36 Husbands


“Save yourself!”

I have so many questions. Not the least of which would be, how the hell is this ranked a 7.3 on the IMDb? I do note a sharp division among the sexes: male voters gave it a 3.3, while women an 8,3. What can I say? I now know the meaning of the phrase, “Bitches be crazy.” It did, however, cause me to consider my opinion on one topic. There is a school of thought which says that films that intentionally try to be bad, cannot succeed. In the past, I’ve tended to disagree: the Sharknado franchise, for example, certainly has its moments. However, this is a good counter-argument; it’s not just trying to be bad, it strains towards its goal like a constipated elephant – and with much the same end result.

The problem here is, the makers seem to think that to make a parody, you simply have to be worse that what you’re parodying, and that’s where their invention stops. “Look at how shitty we are! Isn’t that funny?” No. No, it’s not. The target here appears mostly to be sixties spy-films, with three heroines (Pasch, Bianchini and Nourney) trying to stop – or at least, delay – World War III, through methods that are almost entirely unclear. Yet I’m really not sure tismakers have ever seen an example of what they’re supposed to be parodying. They possibly just suck at film-making, though I’m sure they and their pals had a fine time globe-trotting to make this.

I’m not sure which are the worst elements. A smugly self-indulgent script which is simply too damn meta for its own good. Line delivery from the three leads that could be improved by replacing them with a text-to-speech program. Or the cringeworthy musical numbers which seems to have escaped from open mic night at your local college coffee house. The makers appear to have a group called Bright Blue Gorilla, whose songs are about as terrible as you would imagine a group with that name to be.  Actually, my mistake. It’s the kung-fu. Definitely the kung-fu: feeble wet-noodle limb-waving, which makes Honey West look like like Michelle Yeoh’s greatest hits. And they don’t even have an ocelot here.

My brain shut down after 20 minutes and I had to physically step away. When I resumed, the rest was little improvement though I will say, the use of one actor to play triplets was surprisingly well-done. If only the rest of the film had remotely approached that standard. I gave serious consideration to simply bailing, and pretending the whole thing did not exist. But if the existence of this review manages to save one person from making the same mistake as I did, then my sacrifice will be worthwhile. So, I persisted, right through the eight-minute credit crawl, including what seems like a picture of every single person involved in the production. Further proof, as if any were needed, confirming the largely vanity nature of this project.

Dir: Michael Glover
Star: Christa Pasch, Roberta Bianchini, Nadine Nourney. Dominic Anglim

A Call to Spy

★★★
“Life during wartime”

There’s no denying the extraordinary bravery shown by female agents in Britain’s Special Operations Executive during World War 2. Largely operating in occupied France, they coordinated sabotage activities, ran communications and generally did everything their male counterparts did. The risks they ran were certainly no less, with about one in three not surviving. We’ve previously had a few articles about them, both fictional depictions such as Wish Me Luck, and more factually oriented accounts, like Enemy of the Reich: The Noor Inayat Khan Story. This occupies a middle ground. The characters are real: SOE agents Khan (Apte) and Virginia Hall (Thomas) – an American with, I kid you not, an artificial leg – and Vera Atkins, the woman who recruited and ran them. But it takes a dramatic rather than a documentarian approach. 

I think my knowledge going in probably slightly weakened my appreciation for the film. Knowing the stories of Khan and Hall, and their eventual fates, largely robbed this of much tension. However, there is still a good deal to enjoy. This may run 124 minutes, but it never drags, maintaining a solid pace throughout. Indeed, perhaps too solid; you could argue for a lack of escalation, the film having nothing identifiable as a climax. That doesn’t stop it from being consistently entertaining, anchored by a trio of good performances. Katic, sporting an impressive English accent, is perhaps the stand-out as Atkins. She has to deal not just with the chauvinism inherent in the era, but also having her loyalty questioned due to her background as a Romanian Jew. Anti-semitism at the time was not confined to the continent.

The bulk of the drama comes from the other two, and the contrast in personalities could not be more marked. Khan has the near-perpetual look of a deer caught in headlights, while Hall, in her cover as a journalist, possesses a calm assurance. However, they both prove to be equally good at buckling down and getting the job done, dodging danger and almost certain death, in the form of the Nazis, on an almost daily basis – something the film certainly puts over. Stylistically, in some ways it almost feels like a two-hour long montage; there are not many extended scenes to propel the narrative, with instead, sequences cutting together the two women’s lives in occupied France.

It’s still effective, and may have been needed to work around the need for some tampering with timelines. It’s not obvious that less than four months passed between Khan landing and being captured, while Hall spent more than fifteen months in action, before having to flee over the Pyrenees into Spain (not the easiest of treks, given her disability). These and other cinematic conceits are forgivable, and all told, this is respectable enough, and very respectful of its heroines. I tend to think though, that this may be a case where the facts are more impressive than any fiction could ever be,

Dir: Lydia Dean Pilcher
Star: Sarah Megan Thomas, Stana Katic, Radhika Apte, Linus Roache

Agent Elite

★★½
“Aus-tomatic weapon.”

When she was very young, the parents of Alex (Karpati) were killed by Lester Casey (Richards), on the orders of the shadowy organization for whom both he and her father worked. She was adopted by them, and brought up, trained in a variety of lethal arts, to become a perfect weapon. However, her mentor, Montgomery Lomax (Grillini), also instilled in her an unwelcome sense of right and wrong, and when he dies, she goes on the run from the organization. After defeating the agents sent to take her out, they use that moral compass to entrap Alex, and bring her back under their control. Brainwashing ensues. Whether it will stick, and the consequences if it doesn’t, are to be determined.

Initially, this isn’t bad. You have to accept the conceit that, having spent so long creating Alex as an operative, a clandestine group would simply write her off on the basis that, and I quote, “Retrieval and debriefing are time consuming.” Oh, like the seventeen years you spend training her weren’t? Similarly, despite knowing what she’s capable of, they waste further time and resources, sending operatives after her, one by one. Still, we’ll take it, since Karpati clearly knows her way around a punch, even if appreciation of her skills is hampered, rather than enhanced, by the over-active camerawork. I’d also have preferred actual blood and head-shots over the dubious, if enthusiastic, CGI we get here.

However, it keeps moving and there’s no shortage of action, so is entertaining enough. I’d not have minded seeing what else Karpati can do, but looks like she hasn’t appeared in any released feature-films over the eight years since this was completed. Seems a bit of a pity. Unfortunately, things get rather derailed after her capture, re-programming and subsequent release. This requires Karpati to act, and it almost feels as if her heart isn’t in it. She is, however, miles better in the drama department than Dane (Matheson), the guy she bumps into at the laundromat, and with whom she begins a relationship. His performance is so bad, it’s positively a distraction during ever scene in which he appears.

The plot somehow ends up with Alex being captured by some Islamic fundamentalists, albeit only temporarily and to their ultimate demise.  Though this comes about so quickly, it feels as if there was a missing reel in the picture. One minute, she’s having a chat with herself in the mirror (a scene which is actually quite nifty, in a Gollum kinda way), about the best way to dispose of someone. The next we see of her, she’s dangling like a piñata in a warehouse, supposedly in the Pakistani province of Waziristan. Wait, what? Naturally, it all ends with her facing off against Casey, after she discovers what he did to her parents. Another problem is, this finale is both obvious and its execution provides no sense of escalation, action-wise. The first half sets relatively high expectations on this front, that the second half all but abandons, and certainly doesn’t match.

Dir: James Richards
Star: Naomi Karpati, James Richards, Mirko Grillini, Chris Matheson
a.k.a. Agent Provocateur

The Spy

★★★½
“Don’t expect any applause. That doesn’t exist in our line of work.”

I guess the moral here is that things aren’t necessarily as they appear, and the truth can take quite some time to come out. After World War II, Norwegian actress Sonja Wigert was largely shunned, her career going downhill because she was seen as having fraternized with the German forces that had occupied Norway. She died in 1980, largely forgotten. But in 2005, it was revealed that Wigert (Berdal) had actually been operating as a spy on behalf of the Swedish government, who were very much concerned the Nazis had their country next on the list for invasion. Her “collaboration” was actually the actress using her fame to get close to high-level officials like Reichskommissar Josef Terboven (Scheer), and get information from them. This film is her story.

However, these already murky matters are complicated by several further factors. There’s an agent, ‘Maria’, working for the Nazis, and passing them information, who must be identified and stopped; Sonja’s “real” relationship, with Hungarian diplomat, Andor Gellért (Chapelle); her father’s incarceration at the hands of the Germans; and, last but not least, Terboven’s request that she become a spy for the Nazis, feeding them information on Sweden. After some early wobbles, the film’s script does a good job of keeping all these elements in play, without collapsing into the over-complex mess sometimes seen in the spy genre. It’s also nicely nuanced, with Wigert initially trying to remain neutral, until circumstances, in the shape of her father’s arrest, force her into getting off the fence.

There begins a very dangerous game – though as an actress, used to playing a role, Sonja seems well-equipped to it. [I was reminded of John Le Carre’s The Little Drummer Girl, which also saw a thespian recruited into becoming a spy] Berndal, who previously made a good impression here as the villainess in Escape (Flukt), does another good job in a rather more sympathetic role as a reluctant secret agent. I’d like to have seen rather more about the tradecraft involved in her work. There are times when her actions seem almost to be too easy, with the security of the Nazis being close to non-existent, as she swans in to offices, and takes snaps of documents. I know a pretty face opens doors, but still…

There are points where it seems to be considerably more concerned with the relationships between the characters: the spy thriller as soap-opera, perhaps? In particular, the Sonja and Andor thread perhaps gets a bit more time than I’d like it to have received. However, it still managed to hold my interest, rather better than those couple of sentences might sound! The performances and period detail both have a ring of authenticity to them, and it’s a sobering reflection of a time where people sometimes had to make sacrifices without recognition. [Sonja’s handler says the lines at the top to her near the end] Sometimes, secrets go to the grave with those who hold them.

Dir: Jens Jonsson
Star: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Damien Chapelle, Alexander Scheer, Rolf Lassgård
a.k.a. Spionen

Aesop by Michele Packard

Literary rating: ★½
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆½

Matti Baker has always been… unusual. She was adopted as a child, and subsequently discovered her mother was an FBI special agent who died while giving birth to Matti on a mission. She breezed through high school, and after graduation, began training to become a contractor for a private agency, carrying out “special” tasks, under the (rather vague, and entirely deniable) auspices of the US government. On successful completion of the four-year course, Matti begins missions, such as neutralizing terrorists. She also meets Tom, who becomes her husband and they have three kids – triplets born on September 11, 2001. But, in 2015, the tables are turned, and Matti becomes the target for some highly-motivated and thoroughly unpleasant enemies, who are seeking vials in her possession, and won’t take “No” for an answer.

This is definitely a slog. The vials, for example, are mentioned early on, as having been passed down to Matti by her mother. Yet they are then entirely forgotten for a good twenty-five years. Then, two-thirds of the way into the book, she’s captured and immediately interrogated about their whereabouts. I had, literally, completely forgotten about them by that point, since they were barely mentioned. “We can get to the vials in a sec,” it says on page six. Doesn’t happen. We never do discover what they’re supposed to contain, what their importance is, or why an FBI special agent thought it would be a good idea to bequeath them to her ten-year-old daughter. Given their position at the heart of much of the plot, this seems unforgivable.

The style is equally clunky. It relies heavily on a long series of pop-culture references to music, movies and TV shows. In the course of less than half a page, we get all of the following:

  • I swear I felt like he was thinking about that Nine Inch Nails Closer song as he stared at me.
  • I felt like Olivia Pope in Scandal.
  • Just like in The Italian Job, we had orchestrated every little detail.

These get shoehorned in there, because… Actually, I’m not sure why: we’re not talking obscurist entities that will prove the author’s street-cred. I speak here, as someone who likes Nine Inch Nails. Other sections obsess over interior decor in a way that feels more like house porn. Then again, everything in Matti’s life, for her husband and children through to her pair of impeccably-trained attack dogs, are utterly perfect in every aspect. Why should her living quarters be any different?

The characterizations here, in particular the heroine, all really come over as little more than wish-fulfillment, with a leading lady who appears to possess no weaknesses, flaws or faults – in other words, anything which might make her interesting. The term “Mary Sue” gets bandied about quite a lot with regard to action heroines; probably a little too frequently. However, this may be one of the cases where it deserves to be applied.

Author: Michele Packard
Publisher: Independently published, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
1 of 3 in the Aesop series.

Eye for an Eye (2019)

★★
“The little engine that couldn’t.”

Stacey Anderson (Sturman) is an agent for the CIA. When an operation in Tunis goes bad, she is blamed, and the intelligence which was supposed to have been collected – a complete list of Russian assets – goes missing. Stacey is disavowed by the organization, and dumped out, with a new identity. Five years later, she’s a saleswoman for a PR company, and her boyfriend, Ken (Haymes) has just proposed, when Stacey’s old life comes back to haunt her. An assault on her workplace shows that someone clearly believes she knows more about the list than she admitted. She is forced on the run, with Ken, while she tries to figure out whether it’s the Russians, or a rogue faction within her former employers. Fortunately, this wasn’t entirely a surprise, and Stacey is quite well-prepared. Less expected: having to take her new fiance along with her.

The script here is actually quite good, with a number of twists and turns I did not see coming, particularly at the end. However, this is one of the cases where a film has aspirations which are massively beyond what it is capable of delivering. This is clear from the get-go, when the drone strike which almost kills our heroine in Tunis, is depicted with really bad digital effects. Unfortunately, that sets the tone for what is to follow, with the production unable to deliver a convincing version of the explosions, gun-battles or blood squibs necessary to the plot. Even some of the rooms appear to have been done with green-screen work which fails to convince. The non-digital stuff is nothing to write home about either, and the makers perhaps should have gone with a stunt woman for the lead. Sturman gives it her all, bless her heart, but considering the frequent need for physicality in the role, it’s a character which really needs somebody like Amy Johnson or Zara Phythian.

The pacing also seems to lag badly in the middle. The opening set-up is, for all its flaws, put together quite effectively (though do the CIA really have formal “disavowal” speeches?”), and as mentioned, the ending delivered some sharp twists in regard to Stacey, not the least being her background. In between those though, it didn’t seem to know what to do with itself. This is the kind of movie that I really wanted to like, since it seemed a project made with some passion, rather than a by-the-numbers studio product. However, there is only so far that passion and heart can take you. The technical aspects – such as audio in some sequences which sounds like it was recorded underwater – are a very significant distraction from its entertainment value. It may have worked better if they had cut their cloth to fit their resources; sitting on the shelf next to far more polished productions, the comparisons are obvious and not to this movie’s benefit.

Dir: Stephen Lambert
Star: Alex Sturman, Clayton Haymes, David Chattam, Shirley Dalmas
a.k.a. Patriot: A Nation at War 

Scarlett

★★½
“Better red than dead.”

I was looking forward to this one quite a bit. Lyde is no stranger to these pages, having a track record of low-budget action heroines to his name: Survivor, 626 Evolution and a couple of entries in the Mythica franchise, including the best of them, Mythica: The Iron Crown. The star here, Melanie Stone, was also a big part of Mythica, where she played Marek the necromancer, so I was excited to see what their reunion might bring. And… s’okay, I suppose. In particular, you will need to be in a very forgiving mood as far as the plot goes. The heroine is Scarlett (Stone), a nursing student at odds with her father, Cal (Krause), a single parent who keeps her on a tight leash and has trained Scarlett in all manner of unusual skills, from martial arts to pursuit evasion. For we know, and Scarlett doesn’t, that her father is a globetrotting spy, who is concerned his pigeons might come home to roost one day.

Turns out, he’s right to worry, and he is kidnapped by people who want a bioweapon he is holding, so they can sell it to the highest bidder. Scarlett has to turn her skills to practical use, locate the people who abducted her father and release him. Except, her first attempt instead frees Sean (McConnell), an associate of her father who had also been kidnapped by the bad guys. Somewhat reluctantly, he teams up with Scarlett as her investigation brings her ever closer to a face-off where she’ll exchange her father for the vial of bio-nastiness. One of the numerous problems with the story is, the twist in the second half is blatantly obvious. I’m usually easy to fool, but spotted it quickly. Even worse, Chris wandered in about half-way and within five minutes, had also nailed it. That Scarlett was apparently oblivious, doesn’t quite jibe with her supposedly razor-sharp abilities, that let her easily out-think and out-fight the professionals the rest of the time.

Stone is not bad, clearly doing a lot of her own action, to decent effect; even simple things like a foot-chase, which sees her leaping fences in a way which would have many actresses calling for a stunt double. However, it feels as if she takes a back seat to her father as things proceed. While Krause is actually surprisingly good, he’s no Scott Adkins – and to be honest, we’re not here for him, but the action promised by the sleeve, which puts Scarlett front and centre. I think this might have worked better had they been a fully-functional and active father-daughter partnership before his abduction (the end vaguely hints at that as a possible future direction). As is, the repeated flashbacks needed to cover her training makes for a bit of an awkward structure, not adding much to  proceedings.  The film is a good idea, and the low-budget is well enough disguised not to be a problem. The script, however, is well below par, and ends up taking the whole endeavour down with it.

Dir: John Lyde
Star: Melanie Stone, Brian Krause, David McConnell

Jet, by Russell Blake

Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆☆

Born as Maya, the heroine here adopted the name of “Jet” when she became part of a seriously black ops group, part of the Israeli intelligence service known as the Mossad. There, she and her colleagues had carried out thoroughly deniable operations against… well, supposedly Israel’s enemies, though it’s not as if she asks questions. The secrecy wasn’t limited to her work, as she carried on an unsanctioned relationship with David, the man in charge of the group. But eventually, it all became too much: with David’s assistance, Jet faked her own death on a mission and vanished off the grid, re-appearing as “Carla” in Trinidad, where she enjoyed a quiet life for several years. That came to a sudden end when assassins make an attempt to terminate her new identity. Her cover has clearly been blown. The questions are: what happened, who is responsible, and how can Maya a.k.a. Jet a.k.a. Carla restore the balance?

Finding the answers apparently requires her to rack up the air miles, as the resulting narrative goes from Trinidad through Venezuela to Israel, then back via Cyprus to Belize, before finishing off in Monaco. And that’s not even including any globe-trotting in the flashbacks to her time as a Mossad agent. Still, I guess that’s one of the fun things about writing a novel: you don’t have a production budget! While this aspect feels reminiscent of a Bond book, I think Kill Bill is perhaps a greater inspiration here. This is apparent both in the fractured timeline, and in particular, the revelation at the end of the book, which clearly sets up Jet’s direction for the next volume. As well as her being an unstoppable bad-ass, of course.

If the book has a weakness, it’s likely David, whose actions don’t appear to be consistent with each other. It’s hard to be specific without spoilers for “that” revelation, but if he loved Jet as much as some things imply, why did he not quit his job and go be with her when she pulled her vanishing act? This question is somewhat addressed, but the argument, little more than “He’d taken an oath”, falls a long way short of being convincing. I think their relationship either needed to be depicted in considerably more nuanced depth, or considerably less. As an action fan, who tends to roll his eyes whenever romance crops up, I’m leaning towards the latter.

Jet just doesn’t feel like a person who needs anyone else, and Stone’s handle on the action – which is plentiful – is good enough that anything else feels like an unwanted distraction. I felt it was particularly strong at the beginning, as the heroine tried to get out of Trinidad, providing an excellent demonstration of Jet’s abilities. But the raid she and David carried out on the Belize compound was also impressive. Overall, I’d not be averse to reading more – though I’d probably rather wait for the movie instead.

Author: Russell Blake
Publisher: Reprobatio Limited, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
1 of 15 in the Jet series.

The Serpent

★★
“You’ve got to tell him about the other bombs inside the kids.”

Wait, what? Other bombs? Inside kids? Less than two minutes in and I am already incredibly confused – because before the line above, there was no mention at all of bombs or kids. All we’d had is Detective Franklin (Wade) get a weird call at a shooting from someone promising to tell him the truth about what happened. He gets into his car, and Lucinda Kavsky (Skova) pounces from the back seat. Here is their exchange, in full.

“Who the hell are you?”
“Lucinda Kavsky, CIA. I will tell you everything I know about this case. Okay?”
“Well, hot damn if I don’t believe that story. How’d you get into this mess? Y’know, I think you’re going to have to contact Rodney Williams of the CIA, there’s no other choice.”
“I’ve already sent all the proof to him.”
“Well, you’ve got to tell him about the other bombs inside the kids.”

Yes, time of death is, exactly one minute and 58 seconds in. I have never seen a movie go from zero to completely inexplicable so quickly. A few seconds later, Franklin says, “Your explanation’s good enough for me.” No. It’s not. I can’t help feeling as if there was a large chunk of exposition edited out between the second and third lines, and the film never recovers. We do eventually discover that there is a plot to create bio-weapons by implanting chips of some (ill-defined) kind into kids. Kavsky stumbled into it when she took over a mission for a friend, and has been hunted ever since by those – both inside and outside the CIA – who are seeking to keep it secret.

It’s a straightforward story, and one which would have benefited enormously from a straightforward telling. Instead, we end up with what feels like a Russian doll-like series of flashbacks, including a five-year (!) period spent by Kavsky in prison. Quite what the bad guys were doing during all this time, is – like so much else – never explained. It makes about as much sense as the high numbers of British accents sported by supposed CIA operatives, not least Lucinda herself.

The action is no great shakes, except for one sequence where she is helping a doctor remove one of the chips from Avy (Heath) a subject she has rescured, when her phone is tracked to the hospital and an assault launched. The resulting battle is… Well, realism isn’t its strong suit, shall we say. But it’s done with enough enthusiasm to give it at least a fighting chance of overcoming any credibility issues. Otherwise, it’s about what you’d expect from a former model who is also making her debut as both writer and director. All credit to Ms. Skova, whose cheekbones alone should count as lethal weapons, for actually making a damn movie. But you’d have to be extremely charitable to consider this as more than entry level, especially when it comes to the script, which is simply far too serpentine for its own good.

Dir: Gia Skova
Star: Gia Skova, Travis Aaron Wade, Nigel Vonas, Violet Heath

The Barista’s Guide To Espionage, by Dave Sinclair

Literary rating: ★★★
Kick-butt quotient: ☆☆☆½

Eva Destruction – and, yes, that is the legal name of the character – is an Australian expat who owns a coffee shop in Central London. But when we first meet her, she is making a hasty exit off a rapidly-exploding tropical island, somewhere in the Pacific. How she gets from point A to B, is the saga which unfolds in flashback over the course of this book, as she tells her history to the disbelieving American navy officers who rescue her off the island.

The key player in that, and Eva’s transformation from barista to secret agent, is her boyfriend Harry. For he actually turns out to be Horatio Lancing, a cross between Elon Musk and Edward Snowden, a hi-tech idealist with unlimited resources and an agenda. Initially, it’s apparently benign: applying pressure to governments around the world to “do the right thing” and act on behalf of the people they supposedly represent. But Eva eventually finds out, his end-game is considerably less altruistic. Due to her connection to Harry, she comes to the attention of the British intelligence services, who recruit and train Eva through unrepentant chauvinist Charles Bishop, in an effort to use their relationship to help stop Harry. And they’re not the only ones out to do so.

The resulting adventure globe-trots from London to Iceland and Prague, before ending on Harry’s secret island lair. By the end, Eva proves to be as capable of whipping up improvised munitions as a double-shot latte, even if her prowess with firearms allegedly comes mostly from the somewhat unlikely source of Virtua Cop II. She is, unquestionably, very much an archetypal Aussie girl, with all that implies – both good and bad. She’s brash to a fault, and can curse like a sailor, but is fiercely loyal to her friends. Interestingly, that applies even to Harry, with whom she stays well past the point I think I’d have noped out of there. She also suffers some angst, when Eva realizes she has abandoned all her feminist ideals for a jet-setting lifestyle and a castle, effectively becoming “an exceptionally high-priced hooker.”

It’s all entertaining enough, if thoroughly disposable and largely implausible, with the important people miraculously surviving against all odds. It is the kind of plot which is probably impossible to read with any seriousness, so it’s fortunate that the author and his heroine embrace this. Even if that does make it difficult to care, when it’s all being taken very lightly by everyone involved. Sinclair does have a good way with action, both in a hellacious chase through Prague, and the eventual, very Bond-like climax on the island. At least the relationship between Eva and Harry does go some way to justifying the “Before I kill you, let me tell you my entire plan” trope. I probably won’t be actively seeking out subsequent volumes. But I’ll tell you this: I wouldn’t mind a movie adaptation either.

Author: Dave Sinclair
Publisher: Amazon Digital Services, available through Amazon, both as a paperback and an e-book
1 of 4 in the Eva Destruction series.