★★★
“God forgives… I don’t.”
It’s likely a fair summary, that this film shamelessly uses the above line – the title of a 1967 comedy/Western starring Terence Hill and Bud Spencer – with the straightest of faces. Obviously, the title creates a certain set of expectations, which the film somewhat fulfills. I did tag this as “grindhouse”, but it is light work in this category. If you’re expecting full-on nunsploitation, you will be disappointed. Because, despite being firmly bi, Sister Mary remains more or less firmly attached to her habit. And “more or less” is only because on multiple occasions, she throws off her nun’s garb for dramatic purposes. If this merited an R rating, it’s only going to be for language.
All that aside, the heroine is former soldier Edwina Philomena (Taylor), who has returned to civilian life. She’s torn between her love for Vicky Mendez (Lopez) and her calling to a religious order. The latter wins out, though only briefly. For the new Sister Mary discovers the local priest is a paedophile, and after he threatens her, the military reactions kick in. She keeps the costume though. Mary then discovers Vicky is in a highly toxic relationship with local scumbag and city councilman, Vlad Russo (Dill). With the help of one of Vlad’s henchmen, Johnny Stryder (Watson) – who himself is the son of a famous nineties action film star – she sets out take down Russo’s organization, and rescue her lover.
This is a mix of elements which work surprisingly well, and those which very much do not. The former would be led by Taylor, who handles herself impressively in the action scenes, and decently enough in the dramatic ones. Dill also makes a good villain, considering we’re never given any real reason to hate him, outside of his treatment of Vicky. He tells a good story, about how he acquired his lethal twist wrist punch; the first victim “sounded like a Soviet dishwasher trying to confess its own sins.” Less effective is Stryder, in part because he ends up with his own reasons to take revenge on Vlad. Clearly, only Johnny or Mary will ultimately get to do so, leaving the other one rather unfulfilled.
There is also a final twist which feels unnecessary, and comes over as a little reactionary, given the progressive approach to things like Mary’s sexuality. Finally, there are points where the script feels padded and unnecessary chatty. We don’t really need multiple scenes of Edwina and Vicky in bed, exchanging banal terms of affection. At the risk of stating the bleedin’ obvious, this is not why we are watching a film called Mary Magnum: Jiu-Jitsu Nun. When it sticks to delivering on expectations created by the name, it’s done well. Montesinos doesn’t engage in weedwhacker editing, and it helps that Taylor is efficiently effective with her punches and kicks. Overall, this was a pleasant surprise, especially after the near-blasphemous abomination which was Bikini Nuns.
Dir: José Montesinos
Star: Paula Rae Taylor, Robert Dill, Thomas Patrick Ryan Watson, Laura Lopez