★★
“New uses for vodka, #37”
This is occasionally almost endearing in its stupidity. Almost. It’s the story of Kate (Kaspar), who is on holiday in Cyprus with her bratty younger sister, Liz (Finch). With Liz asleep, Kate slopes off to the local nightclub, is befriended by another guest, Myrianthy (Rosset), and the pair end up going up in a tethered balloon at dawn with a pair of local hunks. Except, there’s an issue with the “tethered” part. Specifically, the man responsible does not realize that, for it to work, both ends of the rope need to be tied to something.
Like I said: almost endearing.
Anyway, a close encounter with a wind-farm leads to one man being knocked from the balloon, and the other is injured and eventually falls out of it as well (adorqble!), leaving Kate and Myrianthy stuck in the air. They are drifting steadily out to sea, with diminishing fuel supplies, and completely forgot to call for help while over land, or until they were out of signal range (how silly!). Meanwhile, Liz is being treated as an abandoned minor, but manages to convinces a consulate official, Sophia (Webb), that they should track down Kate. Which eventually involves them getting a rubber boat and heading out to see. Where they discover it has a leak (Tee-hee!). Which they plug with a cellphone. Yes, the writers of this decided that was totally a thing.
Meanwhile, the women in the balloon are attempting to attract attention in various ways, most of which seem to involve them removing one or more articles of clothing for various reasons. Well, it certainly got my attention. They also use lipstick to fashion an SOS sign, and when they run out of makeup for that, switch to their own blood. [I will admit to thinking, “Pity it’s not that time of the month, they wouldn’t have needed to cut open a hand…”] But the film reaches its peak level of what Chris calls “I’m so sure…”, when they start a fire using a condom, a bottle of vodka and some Cypriot currency. I want to see Mythbusters taking this one on.
I will admit to being somewhat entertained, in a “Whatever next?” way. Though could have done without the subplot which has one of the lesser members of the Baldwin family, William, sneaking into Kate’s bedroom with a knife, because reasons. I trust he got a nice holiday out of it, at least. Some of the photography is quite well done, and there’s good reason the film open with an acknowledgement that the film “was made with the support of the financial incentives granted by the Government of the Republic of Cyprus.” The tourist board of that Mediterranean island nods approvingly, at the number of shots of its scenic landscapes.
But eventually, the stupidity on view wears out its welcome, and is aggressively grating, rather than amusing. By the time the end credits rolled, I was hoping to see a shark’s fin cutting through the water towards the women. As in so much else, the film disappointed.
Dir: Roman Doronin
Star: Jeannine Kaspar, Marianna Rosset, Ksenia Pinch, Crystal Webb