Snowbound

★★
“Snow up to much…”

Though not formally listed on the IMDb as a made for television movie, it has all the hallmarks of one, down to what look suspiciously like pauses into which commercial breaks could be inserted. It’s the story of work colleagues, Liz Bartlett (Schnarre) and Barbara Tate (Eleniak). The former is attacked in the company’s parking garage one night, and confesses to her friend that her former husband is stalking her. She fears for her life, having helped put him behind bars. So what is the most sensible thing for the pair to do in these circumstances? If your answer is, “Head off to a remote mountain cabin, in the middle on an impending blizzard”, give yourself two points.

Unsurprisingly, this does not work out well, and you can more or less tell where this is going, from the moment when the cabin’s host says “The owner was very specific about this: do not go into the gun cabinet, it’s in the lease.” Liz and Barbara will be getting a two-star review on their profile, because you should not be in the slightest bit shocked to hear, they do end up going into the gun cabinet. For it’s not long before sketchy characters start harassing Barbara in town, and we also learn that Liz was considerably less than forthcoming with the truth to her supposed BFF. This isn’t a surprise – at least, to the viewer – since we had previously seen her take a case of “camera equipment” on the trip, which we know actually contains a gun and a large amount of cash.

It’s all very much by the numbers, the overall vanilla flavour not helped by two leads who manage to look somewhat pretty, while creating almost nothing approaching memorable characters. Heck, I’d have settled for a depth roughly approximating the alleged snowfall. I say “alleged”, since considering there’s a supposed blizzard in action, sealing them off from the rest of civilization, I’m not sure I actually saw a single flake fall from the sky over the duration of the entire movie. It takes about an hour for Barbara to catch up to what we the audience already knows, and for the ex-husband to appear at the cabin.

Things do get at least somewhat interesting thereafter, with Barbara being forced into steps significantly outside of her comfort zone, in order to stay alive from those in pursuit of her. She’s helped by the fact that the pursuer may not exactly be the sharpest tool in the box, and engages in acts which certainly end up back-firing on them. It’s still all low-impact stuff generally, and not enough to distract you from Eleniak’s resemblance here to a slightly less wholesome version of Meg Ryan. Don’t expect anything along “those” lines either; again, I strongly suspect this was intended for Lifetime, rather than late-night on Cinemax. I’ve already forgotten about it, and feel no great sense of loss thereof.

Dir: Ruben Preuss
Star: Erika Eleniak, Monika Schnarre, Peter Dobson, Bill Mondy

Marie

★½
“A not-so fair cop”

After an incident where she shoots dead a woman armed only with a toy gun, Marie (DeCianni) quite the police force to become a housewife. However, her husband, Barry (Spadaro), has some dodgy friends, in particular, Nadi (Regina, who also co-wrote this), a man with ties to organized crime. Barry falls behind on payments, and an unfortunate car “accident” befalls him: a recent large life-insurance policy named Nadi as the beneficiary. It’s all very shady, as Marie’s old police captain (Session) admits. However, there is just not enough evidence for the authorities to take action. That’s not an issue for Marie, however, who decides to take revenge for the loss of her husband, against Nadi and his associates.

This is almost entirely terrible, to the point that I have to wonder whether it was actually some bizarre project by actual organized crime to launder money. If so, I’m just hoping that enough years have elapsed since its release, that the statute of limitations has passed, and so me mentioning this won’t send them round to make me an offer I can’t refuse. It’s mostly a scripting issue, with far too many scenes that serve no purpose, and a heroine whose actions make little or no logical sense. Such as storming a mob birthday party, complete with gratuitous strippers (really, right from the opening, it feels like every bad boob-job in the Tri-State area got a callback for a role somewhere in this), and taking her shirt off in order to blend in, so she can whack one of them.

If DeCianni isn’t terrible, Marie seems to take a delight in announcing her moves, in a way which would, in the real world, simply make it painfully easy for her targets to take her out. Well, if they were halfway competent, at least. And the Captain seems perfectly happy for her to continue on her vigilante ways, showing absolutely no regard for law and order. About the only moment of interest sees her going above Nadi’s head to his boss, in order to suggest a partnership that would be to both of their advantages. However, this is rapidly discarded, in favour of a climactic “surprise” that a) is entirely unsurprising, and b) makes as little overall sense as anything else in this dog.

In lieu of writing anything more about this painful experience, I will instead note that a decade later, Carpenter and Regina would make Jesse, in which “Police detective Jesse turns vigilante as she investigates her brother’s murder and enters into a world of crime, corruption, and shocking deception.” Save swapping husband for brother, that seems perilously close to what we got here, not least because an IMDb review says the brother “got involved with a mafia loan shark and couldn’t repay the thousands that he owed.” Another review hints at the same twist we get here. Hmm… Maybe they did better second time around? I’m not inclined to bet on it.

Dir: Fred Carpenter
Star: Donna DeCianni, Paul Regina, Charles Sessions, John Spadaro