage brought the second set to a premature close. There was also a half-time raffle for sponsors’ goody-bags – the same guy won about three, making for a good investment!

As for the game itself…we got our butts kicked. The visiting girls were simply faster and tougher, as well as more experienced (roller derby in Texas dates back to TXRD’s creation in 2001), and this disparity was painfully clear from about five minutes in. The first brawl saw AZ captain Ivanna Spankin left looking for the number of the truck that just hit her, and by the end of twenty minutes, Arizona was behind 42-18. This huge lead rendered the rest of the contest almost irrelevant: the two other periods were closer, but by the end, Texas had racked up a three-figure point tally too large for the scoreboard to handle, winning 102-60.

This was a little embarrassing, especially since cameras from the Game Show Network were there to capture the event. However, it’s about par for Phoenix: last season, our baseball, hockey, NFL and basketball teams all ended up near-last in their leagues, so we’re getting pretty used to defeat here. :-( [The Texas team then went down to Tucson, and did a number on them too, 110-70] We were left hoping for a better showing two weeks down the line, when our local heroines were flying out to Austin, to take on the Lone Star ladies on their home turf, but still had an enjoyable evening.

November 12th, Glendale Arena. The following Friday, the Phoenix Landsharks took on the LA Thunderbirds at Glendale Arena. Originally built as a home for the Phoenix Coyotes ice-hockey team, this cost $180m and seats up to 18,000. However, with the current NHL lockout, there are suddenly a lot of blank dates to fill. Hence the unexpected presence of roller derby, with advance predictions of up to 5,000 in attendance – which I have to say, seemed more than a little optimistic.

We got tickets through a contact at the Coyotes (thanks, Marissa!) for $15; if we’d gone through Ticketbastard, and paid the “building facility charge”, “convenience charges” and “order processing fee”, a single ticket would have been $26.40. We battled our way across town, through both rush-hour traffic and torrential rain, and saw the arena rising up in the middle of nowhere – while it’ll eventually be the centre of a whole complex, for the moment, it’s a long drive if you want a restaurant. As is, you pay stadium prices ($3.75 for a bottle of water), but can take beer to your seat.

It’s the first time we’ve been there, since we’re not hockey fans – actually, we used to go to Phoenix Mustangs’ games, we’re just not NHL ticket price fans. But I digress. It’s an impressive venue, with good sightlines and plenty of space: we settled in, a few rows from the front with no trouble [the crowd was nearer 500 than 5,000] The first difference from AZRD was obvious: a banked track. As an engineering feat, it certainly beat two strands of ropelights duct-taped to the floor, though I have to say, it looked a little dangerous. The outside barrier was a rope running around pillars (see photo), and that was all there was to prevent a skater flying off, and onto the unyielding concrete floor.

As we waited, promo videos played on the scoreboard, an enormous device hung from the ceiling like a cannon on the Death Star. Bonus points for production values on these films, which explained the rules and introduced the players, as well as promos for their sponsors: Dickies, the Platinum Girlz promotional company, etc. We learned they were calling the venue ‘The Shark Tank’, which is a catchy name, and that the rules were basically the same; the only major difference was there’d be four periods, each of ten 90-second jams, rather than three twenty-minute periods. On the downside, there was no program, and merchandise was limited to one design of T-shirt. One wonders perhaps how quickly this event had been scheduled.

Generally, though: so far, so good. The two teams came out, were introduced to the crowd (Phoenix were missing their captain, Anita Cocktail, with a torn rotator cuff), and battle commenced. Which is where things got weird. For from about two jams in, it was clear that something odd had happened. Any semblance of competitive edge vanished from the LA team quicker than air leaving a burst balloon. Arizona scored four points; then five; then four more. They won the first period 25-3, and the second by an almost equally wide margin; we also saw one thunderous body check which, save for the quick actions of one cameraman, would have propelled a Thunderbird head-first out of the track onto floor. The body language and apathy of the visitors clearly showed they were extremely pissed-off about something. But what?

During the halftime interval, we were entertained by cheerleaders and a display of swordfighting. The latter was kinda lame, but the cheerleading was acrobatic, though for some reason, as they hurled each other fifteen feet in the air above the bare concrete, all I could think of was the sound of necks snapping like twigs. All told, at least it wasn’t mediocre bands, so we’ll take it. The home team came out, and we waited for the LA Thunderbirds to return. And we waited. And waited. Finally, after much to-ing and fro-ing, their captain came out and launched into a tirade complaining about the track being waxed, and unacceptable. This didn’t seem to make much sense – the home team had no obvious problems skating – and I wondered if this was all some carefully worked angle to try and generate some heat. Except, if it was, it made little sense, and wasn’t very well executed.

Finally, after about a 40 minute delay, mutterings from LA about injuries, and amid threats of the whole team being suspended from play for a year, enough Thunderbirds came back to skate a few lacklustre jams, to give the bout some semblance of closure (the final score was round about 66-6). I’ve not had any official explanation, but I subsequently heard that a lot of the LA team were veterans of the old-school of roller derby – we did note they lacked the florid skating names of the Phoenix team – where the action was more choreographed, and were expecting something similar here. When they didn’t get it, they were peeved; if you imagine two combatants, one anticipating a pillow fight, the other a full-contact karate bout, you can get an idea of the situation.

It was rather disappointing – and hence the advantage is clearly with the AZRD, as far as the Phoenix roller derby scene goes. Though I don’t blame the Landsharks themselves for the chaotic events; they handled themselves with dignity and can clearly skate. If the above story is indeed the case, the fault is partly with the Thunderbirds (when AZRD were getting their asses kicked, they tried harder), and partly whoever it was that set the bout up, without ensuring the two sides were playing the same game. I do think, however, that starting at an 18,000 seat arena was a mistake. Selling out a 300-seat venue would have been more effective at generating buzz, and Saturday night’s events may actually have set back roller derby in Phoenix more than they helped.

The above piece probably generated more feedback and interest than any article in gwg.org history. :-) We subsequently received an email from Celeste Cooper (a.k.a. Alotta Trouble, captain of the Landsharks), giving their side of the story, while the T-Birds issued a press release. Here are both. Most bizarrely of all, at the time of writing this footnote – November 22nd – the T-Birds website says they have accepted a Landsharks offer of a rematch in January. This again raises the possibility the whole thing was artificially fabricated to generate ‘heat’ and foment a rivalry. I’m still not convinced this is the case, however – if so, it was one of the most badly-bungled angles I’ve seen in all my years of watching ‘sports entertainment’. 28th November: Alotta Trouble denies any such rematch is scheduled, though the T-Birds website still says otherwise. At this point, I throw up my hands in bemusement, and move on…

Oh, and two weeks later, Texas completed their sweep over Arizona in the Austin matches, beating Tucson 79-38, and Phoenix 72-51.

Arizona Roller Derby: She-Devils on Wheels…

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Roller Derby is quintessentially American; like the drive-in, it’s rarely seen outside the US. And also like the drive-in, it began in the 1930’s, when Chicago’s Leo Seltzer combined two crazes: roller-skating and the dance marathon. His contest for couples, over 57,000 laps (the distance between Los Angeles and New York). drew 20,000 spectators in its opening week. The power of the concept was proven, but it took a few years for it to evolve into a contact sport – Damon Runyon, author of Guys and Dolls, helped Seltzer incorporate these elements, and also the change in aim from distance to the scoring of points.

The golden era of the sport began in the 1950’s, when television helped roller derby become popular in almost every state. However, the 1970’s saw it go into decline, and it has never recovered, despite attempts to revive it. Most recently, there was RollerJam, an exercise closer to professional wrestling and co-funded by TNN, that stumbled along despite the assistance of Leo Seltzer’s son, Jerry, and finally went under in June 2000.

A minor footnote in American pop culture? Perhaps. Yet it survives, with federations in Texas, California and even the Cayman Islands, not to mention here in Arizona. An impressive crowd, several hundred strong, turned up on a Saturday night and paid $10 to attend a double-header of roller derby, at Surfside Skateland in Phoenix. The Furious Truckstop Waitresses came up from Tucson to challenge the hometown Smashers, while the French Kiss Army took on the Bruisers. Women? Action? Violence? Naturally, we here at gwg.org wouldn’t miss that, and the chance to see what is perhaps the only contact sport played mostly by women.

A quick explanation of the basic rules, as played in AZ Roller Derby – they’re little changed from the ones created by Seltzer and Runyon back in the early days. There are two teams of five players. One from each side is designated the jammer, and these two start off a little way behind the other players. Their initial task is to make their way through the pack – the first to do so is the “lead jammer” and can end the bout at any point she deems tactically prudent (if she doesn’t, they last a maximum of two minutes).

After getting through, the jammers then lap the pack, and again approach it from behind. Only this time, they score one point for every opponent they pass. Which is where the fun starts, since the opposition is trying to block them, and their team-mates are trying to block the blockers, while also stopping the opposition’s jammer from passing them and scoring. A match consists of two periods, each lasting twenty minutes; most points wins.

The opportunities for violence are obvious, and are reflected in players who adopt nommes des guerre such as Mayhemily, Joan Threat [along with her cute-as-a-button little daughter, Kitty Ka-Boom, who had her own uniform], Kim Sin and Ann Ihilate. The creative imagination extends further: the Bruisers’ uniforms were patterned after nurses (down to the little white peak and red cross on their helmets), while the Furious Truckstop Waitresses were…well, work it out yourselves.

There are rules which stipulate the types of blocking allowed, but despite the presence of multiple referees, penalties seemed to be rarely enforced. Even when the occasional fight broke out – usually after one player took exception to a block by another – the referees stood back for a bit before interfering, realising that, in truth, this was what the bulk of the audience wanted to see. With helmets compulsory, odds were against any significant injury, and while one suspected everyone involved heads down the bar and has a drink afterwards, this does not reduce the guilty pleasure involved in the spectacle.

I was a little surprised to see a flat track, it was simply marked out on the surface of the rink with rope lights; the teams are working towards banking, and have weekly fundraisers at Ziggy’s in Tempe – including a spanking booth! For the moment, they make do and, regardless, the pace was fast and furious; while the skating ability on view was variable, these women are athletes, make no mistake about it. The best jammers, such as Sara Veza and Go Go Liz, slid through the pack like a knife through butter. Even rookies like ourselves could see the skill required, while perhaps not appreciating the subtle refinements of the sport. [Alright, “subtle” is stretching it. There’s a whole page on their website, with photos of the injuries players have received…]

Did find it hard to keep track of the jammers; they have a star on their helmet but, especially on the far side of the track, it’s hard to see. Maybe some kind of yellow/orange bib would work better? The scoreboard was often some way behind the action, though since the scorekeeper was hobbling around on a broken ankle, it’s hard to be too critical. And while the action was fast and furious when it happened, four 20-minute periods took 3 1/2 hours to complete, thanks to the lengthy intermissions. Entertainment therein was provided by a couple of bands, but given an audience reaction that could be described as ‘indifferent’ (and that’s being kind), they might be better off scrapping that, and getting everything done in two hours. Perhaps it’s just me – in Britain, a ninety-minute football game takes an hour forty-five, tops – but we were there for roller derby, and everything else was, inevitably, filed under ‘pointless distraction’.

However, we remained enormously impressed: as a mix of sport, entertainment and spectacle, it was a damn fine evening, and the effort the participants put in was clear to all. Oh, and for the record, the Smashers beat the Furious Truckstop Waitresses, in a contest that went right down to the wire, while the French Kiss Army staged a come-from-behind victory to defeat the Bruisers. We’re certainly up for the rematch next month!

[Postscript. Kim Sin, of the Furious Truckstop Waitresses, wrote in to say, “Cool story, but you failed to mention FTW is not part of AZRD; we are our own league of two teams in Tucson, Tucson Roller Derby, a non-profit organization. We work with AZRD, but are a totally separate entity.” And their website is at http://www.tucsonrollerderby.com]

Cape Fear: Action heroines, comic-book style

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While 2003 has been touted as the Year of the Comic-book Movie, those centred around heroines have been notable by their absence. Sure, X-Men 2, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Daredevil have then in supporting roles, but going by the example of the last-named, anyone expecting much is likely to be sorely disappointed. Elektra, one of the toughest, deepest, most twisted characters in comics history – at least in the Bill Sienkiewicz/Frank Miller incarnation – was reduced to little more than a simplistic sidebar of little relevance. Credit to Jennifer Garner for doing what she could, but it’s safe to say that we’re not awaiting the touted Elektra spinoff with anything more than a “that’s nice” level of anticipation.

Nor are we holding our breath for Catwoman, just this week rumoured to have Halle Berry in the title role previously linked to Nicole Kidman, Ashley Judd, and Michelle Pfeiffer. This one has been popping up ever since Batman Returns – I would be surprised if we saw it before 2005 at the earliest, since the studio is largely busy next year, and it seems likely to have lower priority than a new entry in the Batman franchise.

The reasons for the shortage may be cinema’s long memory. Attempts at comic-book heroines have largely proved dismal failures at the box-office – Supergirl and Brenda Starr are good examples. But, hey, the terrible disasters which were Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter didn’t stop them turning video games into movies. And the small screen has shown little such aversion, back to the days of Wonder Woman. Witchblade and Birds of Prey have recently found incarnations in television, albeit not without problems of their own. Danger Girl is currently rumoured to be the next one making the leap.

The situation is radically different in Japan, not least because manga, as their comics are called, are universally popular rather than being perceived as fanboy-driven. Comics go particularly in hand with anime, animation which may be cinema features, TV series or OAVs (Original Animation Videos) made for DVD or tape consumption. The last-named has been particularly kind to action heroines, with entries like Outlanders and Battle Angel, and one wonders if this might be a productive route forward in the West too. Despite the lack of direct conversions to hand out of Hollywood – though check out Comics 2 Film for updated info on whatever titles you fancy – a number of films do exist which have taken at least various aspects of comic-book style, and incorporated them into the end product. This has been with varying degrees of success, it has to be said, but here are a few of the more easily accessible.

  • Heroic Trio

    ★★★★★

    I usually start watching this in a sense of disbelief, since it’s certainly not the most immediately convincing of movies. However, there’s a point near the middle which has in quick succession an amazing action sequence and two revelations, one touching, one tragic, and I realise that I am, yet again, utterly buying into the characters, storyline and setting. Disbelief simply ceases to be an option, and by the end, I know why this is among my all-time favourites, not just in the action heroine genre, but among all cinema.

    While you can’t pin this down into any genre, it’s probably the intensity which carries the film. No-one does anything in half measures, be it love, hate, kidnap babies or eat their own severed fingers. The film captures the comic-book at its most primordial: good vs. evil, told in bold strokes and capital letters. SHAZAMM! “Evil”, in this case, is a demonic eunuch – looks male, sounds female – who is collecting baby boys whose horoscopes have them destined to be emperors, in order to rule and, er…the usual bad guy stuff. He is assisted by Invisible Girl (Yeoh), whom he has brainwashed into stealing an invisibility cloak from her inventor husband. It doesn’t work in sunlight, however, which is the only thing stopping our villain from executing his plan.

    For the forces of good, we have Wonder Woman (Mui), a policeman’s wife with a secret identity, and Thief Catcher (Cheung), a bounty-huntress who gets involved after she accidentally kills a baby while trying to lure the kidnapper out. She and Invisible Girl were childhood pals, and also knows that the three must join forces to have a chance of stopping the Big Bad. The casting is perfect: Cheung the perky optimist, Yeoh the tormented control victim, and Mui the calm and quiet wife with a secret. [There are suggestions the three represent China, Hong Kong and Taiwan – which is which, I leave up to you] Credit is also due to the rest of the cast, notably Wong as the wordless evil henchman, with a taste for self-cannibalism, small birds and a fatal flying guillotine.

    The action, choreographed by Chinese Ghost Story director Ching Siu-Tung is also spot on, though one suspect doubles were used for chunks. Particularly at the finale, there are times when the effects do over-reach themselves, and a little less ambition might have been wise. But the fact that everyone takes it completely seriously helps a great deal, though there are still question-marks over the plot: are the baby hostages safely rescued or not? At one point, Thief Catcher chucks a few sticks of dynamite into the villain’s nursery, saying the infants are hopelessly corrupt – not something you’ll see in any Hollywood movie! But at the end, the TV shows parents who look rather happier than you’d expect if they were being handed a plastic bag full of bits.

    Still, it’s not often a film manages to run the entire gamut of emotions. Inside 87 minutes, you get laughter, tears, moments both “awww” and “eugh – gross!” (that’ll be Anthony Wong), thrills, chills and enough flamboyant style to power several graphic novels. It wasn’t that big a hit at home, taking less than HK$10 million at the box-office (in comparison, the biggest Hong Kong film of 1993, Stephen Chow’s Flirting Scholar, took over HK$40m), but its cult status in the West is entirely justified. Be sure to avoid the horrific dubbed version though – indeed, be sure to avoid the horrific trailer too.

    Dir: Johnnie To
    Stars: Maggie Cheung, Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh, Anthony Wong

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  • The Demolitionist

    demolitionist-poster★★★½

    KNB are one of the best-known effects studios, having worked on movies such as Evil Dead 2 and From Dusk Till Dawn. With their background, one would have hoped they might have come up with a story that’s more than a shameless Robocop ripoff, but for a microbudget work (budget was only $1m, if I recall, and it was shot in 21 days), it’s not so bad. The cast are enthusiastic, and the film does a good job of capturing the desired comic-book style.

    Eggert plays Alyssa, a cop killed in the line of duty by Mad Dog (Grieco), who is then resurrected by Dr. Crowley (Abbott – his second appearance in this “cape fear” section!) as a bio-engineered crimefighter who years for her former life, but is obsessed with tracking down her murderers. Like I said: Robocop ripoff, right down to the satirical news-breaks, with references to ‘President Bono’. She even “dreams”, though the visions of hell that we see are, frankly, embarrassingly bad, and the middle act in general is sluggishly-paced.

    This is the kind of role for which Grieco was made – scenery-chewing to the max, although a certain amount of angst is understandable after your brother gets electrocuted via a puddle of urine (and, say what you like, that’s certainly an imaginative demise). Eggert is fine, and indeed shows more emotion than Abbott, who also tends to mumble his lines. Looks like a few horror favours were called in for the supporting cast: beside FX-god Savini, Heather Langenkamp (Nightmare on Elm Street) plays a journalist, and Bruce Campbell has an uncredited cameo. A good chunk of the bad guys are also played by KNB employees, which keeps the wages bill down, I guess.

    As you’d expect from a movie directed by the K in “KNB”, the physical effects are solid; I was particularly impressed with the blood squibs which explode as pink powder in a wildly unrealistic, yet very cool-looking, way. The heroine’s costume, gadgets and bike are also nifty, and the action is by no means badly-staged – though one suspects a fair bit of doubling for Eggert, despite her swinging a staff decently enough. It’s a shame resources ran out before they could film the climatic sword-fight between her and evil henchmen Savini.

    Largely, however, the lack of money and time don’t destroy the picture – the main black mark against it is the severe lack of originality, which isn’t down to financing. Making a low-rent version of what is widely regarded as a classic, is hardly pushing the boat out artistically, and any comparisons will likely be to the detriment of The Demolitionist. Rather than a nice idea, poorly executed, this is a poor idea, saved by solid execution.

    Dir: Robert Kurtzman
    Star: Nicole Eggert, Richard Grieco, Bruce Abbott, Tom Savini

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  • Black Scorpion

    ★★

    Roger Corman is a man without shame – and that’s in no way intended as an insult. He simply utilises any resource to the best of its ability, as is shown by the three versions he’s made of Not of This Earth, in 1956, 1988 and 1995. Black Scorpion similarly showcases his ability to take a thin storyline, basically little more than a Batman clone, and parlay it into two movies made for Showtime and a TV series. Even if the results proved steadily more lacklustre, such industry can only be admired. Present in the movies, but absent in the show, is former model Joan Severance, veteran of The Red Shoe Diaries, and she certainly cuts a striking figure – like most Roger Corman films, the film sells itself as much on the sleeve as plot, characters or talent. It’s your basic costumed vigilante, driven to operate outside the law following the death of a loved one, possessing cool gadgets and a neat car with which to fight crime.

    The main problem with this film is an inability to decide whether to take itself seriously; there’s no consistency in tone, not least between hero and villain. Darcy (Severance) plays it all dead straight in her role as a suspended cop, but the villain is a Darth Vader clone called The Breathtaker who, with his army of “wheezing warriors”, wants to make everyone in Gotha…er, the City of Angels breathe like him. Now, in Batman, Adam West also took it seriously, but with such an air of scenery-chewing to his deadpan, that it enhanced the whole effect. Here, the opposites cancel out, leaving something whose tone is decidedly herky-jerky. There are decent moments, however, a lot of them coming from Saturday Night Live original member Garrett Morris, who gets his performance just right as Darcy’s mechanic. He comes up with toys such as a computer that requires all commands to be prefaced with “Yo!” – more of this wit would have been welcome. We also liked the villain’s wrestling henchwomen who insisted on being tagged-in before they can fight.

    However, the movie stumbles badly out of the blocks, a lengthy prologue making for sluggish viewing. All the set-up would perhaps have been better off placed as flashbacks throughout, rather than in one lump at the start. We could then have got to the meat – Scorpion kicking butt – from the get-go, rather than having to wait 35 minutes for the titular heroine to appear. The action scenes are nothing special, save for the amusing way Scorpion’s high heels suddenly become flat whenever she is required to do more than stand still. Presumably her boots possess the same technology as her car, which mutates from a Corvette into a Porsche at the touch of a “Yo!” – they also, somehow, give her the ability to clear tall buildings with a single bound, proving that Corman’s collection of DC comics is broad indeed.

    Of course, the one area where Corman can actually surpass the Dark Knight is sex. Hence, two scenes in a strip-club (set on different days, but conveniently for the budget, with the same stripper on stage!) and the fanboy-service sequence of Black Scorpion, in costume, seducing her cop partner. Word is, it was actually performed by a body double, which seems odd given Severance’s previous history. While mostly plodding, the overall result is not totally dreadful, passing 92 tolerable minutes – though we were anaesthetising ourselves with plenty of rum-soaked pineapple throughout. However, there’s very little here to justify a sequel, or explain the need for a spin-off TV series; that we ended up with both, is proof of Corman’s talents in the field.

    Dir: Jonathan Winfrey
    Star: Joan Severance, Bruce Abbott, Rick Rossovic, Garrett Morris

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Jade Leung interview (1992 Eastern Heroes)

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[The following interview was taken from the now unavailable (as far as I know) Vol.2,#1 of ‘Eastern Heroes’ magazine, published in summer 1992. It’s occasionally cringe-inducing (Bey, if you’re going to chat up actresses, we don’t need to read about it in the transcript!), but has its moments. No copyright violation is intended, and it’s reproduced for informational and educational purposes only]

Bey Logan goes on a pussy hunt, and tracks down the ‘Black Cat’ herself, that sensuous, sexy and ever-so-slightly-psychopathic Jade Leung.

RAP ON A HOT TIN ROOF

My old mate Betty Chan was looking worried. “When we did the Black Cat press tour in Malaysia,” she confided, “Jade didn’t say anything…” This didn’t phase me a bit. I’ve met most of Hong Kong’s lethal leading ladies, from Michelle Khan to Yukari Oshima, and there was no way I was going to miss the opportunity to meet the latest winsome woman warrior. D & B’s Black Cat has yet to get a release in the U.K. In fact, it has yet to get a distribution deal, which just goes to show how slow the U.K video market is at the moment. More than a few of you might well be wondering what’s so special about the him, and its leading lady. Trust me. Black Cat boldly goes where no H.K femme de la fureur flick has gone before, and the precious Jade is a Miss with a hit…

Luc Besson’s slick French thriller La Femme Nikita was a surprise success worldwide. The movie tells the tale of a psychotic Parisian street punk, played by Anne Parrillaud, who is drafted by a secret department of French Intelligence (if that’s not a contradiction in terms) to perform covert assassination missions. In the course of the film, the Nikita of the title suffers to the point that she is redeemed of her past sins, and finds a kind of freedom.

Many critics were stunned at the way Besson used a woman as a viable action hero. Clearly, they had never seen many of the Hong Kong hyperthrillers, films that prove time and again that a Yellow Widow is just as deadly, and that hell really has no fury like a woman’s scorn (or sidekick, for that matter). There’s nothing new about Chinese film-makers ‘borrowing’ the plot from a western movie, as D & B did when they lifted the Nikita storyline to make Black Cat. Previously, though, such transitions have tended to beef up the stunts ‘n’ guns ‘n’ gung fu content, while avoiding the kind of nudity and sexual situations commonplace in the west and in Japan. Just compare Killer’s Romance or Dragon From Russia with their original, the animated Crying Freeman! Black Cat, on the other paw, marks the first time that a Hong Kong movie has adapted a western tale and added an element of sensuality to the tale!

In the U.K, ‘Category 3’ is a kind of prisoner. In Hong Kong, it’s a kind of film that contains nudity, on-screen sex and obscene language. These three elements have been stocks in trade for Hollywood since the days of Cecil B. DeMille but, oddly, seeing at there are so many of the buggers, Chinese people seem to have been rather puritanical about reproducing reproduction. Until now. In the last year, ‘Category 3’ has leapt to the fore, spearheaded, in fact double spearheaded, by the extraordinary success of one Amy Yip, an actress who makes Dolly Parton look like Shelley Duvall, a woman who seems to have taken delivery of a pair of Scud missiles with the same subtlety with which Iraq received its Supergun barrel. Known far and wide as the ‘Dai (Big) Balls Queen’, Amy is a much-loved figure of fun. However, the raunchiness of some of this Mae East’s vehicles have paved the way for more mature treatments of adult sensuality in Hong Kong action pictures. A prime example of this new genre-within-a-genre is Black Cat.

“She’s very shy”, observed Betty, for the umpteenth time, as we awaited the arrival of the Divine Ms. Leung. Betty Chan, I should explain, is the luckless D&B P.R. person who gets lumbered with taking care of my every whim when I go on the beat in Kowloon. Previously, she had fixed up interviews for me with the likes of Cynthia Khan and Donnie Yen. Perhaps she was worried that my straight ahead, no-holds-barred, National Enquirer q-and-a technique would unnerve poor Jade. I feared not. Along with my usual wit and charm, I had a secret weapon. I speak French, and so does Jade Leung. Would this be enough to ensure a frank and meaningful exchange of ’phone numbers…um…views? Read on….

BEY LOGAN: Est ce-que ce tres difficile pour tourner les cascades dans votre premiere film d’action ?

JADE LEUNG: Oui, c’est tres difficile, mais j’ai… Ai-yah! Your French is better than mine! Let’s talk in English and Cantonese, please!

BL: Okay Jade, you just made your first action film….

JL: It’s my first film of any kind!

BL: So you were in at the deep end in terms of doing fights and stunts. What was your background prior to doing Black Cat?

JL: I’m from Hong Kong. I went to Switzerland for about four years. I was studying there. I came back to Hong Kong in 1990, and went to work as a model.

BL: What were you studying in Switzerland?

JL: How to speak French, but not too much! I stayed in a Chinese restaurant there, so I wasn’t always speaking French. Also, I studied fashion design.

BL: It’s a real jump from that to being an action film femme fatale. How were you discovered?

JL: At that time, (director) Steven Shin started looking for a new actress to star in this film, Black Cat. They had the script already. Then, a friend of Steven Shin introduced me to him, and he picked me out of two hundred girls who auditioned for the part. All the girls in the modeling agencies cast for the film.

BL: Why do you think they picked you, out of two hundred other beautiful girls?

JL: I think I had a certain ‘look’ they wanted, and also I am very strong! My style was suitable for Black Cat.

BL: Most performers pay their dues with small roles in films before becoming big stars, yet here you were with a starring role right of the bat. It must have been quite a challenge for you. Were you nervous before you started shooting?

JL: A little bit, but I liked the character of Black Cat, of the girl, so I feel I can accept the challenge.

BL: What kind of training did you have to undertake to prepare for the film?

JL: I did about three months training in Chinese kung fu, reactions, falls, weight training and so on. It was very hard!

BL: Obviously you carry off the action in the film very well, but, given the quality of the Chinese action directors, that probably wasn’t as hard as pulling off the acting side of the part. Did you have any acting lessons?

JL: No. Not one. On the set, the director prepares me and shows me how to act.

BL: A lot of people have said that Black Cat is very similar to La Femme Nikita. Est-ce-que tu connais cette filme?

JL: Oui. Je connais. I think that our Chinese film and this French film are not the same. The story has some similarities, but the way the story is told is different. Also, I think I play the character differently from the way the actress plays Nikita…

BL: You’re certainly a lot prettier than Anne Parrillaud…

JL: (giggling): Merci beaucoups!

BL: Both films are highly stylised in terms of the action and the violence, which is another reason people might compare them. Black Cat is a intense movie, and your character in it is a very extreme one. Do you find it easy to come off that level of intensity, or do you come off the set, go home and beat up the boyfriend?

JL: When I finish filming, I’m too tired to beat up anybody! The whole production took only one and half months to shoot. So my schedule was very tight. I’m in virtually every scene, so I didn’t have many rest days. Out of forty-five days, I worked every day! Sixteen hours for one day, I work! As you know, the film is set in Canada, in Hong Kong, in the U.S and in Japan, so, in each country, we have a different crew. However, in every country, I’m still working every day, with no rest!

BL: In the film, your character is a ruthless killer, but, in person, you’re obviously very nice and quiet and normal. How do you generate that kind of assassin mind set?

JL: That’s what acting is all about! I like acting, and I really liked the fact that the character was so extreme. It made it more fun! Sometimes, the girls in Hong Kong films are just there for the hero, you know?

BL: On-screen and off from what I hear…

JL: I loved playing such a violent role. It’s a real change for a girl in a Hong Kong movie.

BL: So how did you perfect your ‘mean’ look for Black Cat?

JL: Before shooting, I look in the mirror and try for the right expression. Then, when we’re filming, I try to remember how that look feels.

BL: Were you injured during filming?

JL: Everywhere except my face was injured.

BL: How they can beat upon such a beautiful body… (Jade giggles.) When you see the film now, which is your favourite scene?

JL: I like the first part very much. Everything until we go back to Hong Kong. You have seen the film?

BL: Yes. Betty screened it for me the other day. How was it working with my old friend Simon Yam? I made a film with him in England.

JL: He’s very good. He’s a good actor, and he taught me a lot. He’s like my big brother!

BL: He’s a cool guy…

JL: No. No. He’s very nice. He’s a very sweet guy. Actually, I think every girl is attracted to him.

BL: Yes. I meant he looks cool! Everyone knows Simon is really a pussycat. When you’re not filming, what do you like to do?

JL: I go to the gym every day, to work out for about two hours. Otherwise, I stay at home and watch videos or listen to music.

BL: You know, that’s exactly what Jackie Chan says he does when he’s not working! And we all think you guys have such wild lifestyles… One reason that Black Cat has become so notorious so fast is that its one of the first of this new kind of Category 3 action film. It’s mature in the way that an American action film is. How does it feel to be the symbol of this new wave of Chinese action actresses?

JL: It’s different from the kind of female action heroes we have had before, like Michelle Khan and Yeung Ly Tsing. So far, I’m the only one who can do this, and be a kung fu star and, I suppose, some kind of sex symbol. It doesn’t worry me at all. It was such a great part in Black Cat, but I know I can go on to play different kinds of roles.

BL: I know the nudity in Black Cat is still very low key compared to an American film, but it must still be quite difficult to do, especially in a Hong Kong movie, where mainstream films tend to be so puritanical with regard to the female form.

JL: I didn’t do the nude scenes deliberately to shock people, or to make my name. They were part of the script and I knew that when I accepted the role. As I’d been a model before, I’m not too self-conscious about my body, so I didn’t find it too embarrassing. Also, it was shot very discreetly. Also, Thomas Lam, who plays my lover in the film, was very gentle. You know the scene in the jacuzzi? He says to me before filming: “Okay, in this scene, I act like your boyfriend, and then, afterwards, we just forget about it.” He was very professional, and that helped a lot.

BL: I think that viewers in the West might be a little disappointed if they expect some hard raunch in Black Cat, because it really is very soft…

JL: Will it be the equivalent of a Category 3 when it’s released in Britain?

BL: Yes, but for the violence, not for the nudity or sexual situations. We get stronger stuff on TV over there. Jade, what will your next film be?

JL: Probably Black Cat 2.

BL: What a startlingly original title! I believe you’re signed to a six year contract with D&B…?

JL: Yes.
BL: And how old are you now?
JL: Twenty-two.

BL: Wow. Do you have a set number of films each year in your contract?

JL: Three films a year.

BL: Three films a year for six years! We’re going to be seeing a lot of you, and hopefully in more ways than one…

JL: (giggling): You’re bad!

BL: What was the funniest thing that happened during the shooting of Black Cat?

JL: Well, you know the scene where Thomas and I aim rolling aroundon the table? The kissing scene? We n.g. (no good shot) over thirty times! We kept rolling out of shot of the camera. Afterwards, both our lips are really red, from my lipstick!

BL: I think he was n.g.-ing on purpose. What kind of films do you like to watch? Chinese or American?

JL: American movies.
BL: Who’s your favourite American actor or actress?
JL: I like Julia Roberts very much…

BL: Really? I hear she may be playing the lead in the American version of Nikita. So, something you have in common with Julia Roberts!

JL: I don’t think of Black Cat as the Chinese version of Nikita…

BL: Well, a lot of people do. Amy Tsui (wife of director Tsui Siu Ming) was telling me that they planned to make a Chinese version of I.a Femme Nikita, but that they abandoned it because you guys got there first! (Jade’s pager beeps for the the umpteenth time during the interview) You know, for someone who’s not working at the moment, you get an awful lot of pager messages. Must be all your boyfriends…

JL: No, it’s not my boyfriends!

BL: Well it ouqht to be! Seriously I wouldn’t worry about Black Cat being compared with Nikita. It stands up surprisingly well, and I think you should worry more if Nikita had been a bad movie. If you could work with any director in Hong Kong, or any actor, who would it be?

JL: I would like to do a film with the actress Gong Li, you know, from Raise the Red Lantern?, and with her boyfriend, the director Chang Yee Mo. They’re both from Mainland China, and I really like their work.

BL: A real jump from Black Cat to Raise the Red Lantern! Which American director and actor would you like to work with?

JL: Al Pacino, Julia Roberts and, for director, Martin Scorsese!

BL: The Black Cat, the Pretty Woman, the Godfather and the director of Goodfellas and Raging Bull… That’s going to be quite a movie! You do some kung fu fighting in Black Cat. Have you kept that up since the movie?

JL No. Like most action actors here, I just learn on the set. Actually, for movies, you don’t need to go to a kwoon and learn from a sifu, but, if you want to fight for real, then you have to do that. Right now, I just go to the gym to do weights…

BL: What’s the Jade Leung Workout consist of?

JL: Swimming, to build up muscle tone, and aerobics, to lose weight, then all kind of weight training exercises to tone my muscles. All kind of things!

BL: Most Hong Kong actresses have pretty bad reputations in terms of their private life. Are you aware of this, and do you take steps to avoid it?

JL: I have my own lifestyle. I don’t care what other people do. I do my own thing!

BL: So a second Black Cat movie is definite?

JL: I think so, yes. We hope to shoot part of it in Russia. We should start early next year.

BL: Would you like to came to England some’ to meet all the fans you’re going to have after Black Cat is released?

JL: Yes. I’d love to come to England and I’ve never been there. I plan to come over next year, because I want to improve my English

BL: We could run a competition in the the magazine ‘Adopt Black Cat For A Month’. The winner could have you stay with them, and they could teach English! Good idea?

JL: (giggling): Yes! Great! You’re crazy..!

BL: So they tell me. Jade, good luck with Black Cat 2, and thanks for taking time out for this interview.

JL: Thank you very much.

(Thanks to D’n’B’s Betty Chan for her usual gracious assistance, and to the Kowloon Sheraton for, as ever, playing host to my rap session with Deeb’s latest lethal lady.)